to ask if you treat your sons and daughters equally... and, if not, why not?

[HelenHen]

I have ds (22 months) and Ds (2 months). I've promised. DD that I will treat her exactly the same as Ds. I then realised dh hasn't done the same and I've let him off the bloody hook (gonna rectify that though). He talks about how he's afraid to play rough with her like he did ds and a few other small things. Surely this is just beginning the sexist process at the earliest opportunity? I'm gonna have a word though!

So do all of you treat your sons the same as your daughters? And, if not, why the hell not?

So what happens if you have a clever kid and a not so clever kid?

Perhaps you should only compliment kids on characteristics that they have control over such as kindness, politeness, tenacity or humour

IIRC research shows that it's better to praise a child for working hard than for being clever.

I think it's best to praise your DC with sincerity rather than tactically.

Agreed Bonsoir at times my DDs are pretty, clever or trying hard or tidy, funny, kind,
patient... children, boys and girls can be praised for more than one thing IMHO.

But if I'm going to praise them with sincerity it ought to be for something they have control over. Praising them for being clever or pretty would be like praising them for its not raining today, and I'd have trouble pulling that off with sincerity.

Absolutely TortoiseUpATreeAgain but do it because it is how you feel, not because of some study. My DDs are possibly not even pretty to other people, or clever, but I think they are so tell them from time to time.

Everyone needs to know that someone thinks they are attractive and clever! Who better than their parents?

I just praise my DCs without giving it too much thought. Bad parenting or not. I think you can over complicate things. I have very polite kids though and I wonder if it's because I have always praised them for being polite.

I also declare who is my 'most favourite' child based on whoever last made me a cup of tea.

My mother always priased me to high heaven, which was unusual in the setting where I grew up!

She told me I was beautiful, clever, special, creative...you name it.

She still does it to this day . And yes, I know that I'm not really the most talented, special beautiful woman in the world - but it's nice that my Mum think so!

If my parents called me 'pretty' as a child it used to make me wriggle and privately think they were bonkers.

One of my brothers OTOH was undeniably pretty -- the sort of child who stopped old ladies in their tracks to coo over him (and usually say 'What a shame it was the little boy who got the looks').

Lancelottie

Saying that, we went on holiday in Italy in my dad's village after years of not going anymore and one of the old aunts asked my dad who I was, after he answered she said "oh, she is pretty now, she was really ugly as a child!"

I guess not everyone is a diplomat

It's OK, Gorionine, he really was strikingly pretty -- big blue eyes, gold curls, cute freckles, the whole shebang.

I on the other hand was plain. Not revolting-looking, but tatty mid-brown hair, grey eyes, thick brown NHS glasses and a solid sort of face my littlest sib once memorably described as 'sort of potato-shaped'. I could see all of that in the mirror, hence assuming my parents were just being kind and/or nuts to say otherwise.

Don't worry, if she wants to play rough and tumble, she'll be rough and tumble no matter what your DH does. He can be as gentle as he wants but if she's that type of child, she'll be jumping on him anyway.

Parents should stop telling their children they look beautiful because it places too much emphasis on appearance and can lead to body confidence issues later in life

This is all well and good. But looks are very important. It's important to be well groomed and look your best. Your appearance whether you like it or not is the first thing that people judge about anyone. You wouldn't date someone you thought was ugly. Children need to be taught to take pride in their appearance, and to be aware of how they present themselves. If they want to give off a certain image be it punk, business, artist, whatever they need to look the part.

Saying looks aren't important is as silly as saying money isn't important. We all know it is. You wouldn't date a homeless man and you wouldn't take a doctor in sweatpants seriously. But it's not THE most important thing and you need to teach balance.

You can be pretty AND intelligent/strong/talented.

"This is all well and good. But looks are very important. It's important to be well groomed and look your best. You wouldn't date someone you thought was ugly"

I think there is a big difference between 1) looking groomed and tidy, over which you have control vs 2) whether you're overweight or have big ears, over which you have no control.

And yes, I would date someone who was not beautiful if he was well groomed, clean, sexy and had great inner values.

See I think grooming and choosing a style are about communicating my values about me. So that's what we emphasise dressing our kids: "how do you feel today, DS? Bright and energetic? Smart and serious?"

Which is by the by anyway because those things are about choices rather than an innate quality of beauty or whatever. I'm quite careful about that stuff with mine even though my personal feelings are that they are beautiful good talented etc. That's just my opinion though, and I think just gushing it at them would be about me fulfilling my own need to express my opinion rather than their need to develop a healthy self image. Of course there are times and contexts when my opinions on them and feelings about them are the right thing to discuss. But a healthy self image is not based on others' opinions on you, it's based on an inner conviction of your self worth, whatsoever your relative beauty or intelligence. So for me, naming that what I value in my children are their beauty and intelligence rather than their engagement and approach could potentially undermine their self worth because it might suggest to them that their value comes from something they can't control: someone else's value judgements on things they have no agency over. It's disempowering to assume your innate physical appearance, rather than the choices you make about presenting yourself, are what are going to help you achieve things and form relationships.

Your appearance whether you like it or not is the first thing that people judge about anyone.

anyone? Only if you're an asshole. Outside of a sexual attraction situation I could not give a fuck what other people look like. I'm really not the shallow.

I do not want my kids to be worried about their looks which they can not control because someone random might be judging them

If you are providing expensive advice by email I am not sure how you look really comes into it. No one has seen me today but they have been making judgments on the quality of my looks all day long.

However it is important teenagers know what to wear to interviews and subtle issues of how you fit in in different places. Where will bare legs however slim and brown mean you won't get the job etc etc etc. I am not against helping children with those things just as much as with their accent, how nicely they treat people (manners matter) but much more important will be their brains and careers whether they are male or female.