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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to alter the dress without telling the bride?

178 replies

WeAreEternal · 30/05/2014 23:52

A friend has asked me to be a witness at her low key wedding marriage ceremony.

They decided to get married but don't want a big do so are organising the whole thing in a month, basically it is just a registry office ceremony with a couple of witnesses and immediate family and close friends, (I think she said there will be 11 people there.) then a meal at a nice local restaurant after.

She b

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 31/05/2014 15:35

You are paying for the dress, you had no input in the choosing of it I assume?

It doesn't fit, you need to get it sorted. I would also try another seamstress to see what other options there are for alteration.

mrsbucketxx · 31/05/2014 15:56

i like corset back dresses Blush i seem to be the only on on here that does

diddl · 31/05/2014 16:12

I think it depends on the dress as to whether or not it'll suit tbh.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 31/05/2014 16:21

I wouldn't be happy to be expected to pay for a dress that didn't fit, especially one that will be uncomfortable and probably end up hurting by the end of the day.

I think you should give her a couple of options. Either the dress is altered so it remains the way it is and risk the dress not being ready on time or you have the corset back put in.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 31/05/2014 16:28

Whatever the OP does it'll have to be soon, the wedding is on Tuesday.

OP can you get someone to take a couple of photos of you in the dress with your phone and send them to her. If the bride can see the reality it make make her realise that the corset back is the best option and agree to it.

Hulababy · 31/05/2014 16:31

I wouldn't pay for a dress that didn't for me and I wasn't allowed to alter to make it for.

The bride is def being unreasonable if she expects you to not only wear a dress that doesn't fit but also to pay for it. It has nothing to do with trying to overshadow the bride. Surely anyone who is friends enough to want you as their bridesmaid would not want you to feel uncomfortable and be wearing something ill fitting all day! Not much of a friend or nice person if they do that's for sure.

Tell the bride it doesn't fit and that you cannot wear it as it it. Tell her you can have it altered as described or you will have to wear something else and send this one back. Ball is then in her court.

Icimoi · 31/05/2014 16:33

DejaVu, she's done that - see the post at 00.15 today.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 31/05/2014 16:35

Oops, so she has Blush

Not entirely sure if I missed it due to skim reading or if I forgot.

diddl · 31/05/2014 16:50

I'd missed that post as well!

Just read it & the bride doesn't want OP to change the dress.

Does that mean that she's OK with OP altering it to fit but not changing the look of it?

In which case there's the answer!

I'm assuming that it can't be sent back for a refund, which leaves OP out of pocket with a dress she can't wear & bride down a witness!

So something's gotta give!

squoosh · 31/05/2014 16:56

The bride has some cheek dictating that you can't make reasonable alterations to the back of a dress that you have paid for.

Ask her how exactly she expects you to wear a dress that does not fit.

Thumbwitch · 31/05/2014 16:57

Hmm.

Since you're going to be altering the back of the dress, and in general that doesn't appear in wedding photos, I think it would be a touch unreasonable of the bride to get the hump over it.

I presume that no one will be wearing any kind of wrap? Shame, because that would hide it nicely.

I say do it - I think it would make the wedding photos look far worse if your dress is pulling and bagging in the wrong places!

Maybe suggest that the bride has a lace-up back put into her dress too? She could have different colour ribbons in hers to make her stand out more...

IAmNotAMindReader · 31/05/2014 18:56

Tell her the dress is as unwearable as it is. You just can't get in it and do it up properly. Due to the type of fabric it would need to be remade from scratch as panel inserts may fall apart (I assume this is the difficulty with the chosen fabric, it being too delicate to mess much with without ruining it).
So tell her its either you have the lace back inserted, you wear a different dress or you wear it as is without zipping it up with your arse on show to the whole world and looking like a bag lady.
She'll soon come round once you explain it really that atrocious. Do a search for bad wedding dresses, there are a glut of cheap ill fitting options many of which have turned up from China or similar places because they don't use the correct fabrics or techniques. Its cost cutting all the way and nothing is left over to allow alterations and no real thought for keeping the lines of the dress.

