Childbirth pain -is it just me this annoys?

[lbsjob87]

I'm 35 weeks with my second. Number 1 was 5yrs ago, and after a 28-hour labour, with her back-to-back and eventually with shoulder dystosia, ended in an emergency CS. Stressful, painful and not easily forgettable (which partly explains the 5yr gap!)
This time, I am taking it as it comes, at the moment I'm aiming for VBaC but the baby's breech at the mo, so what will be will be, if I need another CS, I'll have one.
My possibly totally unreasonable gripe is this. I get REALLY hacked off when women have babies with just gas and air, or not even that, and people say "Oh, she did ever so well, bless her."
One relative gave birth on just two paracetamol and seven years later it still gets referred to like she won an Olympic medal or something.
It's not the women themselves I am cross at, but the people who say it and suggest (in my head) that those of us who do go down the epidural/spinal route somehow don't "do well" and aren't as deserving of their praise.
I'm surrounded by pregnant people/new mothers at the moment but every time I hear it, I think "Fuck off, maybe she just naturally has a high pain threshold, or had an easier time of it. It doesn't make her bloody Superwoman."
My own mother says it and she's a retired midwife!
AIBU to think this? I admit it does make me far crosser than it actually should. It's probably hormones, but is it just me?

Rallytog1, sorry about that. I too had lots of ongoing issues due to surgery complications, to the extent that I only found out a VBac was even viable at 32 weeks, and it's still only 50/50 at best. I find out in 10days if it's still an option.
But I have avoided mentioning that after getting three separate "Oh, you still might go for the easy option then?"
No, the easy option is to actively choose never to have kids in the first place....
And relax;)

I had my first with two paracetamol but it was more recent than seven years so I know you're not talking about me :)

I wasn't a martyr, not at all. I had every intention of having pain relief when the pain got bad enough to warrant it - the pain never got that bad though.

My second birth, a much more painful induction, I had gas and air but like silver feared vomiting much more than the pain (was sick on the g&a anyway though as it turned out). It was a quick birth so not too bad.

The midwife for my first hugely congratulated me for having no pain relief. It was nice to be made ,a fuss of but I didn't feel I'd earned it - I didn't feel that taking drugs would have lessened my achievement at all. She asked me if my friends and family were all impressed but I felt awkward 'advertising' my experience - I didn't want to come across as bragging for not needing pain relief when it was simply a matter of luck that I had an easy time.

Second birth, the mw obviously thought I was being a martyr and she really encouraged an epidural. I tried to explain why I didn't want one but she told me I wouldn't get a medal for going without.

I am proud of both my births. The second one was supposed to be a lovely home birth but was a hospital induction instead but I don't care or feel like I failed at that one. Birth is unpredictable and every woman should handle it the way she wants - there is nothing weak about wanting pain relief, it can be an eminently sensible decision - as can the decision not to have any. Both should be respected.

Rally ....awful ....some people are so ridiculously stupid.

It's less likely to bother you when your children get older, I've had 4 sections and couldn't care less if others popped them out easily or not

Completely agree with OP, is bloody irritating!!

Yanbu!
I had two traumatic births, after lengthy labours, and nobody ever says 'wow, you were so brave, you did so well', yet it is often said to those who have 45 minute breath them out labours.

I still had two healthy (and IMO utterly gorgeous!) babies, and suffered more and more long lasting trauma than many, but I always get commiserations rather than adoration, it's weird!

I still get annoyed by the self congratulatory posts on fb from friends who had home births, and like to tell the whole bloody world how marvellous they are, and how crazy some women are to go into hospital when they could just give birth in the living room in half an hour then go back to bed. Ffs. I don't post shit like that about how easy breastfeeding is for me, because guess what? My experience is mine, and mine alone, and me bleating on about how marvellous I am will not convert anybody else to my cause, and may just alienate them. So I keep my gob shut, and do local support instead.

Sorry, tangential rant there...

I totally agree with you OP.

I had the most horrendous first birth (won't go into details). I struggled with the birth memories for a long time.

The worst comment ever was a round robin text birth announcement (about 6 months after my birth) from my friends dh announcing

"DW has given birth to our ds using just a whiff of gas and air. Now that's what a call an amazing woman!"

I remember sitting on the kitchen floor and wailing onto my bemused dh. I'm totally over it now, but it still hear stupid comments.

I found some of the women I went to the NCT classes with the worst. We were all first-time-mums-to-be, we were all nervous. I view a problem-free birth a bit of a lottery. 2 women went on, and on, about drugs bad, epidurals bad, how they were going to do hypnobirthing, and had ordered a variety of essential oils to create the right atmosphere.

I am terrified of the thought of epidurals and even though I was in agony during birth, I clung onto gas and air and got through it. I felt a huge sense of achievement.

My friend from NCT who is thankfully nice and normal had an emergency CS, and actually ended up having another one as well. She had a horrific time of it. She did do well because she had to endure so much.

The women who were preaching at the rest of us, both had epidurals, I found them to be massive hypocrites, and I do judge them. If you are going to talk the talk, you better walk the walk!

Everything about parenting in the first five years seems to be a competition. Who had the best/worst birth, how you fed your baby, who has the most/least sleep, who's going through the worst amount of teething blah blah blah. Not suggesting you, OP, but society in general.

I had an emcs and stupidly missed out on the pain relief drugs most times because I was down in scbu with ds.

