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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

343 replies

Botagonist · 02/06/2014 21:45

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 03/06/2014 13:04

It seems that you want her to just disappear and for him to never have loved her. That wont happen.

I am sorry but you sound almost unhinged in your jealousy and your determination for have her removed from existence.

Do this bloke a favour and move on.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/06/2014 13:08

Your last couple of posts very strongly indicate that you should finish this relationship.

You are not suited to this situation. It's a very difficult one and one I think not everyone can take. The FACT of the matter is that - as you know - if she had not died then they would probably still be together. He would rather she had not died. That is not at all the same as finishing a relationship. She may or may not have been the love of his life. They may or may not have been happy. But you know in your heart that if he could turn the clock back and she be alive and well then he would. And that leaves you - ?

Not everyone can work around that knowledge. You can't. You certainly can't sucessfully pretend she's just some ex-girlfriend by trying to dictate about pictures etc.

It will always feel like this.

End it now.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/06/2014 13:13

Six month into a relationship, you are still working out if the two of you are suited anyway. People who start making a lot of demands around this time often get dumped and deservedly so.
TBH the first year after a partner's death is unlikely to be the best time for anyone to commit completely to a new relationship. The bereaved person may want to test the water with a few dates but s/he is probably still pretty raw.
You are coming across as whiny and selfish - are you the one who made all the running in the relationship by any chance? Did you know him and his girlfriend before she died?

BMW6 · 03/06/2014 13:37

You sound too immature to be dating anyone TBH.

Get over yourself.

LividofLondon · 03/06/2014 15:53

Botagonist, although I don't think you should ask him to take it down (although I think he's a little insensitive to not put it away while you visit seeing as he knows you feel odd about it), I do see why it would upset you. If it were me in your shoes I'd wonder if my BF was actually ready to move on and get emotionally involved with me. Him not taking a photo of his ex down would suggest to me that he's still emotionally attached to her. I wouldn't see her as a threat (of course not, how could she be, she's dead), but I wouldn't feel as secure with him as I'd like because I wouldn't consider him ready to love someone else.

Bearbehind · 03/06/2014 16:04

OP, his girlfriend died

Don't you get that?

He was in love with her and living with her on the day she died.

This isn't some relationship that broke down where you remember the ugly end of the relationship.

If she hadn't died he would probably still be with her.

You will never replace her so stop thinking you can.

He can have feelings for both of you if you just grow up and allow it to happen but if you carry on as you are with your armchair psychology you'll drive him away.

FabULouse · 03/06/2014 16:14

This reply has been deleted

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NaturalBaby · 03/06/2014 16:19

It is his past and a huge part of who he is. He is a different person now.

Can you accept that he may still be grieving for her while he is with you?

How will you support him if his grief resurfaces and he struggles to cope?

ClockWatchingLady · 03/06/2014 16:30

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge?

Actually, OP, I'm going to go for a YANBU.

I can totally understand you wanting him to take the picture down. I can imagine it being a difficult thing for you to see.

Having said that, I can also totally see why he has it there, and I don't think he "should" take it down. I hope you feel better about it soon.

Actifizz · 03/06/2014 16:42

I hope he reads this and runs for his life. You sound positively unbalanced in your response to someone daring to suggest he may have actually loved someone else.

I suggest in future you date only 40 year old virgins who still live with their parents.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/06/2014 17:04

I agree with Actifizz.

Learn to accept your fullfilling a new role in his life, rather than fill a vacant role. You have no right to try and dictate something like that after 6 months.

Itsfab · 03/06/2014 17:46

Livid - why on Earth should he take a photo down because the OP can't cope/doesn't like/is upset by the sight of it? It is a photo and nothing is going to change in terms of his feelings whether a photo is there or not and he certainly shouldn't think he has to take it down on that basis because it upsets the OP.

AgaPanthers · 03/06/2014 17:49

Am I imagining this, or did I read a very similar post to this on this site a few years ago.

Maybe I am dreaming it?

Itsfab · 03/06/2014 17:50

Some people will, FabUlouse and some won't so you have a valid point but you can't say that is the case here as we don't know the man and aren't getting his POV on this situation.