RedRoom · 31/05/2014 19:04

I think it is bloody cheeky that she expects you to pay for a dress that doesn't fit due to her ordering the wrong measurements and you are not allowed to alter it so it does, even if you pay for that too. Tell her that as it doesn't fit because you can't be expected to wear it or pay for it. She needs to find a solution to this- you've done your best.

I paid for dresses for my bridesmaids, bought them after they have tried them on and made sure they fitted, let them choose the style they wanted and we unanimously elected the colour between us. My wedding colours were based around what my bridesmaids looked good in! I don't like brides who want everything their own way or not at all: even the things they aren't paying for or having to wear themselves!

RedRoom · 31/05/2014 19:08

PS she shouldn't have ordered dresses which came on a Saturday for a wedding on Tue, either. If she'd been more organised, you'd have seen that the measurements weren't right well before the day and you'd have had time to sort it. Even though they were your correct body measurements, we all know that cuts and fits vary massively: I bet she didn't buy her own dress with so little care!

PuppyMonkey · 31/05/2014 19:14

A photo's not going to show the prob properly, I don't think - go and show her - she needs to see what it looks like when you walk, stand up, sit down and your boobs pop out and/or you can't breathe. Grin

MaryWestmacott · 31/05/2014 19:18

OP - the only thing you can do now is put the option back to the bride so send her another message saying "Hi [Bride], I've checked with a seamstress and they can't make it fit without altering the back to have a lace up back rather than a zip (like a corset) as there's not enough fabric to make it larger - and I'm just too big for it! In the unlikely event I'll drop a dress size by Tuesday, the options as I see it are we make this alteration and I wear a wrap to cover it, or I wear another dress, which would you prefer?"

Don't just do it and have it as a surprise, make it clear not making the alternation will mean you can't wear the dress, it's then down to her what you do. She can't just tell you to wear it. It doesn't fit. Refuse.

starfishmummy · 31/05/2014 20:10

Bridezilla probably knows that the dresses don't fit as she doesn't want to be upstaged on The day Grin

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 31/05/2014 21:06

If you're going to do it definitely get some sort of wrap, corset backs really are very unattractive, whoever said serving wench style up thread was spot on.

MsVestibule · 31/05/2014 21:24

is this what a corset back looks like?

I do like the look of it, although I seem to be in a minority. As a large norked woman, I think it's a great way of making a dress fit.

riverboat1 · 31/05/2014 21:48

I don't think it's really the point whether corset backs look good or not. If the choice is between wearing an ill-fitting dress in which you will feel uncomfortable and self-conscious all day, vs a dress that fits properly and you can relax in but has a corset back...I know which I'd choose. And I'm not a massive fan of corset backs.

ChickenMe · 31/05/2014 23:22

Shame you have already told her - I would have just had it altered as if it were me the bride id want my attendant's outfit to be flattering. So I'd be happy that they hadn't brought drama to my door and had dealt with it themselves. It doesn't fit-it's going to be uncomfortable and look sub-par. What bride would want their friend to be uncomfortable?

Thumbwitch · 01/06/2014 00:39

OO, just had a look at that link MsVestibule posted - it says that the dress must fit over the hips for the corset alteration to work properly, but yours doesn't, does it WeAreEternal ? Could that be a problem? It would be awful if you paid for the dress, paid for the alteration and it STILL didn't bloody fit! :(

I think a nicely-done corset back can work really well - I know a few brides who've had it and it's looked lovely. You need to use wide ribbons in it instead of laces, obviously.

Do call her though and tell her that something has to give, or it could be the seams on your dress at the wedding, and she probably doesn't want that sideshow to take away from her day!

diddl · 01/06/2014 07:47

If its small on the hips, big on the waist, then wouldn't you need two sets of laces somehow and the corset thing to be quite long?

Hakluyt · 01/06/2014 08:37

I've been thinking about this with my dressmaker head on for ages now. If it's tight on the hips surely the corset back would have to go all the way down past your bottom? And if it really is very tight in the bust, there'll be lots of bare skin showing. And if it's a chiffon-y material won't it wrinkle horribly across the front without any boning......

I would try another dressmaker..........

eddielizzard · 01/06/2014 08:42

ugh this is my idea of a nightmare.

can you tack the side seams so it fits?

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