Childbirth pain -is it just me this annoys?

[lbsjob87]

I'm 35 weeks with my second. Number 1 was 5yrs ago, and after a 28-hour labour, with her back-to-back and eventually with shoulder dystosia, ended in an emergency CS. Stressful, painful and not easily forgettable (which partly explains the 5yr gap!)
This time, I am taking it as it comes, at the moment I'm aiming for VBaC but the baby's breech at the mo, so what will be will be, if I need another CS, I'll have one.
My possibly totally unreasonable gripe is this. I get REALLY hacked off when women have babies with just gas and air, or not even that, and people say "Oh, she did ever so well, bless her."
One relative gave birth on just two paracetamol and seven years later it still gets referred to like she won an Olympic medal or something.
It's not the women themselves I am cross at, but the people who say it and suggest (in my head) that those of us who do go down the epidural/spinal route somehow don't "do well" and aren't as deserving of their praise.
I'm surrounded by pregnant people/new mothers at the moment but every time I hear it, I think "Fuck off, maybe she just naturally has a high pain threshold, or had an easier time of it. It doesn't make her bloody Superwoman."
My own mother says it and she's a retired midwife!
AIBU to think this? I admit it does make me far crosser than it actually should. It's probably hormones, but is it just me?

Well they did do well didn't they?
Doesn't mean you didn't too.

You don't get points for being in pain (i.e. not having pain relief) any more than you get points for having a section!

Get over it.

No one has a "nice" time having a baby. Women who have an easier time need encouragement and support as well as people who have a harder time. i think these comments are just a way of supporting some women, without giving any thought to how it might make women who have had a harder time feel. Most people realise it is a complete lottery, and you can never predict what sort of child birth you are going to get.

Anyone who GENUINELY thinks one woman in child birth has "performed" better than another is a nincompoop who should be totally disregarded.

EVERYONE performs a bloody miracle having a baby. I suspect this is more about your insecurities than anything else. In fact, I wonder whether there is a 'no pain relief gestapo' developing - similar to the loathsome 'breastfeeding gestapo' phenomenon. Me - no pain relief here. I'm damn proud of what I did. But I'd be proud whatever I did.....

It always makes me think ooooo you poor lady in your state of birthing martyrdom. Although I find it's often said by their partners....rels not the mums themselves about their experience.

Then I congratulate myself for choosing a calm and civilised Elcs.

I think this is just a thoughtless phrase that people say without really thinking about the exact implication I.e. Going without pain relief is to be admired.

I think childbirth has a load of misogynistic old fashioned attitudes about it which suggest natural is best and CS, epidurals and suffering equates to cheating. I think we should have moved away from the Adam and Eve idea that women should suffer to prove themselves. We haven't yet and women themselves perpetuate it often

I had three deliveries. The one I had no pain relief for was the easiest. I wasn't a hero...it was the easiest. I don't see why I should be congratulated more for that than the one where I suffered and suffered.

And for the record, I had an epidural with DS1, nothing with DS2 (born too quickly) and a difficult birth with only pethidine 10 minutes before he was born with DS3 (pointless).

In terms of actually giving birth, DS1 was by far the easiest as...surprise, surprise once the epidural was up and running, I couldn't feel anything!

I'm with you OP. Reducing childbirth to a competition is deeply patronising and frankly quite ignorant.

Tune them out and have faith in your own choices.

Do you feel you didn't do as well because you had pain relief? Because your opinion is the only one that actually matters, everyone else can fuck off!

I had a really quick, really easy (IMO) birth but then my baby wasn't back to back & didn't have any complications. Every birth is different, no one shoutld pass comment until they experience it. That won't stop people of course so just punch them next time a blame the hormones

I agree that all childbirth is an achievement, but you are right, FrontForward, and IME an elective CS is like the ultimate cop out.
Despite it being voluntary major surgery, while you are awake and can see what's going in, which is a big deal for some people.
I probably am insecure, aren't we all about something, but as long as I'm not paranoid, I'm OK!

Sounds very annoying, but not something I've come across (yet!).

When I gave birth there wasn't time for even a paracetamol (and no gas and air available where I live). There is nothing to be proud of, she was born without pain relief because there was no other option. Would have taken anything available to be honest!!

It's all down to circumstance and luck. Everyone who has grown a baby and given birth (c-section included) have 'done well'.

I think doing it without pain relief should be something that is seen as an achievement and "doing well" I had a mobile epidural and gas and air, I could have done it without had pain relief not been an option but I didn't want to.

Many people put lots of effort into preparing themselves for a drug free birth, I don't see why saying they did well is a bad thing.

I don't think you or me or anyone who had pain relief or intervention for whatever reason did badly.

