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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you treat your sons and daughters equally... and, if not, why not?

169 replies

HelenHen · 03/06/2014 15:16

I have ds (22 months) and Ds (2 months). I've promised. DD that I will treat her exactly the same as Ds. I then realised dh hasn't done the same and I've let him off the bloody hook (gonna rectify that though). He talks about how he's afraid to play rough with her like he did ds and a few other small things. Surely this is just beginning the sexist process at the earliest opportunity? I'm gonna have a word though!

So do all of you treat your sons the same as your daughters? And, if not, why the hell not?

OP posts:
mrsbucketxx · 03/06/2014 16:20

my dd is definitely more rough and tumble than my ds so i do treat them differently, but not in a gender specific way.

you have to treat them as individuals.

Original poster
HelenHen · 03/06/2014 16:22

Weren't Quakers some of the earlier feminists though? Smile in America anyway!

The sex ed is going to be fun... I'm not looking forward to dealing with that one. I hope I can raise a son to respect women and a daughter to not fear men!

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/06/2014 16:23

dd has loved her Irish dancing BTW and it has been such a joy to see her do this
We possibly encouraged her to play the flute, whilst ds's music teacher encouraged him to play the trumpet
They both do karate, and both now have a black belt in this
So, subtle differences really

BarbarianMum · 03/06/2014 16:23

Wanting to dance if you are a boy is still a big deal, at least if you live outside of the M25 believe me. Street Dance is OK, ballet or tap is not something you talk about in playground.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 16:23

^but she put the tool down and punched him in the face.
the teacher didn't notice the last bit, bless him^

Angry

That's vile. He's lucky she put the drill down first, I'm not sure I would have at her age. Hmm And good on the teacher!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/06/2014 16:29

Yes, Quakers have been more equal than most, especially gender wise, from their beginnings I'd say. Still room for improvement though!

melissa83 · 03/06/2014 16:29

Dh is ridiculously rough with our dds. Dds cant stand tolose like their mum so always take takeit too far and I wouldnt have it any other way. No girls of mine will be weak wallflowers.

dancinggerald · 03/06/2014 16:36

I have tried very hard, and have never thought that I would treat children differently based on gender. Biut I do wonder whether I have unwittingly encouraged / reinforced certain interests that I expect them to have, e.g. ds superheroes, dd fairies. Not that I stop them playing with each others toys or make a big deal of it, but I've always bought the gender specific toys for each, and not the other. But they do have a good mix of toys overall and plenty of gender neutral things too.

adalovelacelaptop · 03/06/2014 16:42

Helen hen yes it is , it was unconscious though I'm now thinking if I should give him the same message as my daughter as I assume he'll pick it up from society. On a slightly different pink vein, we need more pink toys. Pink telescopes, pink microscopes, Pink meccano etc. Make the tradionally masculine stuff more girly rather than trying to change the girls.

stealthsquiggle · 03/06/2014 16:54

Really Ada? I would say we need less pink toys, and less khaki toys, and more genuinely gender neutral toys. "Girly" Lego and playmobil and kinder eggs make my blood boil - what clearer signal could you give to girls that "normal" Lego/Meccano/whatever are not for them?

As for the OP, my DC are entirely different people, and are treated accordingly, but I am certainly no less interested in / ambitious for DC2 because she happens to be a girl. Rugby playing DS would love to do more dance, but it's simply not available as an option round here. DS has, however, persuaded DD that she does want to be his fielder while he practices learn cricket, by pointing out that the girls' cricket teams from their school tend to compete at a higher level than the boys do.

Notso · 03/06/2014 17:16

DH and I had a conversation about this the other day.
He suggested DS1 9 could ride to the park by himself. DD wasn't allowed to the park alone until she was 12, DH wasn't comfortable with it.
I asked DH he was more protective of DD because she was a girl or because she was our first child and he wasn't sure.

gorionine · 03/06/2014 17:24

I do not treat any of my Dcs the same (2 boys & 2 girls) as they are different as individuals but I do give them the same opportunities, so does DH.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 17:30

I'd like to just see pink incorporated the same as any color. I don't want pink Mecanno. I want the same Mecanno with pink in it. Boy's penises will not fall off because they have a pink toy in there.

whynowblowwind · 03/06/2014 17:35

"Why the hell not?"

