Childbirth pain -is it just me this annoys?

[lbsjob87]

I'm 35 weeks with my second. Number 1 was 5yrs ago, and after a 28-hour labour, with her back-to-back and eventually with shoulder dystosia, ended in an emergency CS. Stressful, painful and not easily forgettable (which partly explains the 5yr gap!)
This time, I am taking it as it comes, at the moment I'm aiming for VBaC but the baby's breech at the mo, so what will be will be, if I need another CS, I'll have one.
My possibly totally unreasonable gripe is this. I get REALLY hacked off when women have babies with just gas and air, or not even that, and people say "Oh, she did ever so well, bless her."
One relative gave birth on just two paracetamol and seven years later it still gets referred to like she won an Olympic medal or something.
It's not the women themselves I am cross at, but the people who say it and suggest (in my head) that those of us who do go down the epidural/spinal route somehow don't "do well" and aren't as deserving of their praise.
I'm surrounded by pregnant people/new mothers at the moment but every time I hear it, I think "Fuck off, maybe she just naturally has a high pain threshold, or had an easier time of it. It doesn't make her bloody Superwoman."
My own mother says it and she's a retired midwife!
AIBU to think this? I admit it does make me far crosser than it actually should. It's probably hormones, but is it just me?

I had 1 very difficult birth with major interventions.

1 "normal" birth with minimal intervention and no pain relief at all.

And 1 "normal" with moderate pain relief and minor interventions.

Each time I had a birth plan of minimal intervention, but it evolved during the labour, and unexpected complications were dealt with.

But, the best bit was, each time I had a healthy baby, and I was alive. After the difficult birth I was told that 20 years earlier we would have been both dead in labour. That's the achievement to be proud of. A healthy baby.

Yes I'm horrible, that's why I hate myself.

See, you've done it again. I said Just stop it, stop posting about it, stop saying on every single thread you're on that you are sub-human and worthless and that every single person you ever meet calls you such. It's not true, and it's horrible, which is actually pretty much the opposite of saying YOU are horrible.

Do you see?

But it is clearly untrue that you feel guilty, as you say, AH, because that would mean that on some level you agreed with those comments and granted them validity. I simply don't believe you would be allowed to train as a nurse with those views.

I also don't believe it ever happened the way you claim, but that's by the by. I'm sure you imagine it did though, so there's no point me pressing that point.

There is help out there for you, but I don't think you'll find it by posting these stories on mumsnet.

Why does anyone care how a baby is born - as long as it and the mother are ok?

Personally, I think that the women who go on and on about it all are very sad individuals who must have very little else going on in their lives.

How I gave birth to my children is my business, no-one elses.

AH, if you recognise that it is "just you" why would you post such sentiments that could upset others? Most of your life experiences seem to be "just you" Not entitled to any benefits, told to keep your legs shut, baby needs to sleep in a cupboard, worthless for not giving birth properly etc etc etc. I could do a whole big list of things that have happened to you that don't happen to anyone else ever.

You NEED to stop scaremongering on threads here where the OP could be reallly vulnerable. If you genuinely feel that these things are true, then you need help that MN cannot give.

Its all swings and roundabouts Op, I've been told I did well during my labour very quick and feck all pain relief (not planned btw!)however what alot of people don't know about is the horrendous PND which I developed after. Which resulted in me staying with my parents as my DH had to work away.

You're disbelief doesn't make it untrue. You've made it clear what you think of me.

Why can't I post on MN porto? I'm truly sorry if I've ever hurt anyone. I've never deliberately hurt anyone.

Fuck have I really damaged vulnerable people? I never wanted that. I'm sorry I'll keep everything to myself. I've cancelled my account before but felt lonely I'm so sorry.

If you want to get really tech about it is who did without pain relief did not do well we just did what nature intended.

But sure why not be proud? I'm damn proud/happy that I have given birth more than once with no drugs... In fact one home birth I hate the thought of an epidural.. I watch one born shouting at the telly with the women screaming at 1cm begging for an epi it's stupid to be totally honest.

I wanted to train as a midwife but realised it was the wrong job for mess I have no time for drama lamas.

I didn't say you can't post on MN. Though to be fair - you shouldn't. Unless you post a nice honest thread asking for help for all your issues - how your ex's family have fucked you up, how to get your fuckwit of a husband to do something, or leave, how to get help for your increasing paranoia.

Well, I'm proud that I gave birth after an epidural - I got to become a mum with minimised pain (not total pain relief, mind). That to me is a win-win. I don't get why people think it's so great to go through so much pain when they don't have to! If you want that, cool, but don't try to suggest it's a superior experience or choice than anything else.

Too much focus in the process, not on the actual fact that you get a baby at the end of it, people!

Completely agree with what lorne said up thread.

I'm not going to lie it gets on my fucking nerves in real life to constantly hear from certain mums about how 'lucky' I was not to have pain relief etc. Well done, your labour was longer then mine - here's a fucking medal. I hate the whole competition thing of it.

At least they got a steady build up of contractions - I went from nothing to unbearable in less than 30mins and was crowning a few hours later.

Freaked the shit out of me!

chatty thank fuck for your self awareness....although it's a shame you suffer a total lack of comprehension of the fact that some people are in more pain than others during birth...

Why be proud of not feeling much pain during childbirth? You may as well feel proud of the length of your femur...

We all have the nervous system and pelvic size we were born to have...it's not like you can be a better person and earn a less painful birth.

I'm not paranoid. I'm wary of trusting people, don't trust my own judgement to trust the right people. That's not quite the same.