I find it strange that people still see their birth as an achievement or failure years after the event, surely much more interesting things have happened between then and now ( like watching the child grow up).

I did enjoy birth, it was lovely, nice time with my dp and gas and air is fantastic, I'm pregnant again and I can't wait for the birth, I will be saying "yes thanks" at least togas and air.

FrontForward- i was going to put similar in my comment but couldn't word it correctly, what you said

I don't feel bad about my experience, JellyBeans, because it was how it was.
What gets me, I admit is the fact that others around me get "Ooh, well done you, brave lady" whereas I have genuinely had several times "Well, it's not your fault it went wrong."
Er, no, it's not, and so what, it worked out fine eventually.
Think I need to get over it;)

I know (a fuckwit) woman who included the fact she had no pain relief in capital letters on a birth announcement on Facebook. I mean ffs

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I also found the whole concept of 'birth plans' totally ridiculous after having had 3 babies. Stuff happens, and you do what you can. With baby no.2 I had an epidural, best bloody choice I've ever made right there. With baby no. 3 - I just had gas + air and out she popped. The hardest birth for me was the first one, and after that experience, I wouldn't comment on anyone else's choices, ever. Perhaps the people you are describing don't have sufficient imagination or empathy. (Sorry, didn't mean to insult your Mum!)

I kind of get what you mean. While I don't have kids and am certainly not an expert, I've had to put up with comments like this from my mum for years.

She pushed me, my DS and DB out on nothing more than strong tea and half a paracetamol back in the 80's and did nothing more than breathe a bit heavily didn't her 20 minute labours. Or so she tells us. She regularly bitches about others in labour (either during her labour or friends she has known) saying "oh they were screaming, they didn't scream when it was put there!"

When my DS and DSIL gave birth she took great pleasure in belittling them to all an sundry because "they'd begged for epidural and were only 20 hours in and hadn't given it a chance" and for other reasons that, from what I gather, are pretty bloody normal/routine when it comes to childbirth!

On top of that she goes out of her way to advocate pain free/no interference births which I know upsets my DS and DSIL.

I'm NC with my mum as she's a narcissist.

I think that personally, if I had kids I'd be taking everything they had to offer and not give a damn what anyone says, especially not my Mum. But I'm a lot stronger than my DS or DSIL when it comes to standing up to her. I know they felt like failures because of how she made them feel because their labours needs more assistance.

And I think that's what the OP is trying to say. It isn't a competition or anything and no one os taking anything away from anyone whose labour is at opposite ends of the pain spectrum. It's more that feeling when you the achievement is taken away because you didn't do "as well" as someone else.

Would you think someone has 'done well' to have their appendix out with no pain relief? I personally would think they were being a martyr as the end result is no different at all

Actually my decision to go without pain relief was more to do with my fears around throwing up. Being sick is more likely with pain relief and, for me, that would have been FAR worse than pain. So in a way I was not being brave at all. And no, I wasn't sick and didn't feel sick at any point.

I had one birth with g&a, and two with nothing and not once has anyone said I did well!

But I do feel there's a big judgement about women who don't use pain relief, that they're bonkers for screaming in agony, or all lentil-weaving hippies embracing the healing pain or something. I'm not very comfortable talking about it in real life because it's seen as 'bragging' or whatever. Not bragging, just factual, I had easy labours and enjoyed childbirth. Doesn't make me any better or worse than anyone else.

Ah, Sharon exactly my point that you assume someone who does without pain relief is a martyr! Not true, maybe they just don't feel the need for it.

Exactly that, shellistar, and sorry you have had such a tough time with your mum.
I think my point is that everyone is different, and society seems to view everything as a competition.
But childbirth can be a traumatic time as well as a wonderful one, but we tend not to focus on that.

Yanbu. I had an emcs following 24 hours in labour, then needed further hours of surgery under ga because the surgeon made such a mess. I was just grateful that my dd and I both survived. And I think I did pretty well to recover as well as I have.

Yet some people still feel the need to tell me how well their daughter did in labour because she didn't need any of the interventions I had. When I mentioned to one of these lovely people that I'll have to have an elcs if I have any more children (emcs injuries make a natural birth too risky now), one of them genuinely asked why I'd want to have another child if I couldn't give birth to them naturally.

I agree. I think people sometimes say things like that because they like to believe they have control over the whole process. Ha.

Completely agree that it's not a competition. But I am not sure the OP's first sentence conveys this message though.

Babies cannot read birth plans! Just go with what feels right for you .After two easy births third child was a c section. I cannot imagine why anyone would choose that route though because it is major surgery and the recovery is so long. I think anyone who says they "enjoyed" the birth is fibbing .Childbirth is like climbing Mt Everest .B*** hard work but great when you get there!