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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you treat your sons and daughters equally... and, if not, why not?

169 replies

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:16

I have ds (22 months) and Ds (2 months). I've promised. DD that I will treat her exactly the same as Ds. I then realised dh hasn't done the same and I've let him off the bloody hook (gonna rectify that though). He talks about how he's afraid to play rough with her like he did ds and a few other small things. Surely this is just beginning the sexist process at the earliest opportunity? I'm gonna have a word though!

So do all of you treat your sons the same as your daughters? And, if not, why the hell not?

OP posts:

Lancelottie · 03/06/2014 15:42

Where it gets tricky is the minute they both head out the door in pink tutu skirts.

Do you tell your son (but not your daughter) that it might raise a few eyebrows? Or do you not tell him, and thus give him an unequal opportunity to discover for himself that much of the world will find it odd?

Your son will be in a minority if he (like mine) wants dance classes; your daughter is likely to be in the minority (like me!) at engineering or chess club. Again, how do you treat them equally yourself while acknowledging that one of them is going to find it harder to pursue their interests?

Or let's say your son can't be bothered with football. Frankly, in some schools that can be a social deathknell for little boys, whereas your average little girl won't find it a problem. Do you force football on a reluctant child (or indeed on both)?

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 15:42

nigella :(

Helen, remind him that ds is physically weaker than him too but he is still safe playing with his dad.

youmakemydreams · 03/06/2014 15:44

But I'm guessing the 2 month old is the dd? I'd bey that when the toddler was tiny he couldn't imaging rough play either he is just assuming these feelings are because this tiny baby is a girl. I think by the time she is a rough and tumble toddler that thought will be forgotten.

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 15:44

thank you HelenHen
I did suggest some wisecracks and witty comebacks (mostly gleaned from Mumsnet) about the difficulties of grasping a cleaning cloth with a penis but oddly they said 'shut up mum'

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 15:45

The world will tell your ds that tutus aren't the done thing for boys :( I think mum and dad's job is to let him know that if he is happy in a tutu it's really no one elses business and that you are always there for thme. Kids get teased for everything, if it isn't a tutu its the wrong lunch box. Either he will say it's not worth it next time, or say actually I fucking rock this tutu and own it.

Original poster

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:48

Lance I don't think engineering for girls or dance for Boys is any kind of big deal anymore!

The pink tutu I would not encourage on either of them but I'll deal with that if and when it comes

Chances are they will both turn out totally different... She might be girly... So might he... But it will not be cos I've given them different opportunities!

OP posts:

Original poster

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:50

Youmakemydreams from the beginning with ds, dh talked about how he was looking forward to throwing him around, etc. Obviously not at two months but when he was sturdy!

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 15:51

you would be surprised HH, daughter does GCSE engineering and guess what she is the only girl in the year that chose it. and in the first lesson, she heard from the teacher 'now boys if this little girl can do it, (lift the sheet metal cutting machine part) you lads will have no problem'.
and her dad just laughed about her choice but then he is an unreconstructed fuckwit

Lancelottie · 03/06/2014 15:55

You'd think so, Helen, but DS has had to develop a thick skin about dance. Like it or not, other boys DO still see it as a big deal.

adalovelacelaptop · 03/06/2014 15:55

Yes I treat them differently
I tell my son if he gets married and doesn't do half the house work his wife will leave him. And I've told my daughter to get a career and not to put her self in the position where she is reliant on some one else for her board and lodging.

Original poster

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:57

That's sad nigellas. I'm Irish and my niece did engineering, more than half the class were girls! I didn't think there'd be any difference but I'm starting to realisesexism is worse in the uUK for some reason. I don't understand as culturally there's not a huge difference!

OP posts:

Lancelottie · 03/06/2014 15:57

Oh, and DS's friend (girl) is a fab physicist but was very nearly put off it when she found she'd be the only girl in her 6th form class. That's now. This year. In a vast, well-regarded 6th-form.

It's a case of critical mass, sometimes.

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 15:58

I think you are right HH my dad is Irish and nothing like that at all in fact I did not even realise men/attitudes like that existed (more fool me)

Original poster

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:58

Adalovelace I like it but is it a kinda reverse sexism?

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ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 16:00

It was just in the news this week that a university in the states had it's first graduating class with more female graduates ever. Thinnk it was engineering but might have been another STEM subject. But it was unusal enough to make headlines. Despite more women going to uni than men they stil aren't taking up STEM subjects.

Original poster

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 16:01

I may have to move home if I wanna give this little girl any chance!

As for boys doing dance, many of the Boys in my nieces class compete at Irish dancing so again it's something I don't view as abnormal or different but again maybe an Irish thing!

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ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 16:02

I don't think that is reverse sexism. Her son is being told to do half the work and so is her daughter.That's equal.

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 16:03

what is STEM? let me guess - science, tech, engineering and maths?

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 16:04

yes nigella

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 16:07

I am so proud of my girl for choosing engineering!
she has put up with all kinds of crap eg a fellow pupil tweakng her nipple while she was using a drill - lucky he didn't get drilled really - but she put the tool down and punched him in the face.
the teacher didn't notice the last bit, bless him

Original poster

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 16:11

ah nigellas you're just depressing me! Fair play to her though but how did he ever think that was ok?

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pianodoodle · 03/06/2014 16:14

This is partly why I've taken up Krav Maga - in the hope my wee girl will show an interest and want to come along some day :)

The differences in Irish, Northern Irish and English culture would surprise a lot of people I think.

I grew up in N.Ire and live in England now. Bother have their fair share of assholes in general but I'm almost embarrassed to be N.Irish at the minute when I read the news :(

NigellasDealer · 03/06/2014 16:14

I know!! it is
I started ranting to her about how it was sexual harrassment but she said--- 'shut up mum I know that...and I dealt with it.'

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/06/2014 16:16

I've raised dd and ds in similar ways as far as I'm aware. I think dh has too.
I like to think any slight differences arise out of a sensitive understanding of genuine likely differences they may experience in their future lives - such as that dd may be a mother one day amongst other things, whilst ds may be a father (again amongst other things)
I think I've hoped to raise them both, but maybe particularly dd, with a feminist attitude and approach to life.
I've hoped to introduce them both to values that are important to me, including those of my Quaker faith community. They are very free I hope to do whatever they choose from this starting point (but you can't raise any child in a vacuum, nor should you try to )

BikeRunSki · 03/06/2014 16:18

No, they are different people with different wants, needs, skills, talents and interests.

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