Childbirth pain -is it just me this annoys?

[lbsjob87]

I'm 35 weeks with my second. Number 1 was 5yrs ago, and after a 28-hour labour, with her back-to-back and eventually with shoulder dystosia, ended in an emergency CS. Stressful, painful and not easily forgettable (which partly explains the 5yr gap!)
This time, I am taking it as it comes, at the moment I'm aiming for VBaC but the baby's breech at the mo, so what will be will be, if I need another CS, I'll have one.
My possibly totally unreasonable gripe is this. I get REALLY hacked off when women have babies with just gas and air, or not even that, and people say "Oh, she did ever so well, bless her."
One relative gave birth on just two paracetamol and seven years later it still gets referred to like she won an Olympic medal or something.
It's not the women themselves I am cross at, but the people who say it and suggest (in my head) that those of us who do go down the epidural/spinal route somehow don't "do well" and aren't as deserving of their praise.
I'm surrounded by pregnant people/new mothers at the moment but every time I hear it, I think "Fuck off, maybe she just naturally has a high pain threshold, or had an easier time of it. It doesn't make her bloody Superwoman."
My own mother says it and she's a retired midwife!
AIBU to think this? I admit it does make me far crosser than it actually should. It's probably hormones, but is it just me?

My fear with my 1st was that it would hurt so much I would actually ask for an epidural-it bloody did & I did but it was such a quick labour there was no time.
This did however put me in the mindset that I had done it on G&A once so I could do it again which I did with my 2nd & yes I was proud of myself.
It doesn't matter how you give birth as long as they arrive safely, be proud of that.

Every woman who has a baby, whether vaginally or by c section elective or emergency does well and is a star. It's hard work either way.
Different people have different births. I had short labours and no pain relief, or virtually none. DS got distressed so they gave me an epidural about 15 mins before he came out so they could use the ventouse and give it a good rummage and yank. DD was born in 2.5 hours from first twinge to coming out and I actually quite enjoyed it...just as I was thinking "oooh, fuck I'm not sure I can handle this actually" she crowned, three pushes and she was born. Super fast. But that's just the luck of the draw, I seem to have precipitous (fast) labours...which has some drawbacks, but means it's all over quickly.
Those first months it's all swirling round your head and it feels like people are criticising, but I don't think they mean to. For some people it's a worse experience than others, but don't take it to heart. You made and grew a baby and brought it into the world. You're amazing!

Delicate point here but are there cultural issues too. I live in London and worked with a lot of black ladies who seem to hold quite robust views including one who had two sections and who mentioned that her mum had been disappointed that she hadn't done it properly. Also stories from friends who have had birth at a large hospital in Tooting and claim to have heard mothers/sisters laying into black women after births about letting down the sisterhood.

After having an elcs which was amazing. I remember a community midwife coming round the next day and saying...."now don't be feeling guilty and sad that you have missed out on a natural birth"

I thought what a strange thing to say and told her I felt none of the above ....just amazingly lucky.

Doesn't bother me. I did gas and air for the majority, then diamorphine at around the 28 hours mark when my waters were broken for me. At around 32 hours I had to have an epidural because it became clear I was not going to be able to deliver naturally (I wished I had got the epidural earlier because as I waited until I was fully dilated there was a chance they were going to have to knock me out).

I don't care what pain relief women choose, it's entirely up to them. When I hear someone saying such-n-such did amazing it's because they did do an amazing thing. Everyone does. I can't get my knickers in a twist over someone being proud of another family member/friend/wife etc.

My DM is the opposite. If she ever thinks someone had 'far too easy a time of it' in labour, the arms are folded and she gets that sucked-lemon look. But then she's Catholic and I think they like people to have a good miserable time ....

I had one with every method of pain relief going. However I did not feel supported by the midwife and therefore felt completely unsafe all the time. DD was in a terrible position, but the midwife barely came near me and did not identify it. DD didn't turn, and was delivered via ventouse. I felt traumatised and blamed myself afterwards, and it affected how I bonded with DD. Method of delivery is only part of it, OP your feelings could be due to you needing to resolve the issues surrounding the birth in your head and the superwoman stories of other women are probably not helping with this.

