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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my bf of six months to take down photographs of his previous gf who died tragically

343 replies

Botagonist · 02/06/2014 21:45

My bf of six months' previous gf died suddenly last year in tragic circumstances. He still lives in the flat that they shared and I live separately with my two teenagers.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to take down a photo of her that he has in the lounge? It bothers me and makes me feel that I will always be in her shadow.

I have mentioned this before to him but he doesn't seem to understand how I feel and it's still there. I understand that people want to hold onto memories of the past but I feel this is detrimental to the future.

OP posts:
MrsBrianODriscoll · 03/06/2014 12:04

Controlling much..??

findingherfeet · 03/06/2014 12:13

Taking down the photos will not erase your fear that you will forever be in her shadow. This is anxiety that you will need to overcome as your relationship progresses.

eddielizzard · 03/06/2014 12:16

yabu

he is grieving and i'm sorry to say but i suspect you're the rebound. i'd tread very carefully otherwise you might find yourself the ex-rebound.

EvenIsickAsIamIwouldNeverBeYou · 03/06/2014 12:19

Yabvvvvvu!

Original poster
Botagonist · 03/06/2014 12:26

Very helpful saying she was the love of his life. Based on what information exactly?

OP posts:
popcornpaws · 03/06/2014 12:29

You are being detrimental to your future if you think you are being reasonable!
YABVU

OwlCapone · 03/06/2014 12:31

I find it rather strange that you think that someone you split up with because, I assume, you disliked each other is the same as someone you loved being tragically taken from your life. Hmm

Leave him alone to grieve in his own way. If you cannot accommodate this, you are not the right person for him.

FabULouse · 03/06/2014 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OwlCapone · 03/06/2014 12:33

The literature I referred if was recommended to me on here ironically

Oh, have you name changed for this then?

WorraLiberty · 03/06/2014 12:34

Very helpful saying she was the love of his life. Based on what information exactly?

I'm guessing because they lived together and he still keeps her photo up in his lounge?

But the poor woman is dead now, so she's no threat to you whatsoever.

However, your attitude might be the biggest threat to your relationship, so perhaps that's something to think about?

isabellavine · 03/06/2014 12:35

I don't think anyone can judge when is 'too soon' after a bereavement. It is an incredibly individual thing.

YABU about taking the picture down, but I think you know that. However, it would not be unreasonable to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings of being second best, and to voice some of those anxieties that bug you. This is not about the photo - which he should keep up! - it's about some additional reassurance.

Swannery · 03/06/2014 12:36

I have an uncle and aunt whose first husband / wife both died of cancer. So this is the second marriage for both of them. They've been happily married for 25 years now, but there are still photos of both dead spouses around the house. I think it shows them to be good and loyal people, with respect for each other's past relationships. Their former spouses are dead but not forgotten, and they often mention them.

SholerAndChocolate · 03/06/2014 12:37

Based on the fact they were in a relationship when she died and the fact he still has regular contact with her family. Op I'm not trying to be 'helpful' I'm trying to get you to see sense.

My bil died 15 years ago at the age of 27, very suddenly very tradgecally. My sil still has photos of him around her home, she loved him completely and her new partner understands this. He is not 2nd best, he is as good as. He is also the love of her life. But she still needs his picture on the wall, his aftershave in her bathroom cabinet, her wedding ring in her jewellery box and their marriage certificate in their important documentation folder.

Just because she does doesn't mean she's gone, you can't write her out of his life, either you live with it and work with the situation or you decide it's not what you want and move on.

Itsfab · 03/06/2014 12:38

"Very helpful saying she was the love of his life. Based on what information exactly?"

This is another sign that maybe this man isn't for you and you maybe need someone who hasn't had a previous love.

FabUlouse - on what grounds? HmmConfused

SholerAndChocolate · 03/06/2014 12:39

Just because she died

SholerAndChocolate · 03/06/2014 12:43

You know op, it could have been an awful relationship. Thy could have been at each others throats every day, but none of that matters now. Grief is a funny thing, when your partne dies you forget all their bad points, and all their annoying points suddenly become endearing. It's what you miss.
She is the love of his life because She dies while they were together, no matter what she will always be a huge part if his life and heart. Either you share him with her memory or you move on. Tbh it sounds like you might new to move on

squoosh · 03/06/2014 12:43

'Very helpful saying she was the love of his life. Based on what information exactly?'

You sound very jealous.

My brother's wife died three years ago and he still has a picture of her up.

YABU.

Original poster
Botagonist · 03/06/2014 12:44

Just because you live with someone does not make them the love of your life necessarily.

OP posts:
HPparent · 03/06/2014 12:46

Botagonist, is it just the picture or does he or other people constantly compare you to the dead girlfriend? I feel if it is just the picture you have to grit your teeth and put up with it for now. If the girlfriend has become some sort of posthumous perfect woman that no one can ever come close to, I would advise you to cut your losses and move on. If you are competing against a ghost you are never going to win.

SholerAndChocolate · 03/06/2014 12:47

I didn't say because they lived together, I said because they were in a relationship (and here's the critical part I feel you're ignoring) in a relationship when she died

squoosh · 03/06/2014 12:48

You seem determined to minimise his feelings towards his late girlfriend.

She only died last year and you've only been together six months. Maybe he's not ready to move on.

angelos02 · 03/06/2014 12:54

You sound very insecure in this relationship OP.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 03/06/2014 12:58

OP, I can somewhat understand how you feel. An ex of mine's previous girlfriend was killed while we were dating and he got a tattoo of her name and put her picture up in his room. I found it very difficult to deal with, however I was very young at the time and hadn't much experience of relationships or death.

If you were to move in together I can understand wanting to remove the photo, but I think for the time being it's fine being there.

You have to accept he loved her and likely still misses her. That doesn't mean he can't love you at the same time. You need to allow both of you to have a place in his heart.

popcornpaws · 03/06/2014 13:00

Good God, you are determined that people should agree with you.
Are you hoping that you will be the love of his life and he'l pretend his dead girlfriend didn't exist just to suit you?

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Itsfab · 03/06/2014 13:02

I think you should leave your boyfriend tbh before things develop and God forbid you end up pregnant. He loved someone and they died. Nothing trumps that. She will always be remembered and missed and if you can't deal with that maturely you need to leave him to find someone who can.