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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to alter the dress without telling the bride?

178 replies

WeAreEternal · 30/05/2014 23:52

A friend has asked me to be a witness at her low key wedding marriage ceremony.

They decided to get married but don't want a big do so are organising the whole thing in a month, basically it is just a registry office ceremony with a couple of witnesses and immediate family and close friends, (I think she said there will be 11 people there.) then a meal at a nice local restaurant after.

She b

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 31/05/2014 08:31

I think the corset back would look lovely. I love corset backs and think they have a big wow factor.

BUT if your dress currently matches the brides and you do this you are seriously at risk of upstaging the bride. And yabu to do that. You need to talk to her.

OliviaBenson · 31/05/2014 08:32

I'd say that you've been 'wearing it in' and the zip broke because it was too tight, so you has to alter it...

DippyEggNSolders · 31/05/2014 08:34

It's not a case of asking her, it's telling her:

Hi bride

I have a problem with the dress, it doesn't fit. Solutions are x y z. I'm choosing solution x, as you have other things to worry about. If you have any other suggestions, I'm all ears. However, I need to move quickly because seamstress needs to do it all by Tuesday. I'm ok to go with solution x? Great, bye

Ideal conversation (not text!)

Or, do it and risk bridezilla tantrum on the morning!

OwlCapone · 31/05/2014 08:34

Tell the bride that this is the only way to make the dress fit. Tell her that it won't notice as there will be no photos of them from the back, only from the front, so the dresses will all still look the same.

There really isn't another option within the timeframe.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 31/05/2014 08:36

But she's specifically said, more than once, that she doesn't want you to change the dress. Therefore unless it's unwearable it would be pretty mean to change it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/05/2014 08:38

Vivacia that's not what she means about putting a corset back in
She has explained up thread
You take out the zip and you add a 'corset back' ie ribbon crossover ties so the dress can be tied to fit.

BigArea · 31/05/2014 08:38

OP are the dresses identical? (As a PP said this seems weird to me!) And will the colour be easy to match for the dressmaker to get hold of matching fabric for the panel and lacing?

If so, could you suggest to the bride that you both get your dresses altered in this way?

Otherwise, depending on what you've already said via email, could you say that the dress simply won't do up and therefore you have to get it altered, or else wear an alternative dress?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/05/2014 08:39

Has she ordered to the correct measurements? Is it made to the correct measurements? Or was it just the closest size off the peg? Is there time to take it up with the original seller?

Whyjustwhyagain · 31/05/2014 08:43

If you are paying for the dress then get it altered to fit you.

If she is paying, then it's more difficult, but honestly, why would anybody want someone to wear an outfit that they are uncomfortable in?

Other solution would be to wear the dress as is, then get changed into something of your own after the photos.

LithaR · 31/05/2014 08:45

I'd do it. I was a bridesmaid for my sisters wedding and despite me asking her to wait to get mine due to dieting, she went ahead and bought one two sizes too big.

I felt like rubbish in the taped up dress and it destroyed my motivation to stick to my diet.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 31/05/2014 08:47

If she wants them all to match, but yours is unwearable, suggest all three have corset backs put in? She might be happy with that?

Vivacia · 31/05/2014 08:47

(Yes, I know Ehric I was being sarcastic).

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 31/05/2014 08:49

woodwaj · 31/05/2014 08:55

Is it expensive to make it a corset back? Could you consider changing the other dress as well? It seems like her issue is you not matching each other?

kungfupannda · 31/05/2014 09:00

I have to say, if someone insisted that I wear a particular dress, pay for it myself, and then threw a hissy fit about me altering it to fit, I think my motivation to attend their wedding would be reducing rapidly!

If it doesn't fit, it needs to be altered. A corset back is a perfectly reasonable solution. How it will look will depend on the style of the dress, but it can always be covered up with a shrug or shawl. Are the dresses identical, or just intended to look nice together? If the latter, then what's the problem with altering it? They're surely not identical? I've never been to a wedding where a bride wore the same as the bridesmaids/other guests.

APlaceInTheWinter · 31/05/2014 09:02

YABU and I think you know that. That's why you are trying to get strangers on the internet to justify you ignoring your friend's wishes. It's not that you are not telling the bride. You've discussed it with her and then decided you didn't like her answer

The only part of the wedding that has had much effort (you have said) is the dresses and you are unilaterally deciding to undermine that. A corset dress is more striking and of course it will be noticed. I really have no idea why you would want to upset your friend on her wedding day by ignoring what she wants and making your dress more striking than her's.

Maybe you need another seamstress. We had to alter bridesmaid dresses quite substantially and they did it in a morning. The fitting problems were similar to your's. I think you should have a call round.

diddl · 31/05/2014 09:20

"I have to say, if someone insisted that I wear a particular dress, pay for it myself, and then threw a hissy fit about me altering it to fit, I think my motivation to attend their wedding would be reducing rapidly!"

Absolutely!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/05/2014 09:33

Uh oh that went right over my head :)

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2014 09:37

aplaceinthewinter

Are you the bride?

Roussette · 31/05/2014 09:37

I used to sew lots and it would take a helluva lot more effort to put a corset in the back of a dress than just taper and alter the dress to fit you. I can't quite believe the seamstress you spoke to said that. Is she thinking of boning it, is she adding ribbons or laces?

I imagine you don't particularly like this dress and you are trying to give it a bit more oomph and make you look hot in it, but it's a bit mean to do that if it's going to alter the whole style of the dress and maybe overshadow the bridge and you should just get it altered to fit.

limitedperiodonly · 31/05/2014 09:38

I hate corset backs. They make you look like a serving wench. But I'd probably go with that option in your position OP. Or keep my coat on the whole day.

Roussette · 31/05/2014 09:39

Overshadow the bridge?! Overshadow the bride !

Sicaq · 31/05/2014 09:41

Just do it. You are doing her the favour of being her bridesmaid, AND paying for it! She doesn't it like it, then she can have a wedding without bridesmaids.

Helpys · 31/05/2014 09:42

What's a corset back?

(Joke)

APlaceInTheWinter · 31/05/2014 09:44

Suburban I'm not the bride I've just been a bridesmaid lots of times and had lots of dresses altered.

If my friend wanted me to wear a certain dress and one seamstress told me the only way she could do it in time was to substantially alter the dress into a different style, then I'd call a different seamstress.

It's not that complicated shrugs . Unless your motivation is to upstage the bride on her wedding day and then, yeah, I can see how it becomes imperative that the style of the dress is substantially altered.

When I was a bridesmaid for my friend, she had got the dress in the wrong size. I rang round the country (literally) to see which shops had it in the correct size. Found one. Drove 40 miles to pick it up and then it still needed altered slightly so I got that done too. I didn't at any point say 'let me alter this initial dress that you have picked for your wedding into a different style because I cba making a few phone calls'.

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