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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to alter the dress without telling the bride?

178 replies

WeAreEternal · 30/05/2014 23:52

A friend has asked me to be a witness at her low key wedding marriage ceremony.

They decided to get married but don't want a big do so are organising the whole thing in a month, basically it is just a registry office ceremony with a couple of witnesses and immediate family and close friends, (I think she said there will be 11 people there.) then a meal at a nice local restaurant after.

She b

OP posts:

Ourma · 31/05/2014 00:52

Will you be at the bride's house when getting dressed? If so, who will do up the corset back for you? She'd probably notice you needing extra help and may cause a problem.

ShadowsCollideCantLogInToMN · 31/05/2014 01:06

Honestly, I'd have it altered. The other bridesmaid at my sister's wedding (my younger sister) ended up with a dress with a buggered zip. Fit her perfectly, just the zip was broken. We got the dresses 2 days before we had to leave for the wedding (and my Sister has paid almost 700 quid each for the dresses to be made, that dressmaker was a joke, but that's another story). So my Mum did a quick dash to the seamstress that we go to, and she put in a new zip. The only one she could get at such short notice was several shades lighter than the dress, and much more obvious that the original zip (side zips on all dresses). On the morning of the wedding, younger sis was in a huge flap, worrying the older sis would notice the zip. Older sis never so much as glanced at it. She was so busy getting dressed, and looking forward to getting married, that she barely glanced at our dresses.

ForeskinHyena · 31/05/2014 01:10

If the top was too tight to actually do up, rather than just a bit snug, you wouldn't have an option and would HAVE to have it altered. You wouldn't want to worry the bride so close to the wedding so you'd just get it done rather than let her fret about it.

As you say, with a shawl or wrap of some sort she won't even see the difference and all the photos will presumably be from the front so it won't show.

slithytove · 31/05/2014 01:16

I think it's a bit cheeky that the only thing they have put money into is the dresses, yet you are buying yours! and apparently aren't even allowed to get it to fit

SweetsForMySweet · 31/05/2014 01:18

YABU not to speak to the bride about it first BEFORE getting alterations made to the dress. Putting in a corset back sounds like a very different dress and if she ordered the dress to match with hers, you should ask her before giving the go ahead. It is her wedding so everyone should be looking at the bride not you!

slithytove · 31/05/2014 01:30

I don't have a single photo of the back of my bridesmaids (or anyone but me) at my wedding, and I have over 500 photos.

Is it that big a deal?

ThunderbumsMum · 31/05/2014 01:31

Hang on, what do you mean by putting a corset back in??

LifeTakesGrit · 31/05/2014 01:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squoosh · 31/05/2014 01:37

If you're the one paying for the dress you can alter it in any way it needs to be altered! I wouldn't give it a second thought.

To be honest when the bride expects you to pay for your own dress you should get to choose the dress.

squoosh · 31/05/2014 01:40

I was a bridesmaid last year. Bridesmaid dresses were ordered from China...............you can see where this is going. Yes, the dress arrived and it was teeny tiny. I hot footed it down to the alterations shop and told them to do what they had to do to make it fit. Didn't occur to me to consult the bride first. I had to wear the dress so I had to get the dress to fit.

All worked out fine.

Lovecat · 31/05/2014 01:45

Slithy I have several photos of my bridesmaid's backs... it was 1991 and they were wearing deep v-back Laura Ashley dresses with huge bows just above the bum (I know, I know, but it was v. fashionable at the time!) and consequently the photographer decided to take quite a few snaps of the 'feature'.... Needless to say none of these made it into the wedding album (and I paid for the dresses!)

OP, I would make sure the dress fits you. If the corset back can't be seen at all from the front, I don't think your friend can really complain, can she?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 31/05/2014 07:42

Why would she tell you not to do it? Is she a bit stupid?

Vivacia · 31/05/2014 07:47

What other options do you have?

SandorClegane · 31/05/2014 07:56

Does anyone know what the OP meant by putting a corset back in?

Revised · 31/05/2014 07:58

Do theother dresses fit?

If it doesn't fit you can't wear it so Will either need to get it altered or buy another - meaning you can't pay fir this one. Ask the bride which she prefers

flowery · 31/05/2014 08:06

Yes what Revised said. It doesn't fit you, therefore it needs to be ditched or altered. Give the bride the options and ask which she'd prefer.

littlewhitebag · 31/05/2014 08:10

The corset back idea is quite simple. Imagine where the long zip is down the back of the dress. It has no give or ability for adjustment.

Remove the zip and put in a corset style, lace up fastening (not an entire corset).

OP can then pull the lacing tighter round the waist to draw it in and make it looser at the top round her bust.

I think it would look really nice. However, i think OP needs to tell the bride that she is doing this otherwise the dress won't fit.

BeckAndCall · 31/05/2014 08:12

The OP has explained on page 1 what she means by a corset back - it's the lace up style semi opening feature up the back. So it'll make it bigger by cutting down the centre back seam, or taking the zip out, and replacing with two neat finished edges and self coloured straps/ laces which criss cross to a tie finish. Thereby being a variable size fastening.

Read the thread guys!

marriednotdead · 31/05/2014 08:17

I think that the issue for the bride would be that by the OP changing the zip for corset style lacing, that then the OP's dress would be more fancy- am I right? And that's why she knows that the bride will say no.

How about suggesting that you both have that done?
You say you're not keen but the dress which you paid for sounds unwearable afterwards anyway.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 31/05/2014 08:23

I think it depends how badly it doesn't fit. If it is just slightly less than flattering, leave it, it just smacks of trying to get one over on the bride. If you are going to be bursting out when you sit down you'll have to do it.

I can see the practical advantages of the corset back but I really hate them myself, they were one of the few features I was adamant I wouldn't consider in my wedding dress, so I'd have been pretty pissed off if a bridesmaid had had one put in without telling me. I know they won't be seen in the photos, but that isn't the point. If you really have to do it then tell her that's that you were doing, I'd be more pissed off about the not telling than the alteration.

FatimaLovesBread · 31/05/2014 08:24

Why does she want you both wearing dresses to match her anyway? Doesn't she want to look different?

Vivacia · 31/05/2014 08:24

Does anyone know what the OP meant by putting a corset back in?

Yes, I think it means there used to be a corset in the dress, then it was taken out and now the OP wants to put it back in.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 31/05/2014 08:28

Also, unless it is unwearable, why risk upsetting the bride on her wedding day? She doesn't sound bridezilla-ish but if it matches hers and hers happens to not fit brilliantly either she might not feel great if you turn up in one that has been changed to suit you. I'd let it go, it's her big day and it's not unreasonable to wear a slightly badly fitting dress for one day.

PassTheCakeitsbeenatough1 · 31/05/2014 08:28

I'd just do it, if she notices then just explain that the dress wouldn't fasten and you had no other option. I've been uncomfortable in a bridesmaid dress which looked awful, it's not worth it. The photos looked terrible and it just drew attention to me for all the wrong reasons, it also made the bride look like a cow (the style of dress was inappropriate for my shape - strapless, long, sheath and pale yellow) and because I was hormonal from just giving birth I was tearful about how I looked all day. My dress burst during the reception, I was so embarrassed and people still bring it up now.

If I'd adjusted it myself then even if the bride had noticed I wouldn't have drawn so much attention to myself - seriously, do it. Those photos will come back to haunt you.

diddl · 31/05/2014 08:28

Depending on the style of the dress, a corset back could look great or awful!

Point is that the dress is useless atm!

I think you either have to alter it or buy something else, OP.

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