Actifizz · 03/06/2014 18:07

Agapanthers it's probably quite common. There are many, many jealous insecure people around who make it a mission to try and annihilate any evidence of a new partners former life.

WitchWay · 03/06/2014 18:07

You are being very selfish. It's none of your business if he wants to keep her pictures around.

What's the matter? Was she prettier than you or something?

funkybuddah · 03/06/2014 18:18

You need to accept that he will always love her. They didn't break up, them being apart was no one's choice.

I have a friend in your bfs situation and the pictures are still up now years and years on.
She's dead, why is this such a threat?

sykadelic · 03/06/2014 20:52

I don't think YABU to want him to take it down, but it's not something you can force or he will resent you.

Personally, I think him leaving it up (in the absence of any children or whatever) indicates he's not really ready to move on just yet, and I think that's what you're picking up on. You've only been together a short time, and I think you want him to take it down to show you that there's a big future here, but 6 months isn't a long time.

Try and put yourself in HER family's shoes though. They lost a daughter, and the man she was with (for however long) became a part of their family. If he was to suddenly take her photo down and stop seeing them it would hurt them. It would hurt because death doesn't mean someone is forgotten. I'm sure they want him to be happy, but that it took a lot for them to see you with him, taking their daughters place in many ways, imagining what would be if she were still around.

I too think 6 months after such a great loss is too soon to start seeing someone else, and that he's just not ready yet. Sadly, I believe he's on the rebound from the loss and was seeking company.

I would move on. Tell him the truth, that you're not ready to live in the shadow of another woman and that you hope he finds happiness again.

Littletigers · 03/06/2014 21:14

I think yabu. I get the insecurity but really, this isn't kind of you.

schoolsgettingonmynerves · 03/06/2014 21:22

Chipped - I just cracked up !

wouldbemedic · 03/06/2014 21:28

OP, I'm going to say something that will be difficult to hear.

Your DP may well not be ready to be with anyone new. I don't think this thread is about the photograph. It's about the fact that your DP isn't ready to give himself to someone new yet, and you may not be mature enough to accept that a part of his heart will always belong to her. If you were going to be successful at this relationship, you would have to be able to accept that this issue will raise its head repeatedly. It won't go away when the photograph comes down. It could go underground, if your DP decides that he's willing to pay that price to be with you, but that won't be good for either of you and will leave a fault line running through your relationship.

This is a situation that would take enormous diplomacy and level-headedness on your part. Given that you're making an issue of the photograph on the living room wall, I think it's unlikely that you're in the right place to take this further. Bottom line: the photograph comes down when he's ready to take it down. If you can't accept that, and all it means, then you can't. It's not your fault.

pianodoodle · 03/06/2014 21:37

What makes this more sad is that not only do you want evidence of her removed from his house, you want it removed from a house that was once hers too :(

motherofmonster · 03/06/2014 22:03

wow... it is not up to you to decide when he should take a picture down and where he should be in the grieving process.
As anyone who has been through it knows, it can last for years, you can go forward as well as back.

TBH op you sound insecure and controlling.

Taking her picture down is not going to erase her memory or open him up to loving you more.
He has a picture up in his home, where he lived with her and all the memories attached to it. Is a picture going to change any of that?
How far will you go. the sofa they picked out together? the dishes or cutlery they got as a moving in gift? artwork on the walls that were her taste?
Dont even think about the bed or sheets that they used to make love on , or your head might explode

Mordirig · 03/06/2014 22:18

Your attitude and response to grieving process means that you will never be the love of his life.

Do him a favour and let him go.

You don't sound happy either tbh, so what is in this for you?

brdgrl · 03/06/2014 23:06

the love of his life
Well, we don't know that, do we? It's the relationship he was in at the time of her death. It might have continued for 20 or 30 or 60 years and she might have been his one great love, or she might have given him the elbow six months later, or they might have grown apart - the truth is that because she has died, the relationship wasn't able to follow whatever course it might have taken. And that is one of the most difficult aspects of being in a relationship with someone who has been bereaved. Things are frozen, things are idealised, and things are complicated.

No one (not the OP and certainly none of us) can know what the OP's partner feels or what his particular timetable of grief will be. Not one person here knows if her partner loves her as much as or less than or simply differently from his love for his lost girlfriend. It's not necessary to be cruel.

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