DD2 I was in labour, but she was in a different position, I convinced myself after the first time that this could not possibly be labour as I was coping, even though I could not talk or do anything really during the contractions. I arrived at the hospital 6-7 cm dilated, had meptid and gas and air, but it was too late for an epidural. It was really hard pushing her out, but I never felt unsafe, the midwife was brilliant and never left my side.

I am due in June and am again terrified about what will happen during labour and whether I will be able to cope. It is about how your baby presents, how you feel, and what support you have. I am going to try and keep calm, but if the baby presents similarly to DD1 then I am in big trouble. I plan to tell those on duty that I am terrified and if I feel unsupported tend to go into panic mode. I will see how I go. I just want this baby out using the path of least resistance, whether that be all the pain relief under the sun, or not. Just want to get it over with.

I agree. I have birthed 3 big babies with only gas and air but do not deserve an award for bravery (although you could argue ALL birthing women need a medal!).

I was lucky because I have a body made for carrying and delivering babies (I know it sounds wanky), I gave birth quickly and efficiently without any kind of trauma to me or my babies. I always feel I'm the kind of woman who 50 years ago would have had 18 children

That is LUCK not bravery. My mother was exactly the same and so was her mother.

I have friends with inefficient bodies for birthing babies. They have had slow, traumatic births that have made them feel like failures. This is such a shame. There is nothing different between me and them except luck of the draw.

I begged for pain relief during my undiagnosed labour. I was told pain relief would slow things down and I wanted to get things going. Things were going. By the time they realised actually, maybe I did need pain relief it was time to push . I was in white hot pain and couldn't make a noise as it was so agonising...I think they mistook this for coping well.

Anyone telling me I'd done well afterwards was making an understatement, even though I had no choice but to "do well".

It's just something people open their mouths and let their belly rumble about say.

What pisses me right off is when people say or imply that if I just relaxed and had no fear or did hypno birthing it would have been pain free,

Utter wank. I did hypno birthing for the second and it was still agonising. Was fear free for both and calm, but dd1 was back to back and bloody awkward. Ventouse failed and forceps nearly failed, although still managed to rip me to shreds.

Fear free my arse.

With childbirth you get what you get. Almost all of us try to imagine we'll be relaxed and calm and the baby will slip out and birds will be tweeting soft choruses in the trees outside ... Okay I'm taking that too far.

For some people, they get the birth they envisaged but then mistakenly go on to think that had something to do with them, not just the sheer good luck it was.

I recently gave birth with no pain relief... I wanted some but I left it too late! I do feel like it was a massive achievement that I survived without it (because I was definitely wanting it!) but I keep that feeling within my own four walls. I won't lie - it's given me a sort of feeling of invincibility. Which I suppose is the best outcome from going through a birth. I'm not sad, traumatised, scared etc. But absolutely Everyone that has a baby should feel proud of themselves, however it happens. I feel immensely proud of all of my friends and the myriad different ways their babies have come into the world. And it's actually how you are going to be as a parent to this wonderful gift that is a hundred times more important. Birth is just the beginning after all...

YANBU, I had a crash section with dd1 after a very long labour and was very physically unwell afterwards.

I've yet to get over the guilt even though dd is almost 9. The guilt was reinforced by me being asked why I didn't love dd enough to give birth properly like normal women. In court the tirade of abuse to 'prove' I was the worst mother in the history of all mothers ended with; "she couldn't even give properly". They also said "she has no right to claim to be a mum, she didn't actually give birth". To top it all I had to deal with a sobbing dd when she was told that Mummy didn't want her and they knew that because I couldn't be bothered to put enough effort into staying awake to see her born. I've also been asked why I didn't try harder to give birth properly, why I couldn't be a proper woman, how did I have the right to be tired because I hadn't experienced labour. Apparently very painful contractions for 3.5 days so no sleep,being fully dilated for 15 hours but being told to fight the urge to push because dd's head was too high followed by bleeding out to the point of losing consciousness means I didn't put any effort in at all.