Well, I don't dress them the same. I know some people on here have their boys running around in pink dresses until they start high school, but my seven year old son wears clothes for seven year old boys. My two month old daughter wears clothing for baby girls.

DS is learning music. DD will as well. I can't think of any other obviously sexist way I'd treat them, they'll learn music, how to swim and any other hobby they might be interested in, if DD wants to play football fine, if DS wants to be a ballet dancer that's fine too.

Ziplex · 03/06/2014 17:35

But the are different and different is good.
Today we try to emasculate men and knock the femininity out of girls.
It's great to be different ... though we should be paid the same and have the same opportunities.

Lancelottie · 03/06/2014 17:51

It isn't emasculating men or knocking the femininity out of a girl if your aim is to let them be themselves.

It also isn't emasculating men to insist they do their share of the housework, or that they consider other people to be equally human.

Joysmum · 03/06/2014 17:54

Personally, I'd rather not foisted my choices on my child. I've given her the freedom to enjoy the colours and toys she prefers. She'll be able to choose whatever subjects she wants at school. She'll be able to decide if she wants to be a SAHM or career orientated, whether she wants a job to pay the bills or a career to sink her teeth into.

So sad that so many see feminity as inferior and something be be avoided. I'd rather my daughter be given the confidence to be anything she chooses, whatever the feminists may think. I'll encourage and support my daughter to be who she wants to be.

Chattymummyhere · 03/06/2014 18:00

I know when ours are older dh seems to have very different rules in his head..

Boy... Can have boys/girls over in his room door shut
Boy... Can have a gf

Girl... No boys in her room (find one in there she will lose her door)
Girl...no bf

I don't agree with him however. I think both should have the same so no other gender in rooms or doors open if they do, both can date and being home bf/gf.

As children I know my dh wants our boy to have an interest in sports and will rough house, our girl he does not expect to play sports and won't rough house. She also gets away with a lot more than he does a lot of the time under the disguise of "your older you know better"

Original poster
HelenHen · 03/06/2014 18:01

Ehhh I'm a feminist sahm! I didn't realise you can be one but not the other?

OP posts:
Iggly · 03/06/2014 18:02

I reckon people do treat their children differently based on gender without realising it. I think it will be subtle but there will be differences.

Eg I have a boy and girl. Ds is interested in cars/diggers etc but that definitely came about because we would point them out to him. With dd I don't and have been trying to deliberately do it to see if she develops and interest. Stuff like playing with dolls - I didn't buy one for ds, I did for dd. Well before she was old enough to express a preference.

Rough housing etc - boys and girls are different with different hormones. Boys have testorone surges for example, girls don't, so they benefit from rough housing.

I think we shouldn't be afraid to acknowledge that, in some respects, boys and girls are different. So we treat them differently because of different needs.

What we shouldn't do though is treat them unequally or somehow think that one sex is somehow the lesser of another.

Original poster
HelenHen · 03/06/2014 18:07

Ada might not be a bad idea about making those things in pink cos, let's face it, not all moms really follow the equality thing so if they only buy pink stuff, they may unwittingly lead their dd towards a 'masculine' profession.

Juggling all I know about Quakers to my shame is having read the invention of wings!

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 03/06/2014 18:07

But as a general rule really fed up women are weaker than men that's just biology.

Billygoats · 03/06/2014 18:14

Is your dd 2 months old? Your OP says they are both ds.

If so , who plays rough with a 2 month old? I'd be more worried if they were tbh not about whether she's a girl.

Do your children have names specific to their gender? Surely this differentiates them. Only once I came on mumsnet did I realise dressing your daughter in pink and being girly with her is frowned upon.

Original poster
HelenHen · 03/06/2014 18:14

But what does that have to do with treating them equally?

OP posts:
Ziplex · 03/06/2014 18:15

No but we are not allowed to celebrate our differences any more, we as a society DO emasculate men and try and turn our girls into "men", it's not got anything to do with being "yourself" it is all to do with out side pressure and correctness (what ever the trend is at the time).