Chatty of course you can feel proud that you didn't have pain relief, I'm proud of the fact that I had minimal pain relief. Gas and air and pethedine with ds1. I didn't want the pethedine originally, but the me said if I didn't have that so I could sleep I'd probably end up having a c section.
With ds2 I was begging for an epidural, but I'd bet my life if the anesthetist had turned up I'd have changed my mind. This is largely due.to the fact I normally have a very low pain threshold - I screamed and cried getting my ears pierced!
I'm also proud of the fact I was so polite. With ds2 I got to maternity yelled 'get ne some gas and air now... Please. Sorry. Thanks" the midwife said I was one of.the politest labouring mums ever.

However. That doesnt mean I think less of mums who DID have pain relief, I'm no better than them. When I.see women yelling screaming and swearing on obem I think 'fuck yea, it did hurt!'

I had both my dc naturally. 1st was 4 hrs, water birth, little bit of gas and air. 2nd was 3 hours, no pain relief at all. Only reason I didn't have pain relief with dd2 was that no midwife was available.

But to be fair, they were both painful and terrifying experiences. I didn't feel brave or hardcore, I just wanted to get the baby out so the pain would stop. I had it easy though. It's the people who go through gruelling long labours and end up having all kinds of interventions that I feel sorry for. It's so hard to feel in control when in labour, we all just get through it however we can, there is no right or wrong way of doing it.

I am in 2 minds about this. My first child was meant to be a water birth - ended up pooping her out on the floor in agony with a 4th degree tear... Afterwards wit all the stitches and blood loss and pain I did feel I deserved a medal. Because I endured pain I had never imagined for 36 hours and didn't have any drugs. I then had 2 c sections and all the drugs and didn't feel like I had achieved anything. Although I did end up with a lot of pain after nerve damage with the second.

So I don't know - it would be unreasonable to judge any woman on the amount of drugs or the way they went about childbirth - but why can't I be proud of doing it once drug free? It was a massive feat of endurance for me and not to be allowed to consider it an achievement is unfair.

It is pretty shit that when you have a fast-ish labour and little pain relief, people assume you had an easy birth. Nope, my fast pushing stage gave me a tear that still hasn't fully healed 7 weeks later, it was absolute fucking agony (and trust me, I tell anyone who asks 'did it hurt?' the absolute truth ), and aside from G&A, the only drugs I had - which I assumed would get rid of the pain - made the pain worse, they just let me sleep in between contractions every now and then.

The long and short of it is that my coping strategies - doing everything in my power not to scream (so as to avoid wasting energy), dancing through contractions (don't ask), singing along to music and focusing very, very hard on my breathing towards the end - worked for me. I'm lucky in that respect. Other women could try the exact same strategies and it not work for them - nothing to do with pain thresholds; we're all different and what works for one might not work for another, and it might not work enough. Although similarly I don't think it's fair to assume that all women who had an epidural were in more pain than me and others who didn't have an epidural... it's all about strategies that work. For some people, an epidural IS one of those strategies, and they shouldn't be looked down on. For others, it isn't, and they shouldn't be told they had an easy labour - I felt like my insides were on fire and my legs were about to drop off.

People say things like that allllllll the time. I don't let it bother me. I had one medicalised birth and one not. I don't deserve a medal but I do talk about it people ask!

Don't let it bother you. Your baby won't give a shit when it's born, and neither should you. And this is the same advice I gave to a cousin who was really upset she had to have an emergency section when baby was transverse and wouldn't turn.

YANBU. There is nothing wrong in choosing to have as little pain as possible!

Totally agree with whomever said that birth plans were completely pointless. I was going to have a water birth, but ended up with an emcs, as ds was breech and had pooed his waters.

It does make me wonder, though, whether I would have bonded with him differently, had everything been normal and I'd given birth vaginally (had horrible PND). Oh well..

I couldn't give a shiny shite how anyone gives birth tbh - we all do a fab job no matter how our babies enter the world.
I give the same 'congrats and well done' to friends/family without knowing if they had drugs or not or whether it was a vag birth or C section.

I've never been praised for going without pain relief with ds2 (not by choice) and ds3 (by choice) I have been called a crazy bitch for it though :)

I agree. It genuinely upsets me when people lavish praise on those who managed without help because by implication and ommission they are saying that I didn't do well enough. It isn't a competition, it's not a race, it is the taking part that matters not the winning.

This discussion goes on and on and on and on and on and on.

WOMEN AND BABIES USED TO DIE

WOMEN AND BABIES STILL DIE

Medically assisted births SAVE LIVES

Simple.

It isn't a badge of honour to have a natural birth, it is just lucky.

All we can do as women who are having children is this. Take care of our bodies and growing babies as best we can with the resources we have, do our best to prepare ourselves, communicate well with the people around us who are there to help us, have a plan for what we want but be willing to accept that this might need to change according to what is happening.

And all of those things are dependant on our health to start with, the resources we have to be able to prepare, the midwifery and family around us being able and willing to support us as we need them too and for them to be committed to understanding our wishes and birth plan, even if it can't be exactly as we want.

There are so many variables.

We are sold bullshit about childbirth. Whiles we are out buying buggies, sitting in our Antenatal classes, picking out pastel baby grows getting big and glowing everything is all painted as a lovely picture. When we are a straining, exhausted, with matted hair, sweaty, in agony with practically no control over our own bodies we are really having a baby! It fucking hurts, it is scary, it is a journey, a long, arduous journey. Add all the medical people, equipment, blood. Any women who has endured a difficult birth should be proud, totally proud. It doesn't matter. I am very proud of my labour and birth, i had the drugs, the ventose, the wires all over me…

Natural Childbirth advocates, the militant ones always make me feel a little bit smug because they obviously haven't had the same experiences I feel hugey empowered by my birth experience. I hope you will too, however it takes shape.