What makes me sad is the guilt my sister in law feels because she thinks she has caused my nephew to be high needs by having a difficult labour. She blames herself and thinks this one thing has made him the way he is. The fact is that she is a wonderful and patient parent, and he is a lovely little boy who is challenging at times, but is actually a real credit to her.

No YANBU. And I say this as someone who had a very easy labour, no pain relief (tried gas and air but didn't like it). It was LUCK, nothing else, pure luck that he was in the right position etc.

While I was in labour my mum and husband kept saying "you're doing so well" and it irritated the hell out of me. What choice did I have at that point?! I couldn't help anything I was doing, the baby was coming, I couldn't help pushing and there was nothing to be done but let him be born. If anything had gone wrong it wouldn't have been my fault, and on the flipside, it wasn't down to anything I was consciously doing that made things go 'right'.

I had no pain relief and it was fucking awful (induction as well). Wish I had had an epidural, I would have been less traumatised and the forceps but wouldn't have been quite as bad

I think there's a huge variety in pain experiences in childbirth, not just related to size/position of baby but also maternal physiology and sheer damn luck. Induced births also really are more painful despite midwives claiming otherwise

I know someone who did have genuinely painfree (and precipitate) births with her first two babies lucky cow and then an epic horrible massively painful long drawn out birth with her third, so it can't really be that childbirth experiences are down to something marvellous that you did or didn't do, or some kind of moral force of character...

People are real dickheads. If that's how they want to think- good for them. It's their 'thing'.

Surely all that matters is that your baby is ok?

Give me the painkillers

I think people are being polite and feel they have to say something.

If a woman says to you that she didnt use any pain relief in labour its kind of the expected response to say well done. 99% of the time the person saying well done couldn't actually give a shit what pain relief the woman had or didn't have.

I completely get where you're coming from, and I pretty much agree.

But I think it's just as wrong when it's assumed that women who didn't use pain relief didn't have a hard time of labour, or they are lucky to have the right build, or they must have a high pain threshold. All those assumptions are just as inaccurate and offensive as making an assumption that someone who had a CS had an easy time of it.

Labour is a complicated thing with the potential for many differences even they would be similar by a textbook.

I had an ELCS for my DS and I have absolutely no qualms about it. I certainly don't feel less of a woman for it or that I didn't perform well or I took a cop out etc.

The growing and carrying of the baby is the magic of pregnancy - who cares how the baby actually comes into the world?!

That's what I get woowoo.

I went from 0-100mph so to speak in 4 hours with my labour. My waters broke less than an hour after contractions started, midwives didn't even bother to check how dilated I was and sent me home saying it would be ages.

I was therefore at home in agony freaking out that I was in so much pain and thinking I wasn't even 1cm dilated. It caused me a lot of distress and I made my husband take me back to the hospital 2 hours later.

The midwife told me to get on the bed, pulled a face at me and sighed 'let's see what the fuss is then missy' (fucking cheek).

She took one look and said 'oh' and called in the other midwife to get in as his head was crowing.

I was ALLOWED any pain relief and believe me I would have loved some.

Now all I get is people telling me how easy and quick and how he basically 'fell out'.

I think you just can't win

Fucking spell check - what I wouldn't do for an edit button!

I wasn't allowed pain relief!

DH always says to people I did so well having dd2 on just gas and air, I think he does it to make me feel better about the horrific time I had begging for more pain relief and being given none, I was in labour for over 24 hours and my final midwife stood in the corner of the room watching me push. He's definitely not putting anyone else down just trying to turn a horrific experience into a positive one for me.

Fwiw it doesn't matter how the baby gets out, I've never met anyone who thinks it does. If they do then they are a bit of a dick.

I gave birth on 2 paracetamol because the sadistic midwife wouldnt give me anything else. Im still bitter 2.5 years on. My mum told me id done well and i told her to fuck right off you condescending cow. So yes it is annoying and yanbu.

Sadly many do care, I try and avoid admitting my failings in RL. I'll never get over the guilt or be able to forget being told publicly that I must not love dd.