I thought I was dying on the second night and was clinging to the wall coming back from the loo but I'm an idiot and just assumed that pain is expected after having a baby (and I'm the type who thinks asking nurses for something is bothering them)

My mum often says 'bob was lucky - she had a little op so none of the pain of real childbirth'

I get stabby about it (she's lovely normally) still 2 yyears later

Nothing wrong with any woman being congratulated on giving birth but you are right, there are value judgements placed on how you did it and that hurts. My brother crowed about sil's natural labours and told me it was all mindset and determination not to give in. I was recovering from a crash cs and had ptsd the first time he did this. My mother had two sneeze births and actively disparages any woman who makes a noise or has intervention. My cousin's recent birth announcement read "I am SO glad I gave my baby the birth all babies deserve. No drugged up start to life for my boy and a birth story I can relate with pride". In her comments she then explains about how it's all mindset and you just have to be strong for your baby and not give in to intervention.

I can't tell you the tears I've cried over how these people see me.

I had two very easy births-no pain relief with first, gas & air with second.

I just think that I was lucky tbh-it wasn't a conscious choice for the sake of the baby on my part, just the way it happened.

The thought of an epidural terrifies me-I can't help but think that women must be in hell of a lot of pain to choose that.

As for choosing a CS!!

I'm in awe of women doing that.

Actually, that's true too. Nobody has ever said well done to me. I have had a 31hr labour with 8hr second stage, ventouse and manual rotation, crash cs and a 38hr labour with emcs. My whole family winced and didn't want to hear it. Never did my mum say to anybody 'oh wild did so well'. Too busy crowing about how in her day you didn't need all this intervention.

I had a horrific first birth, very very long and ended up with an epidural and had lots of comments that made me feel like a failure. But second was quick, easy and just gas and air. Nothing to do with me, everything to do with position of the baby and quality of midwife care I had. I've come to appreciate that the intervention I had with dd1 might not have been what I'd have chosen, but I suspect that in times gone by neither of us would have made it. So now I just feel grateful. (Will admit that second birth felt quite healing though!)

I know what you mean but try it from the other end - I gave birth to DS 5 years ago with no pain relief, no paracetamol, no gas and air. (Not bragging) I would have LOVED to have had something but the midwife told me it was too late.

Ever since then all I have had is people saying how my baby 'fell out' etc bcoz of the quick labour. Doesn't sound that bad but they all assume because I had a 5 hour labour it didn't hurt but actually what I got was a very sudden labour that I wasn't edged into or prepared for and pain with no relief was horrendous!

I don't think we can ever win!

I think it's natural for women to want to talk through their experiences of giving birth, as it's a major life event and challenging experience for everyone - I'm still on here thinking it all through 10 yrs + later

But of course it would be best if stories were told and heard with real respect for everyone's individual experience, acknowledging that we're all different and each birth will be unique with a different pathway depending on many factors outside anyone's control, as well as the different decisions made for individual reasons along the way.

As someone said upthread every birth is an everyday miracle to be celebrated however anyone came into the world.

Bob my mum said same when I had section and and was wincing a bit day after , well at least you didnt have to go through labour! she's usually lovely too! but really didnt get it, next time I had forceps , well at least you had help getting her out! I still remember this years later so will be careful what I say if daughters ever go through chilbirth. I believe it is as said earlier mysoginistic attitudes that encourage woman to think they must go through pain after two traumatic births, I didnt chose to have the section, I'll tell them epidurals are the way to go.

i did it without pain relief the two last times because after having all the drugs under the sun for the first one,i wanted a home birth, so pain relief is limited, and i really dont get on with gas & air.
I felt pretty good about it after but it was incredibly painful. I just wanted to do it though and wanting more pain relief would have meant transferring to hospital (i did scream for this at one point, but was nearly crowning by then)
I am impressed with people who do it naturally as i know what an ordeal it is. Im sure the whole world doesnt need me to be individually impressed with their individual experiences though.
Im also impressed with people who run marathons etc, doesnt mean im unimpressed completely with those who dont. You still get your baby which is what its about

No YANBU at all. It really pisses me off and I did give birth on G&A the first time and on 2 paracetamol the second. You don't get a shiny big medal for giving birth without painrelief, your prize is having a healthy, safe newborn.

Mine weren't martyrdom either, for health reasons I can't have a variety of pain relief and with dc2 I was even reacting to the g&bloodya, so it was either that or an epidural and there was no chance I was going to get one of those, the hospital was so rammed they were turning women away.

Your first birth sounds very long and painful, have you ever spoken to the birth trauma association or had a debrief with your mw?

I think you need to get into the mindset that I have : Pregnancy and birth are a means to an end. However it happens, I hope everybody involved is happy and healthy and if they aren't I hope they get the support they need.

It can be the most wonderful experience of your life or utter misery - I don't think there's any point in running other women down for their choice or lack of choice in a biological process.

diddl I feel exactly the same on all counts - and had the same as you: nothing with first, gas and air with second. I told my husband he'd know that the pain must be horrific if I requested an epidural because I was so scared of them.

With birth and breastfeeding it would be nice to have a balance whereby women could recount easy and enjoyable experiences without coming across as smug and judgemental and also relate difficult experiences without feeling a sense of failure. Also, some people seem to enjoy frightening pregnant women with horror stories and I always want to describe my births for reassurance. Basically, it would be nice if everyone could be supportive rather than comparing and competing!

Yanbu. I've had two very manageable births and feel bemused when people congratulate me on this. I'm fortunate that my body doesn't really do painful contractions, that's all. I know people are just trying to make encouraging chit chat but it's daft. You wouldn't congratulate someone on being an 'amazing woman' for not having painful periods, so why is birth different!

I really wish there was some acknowledgement that labor pain varies from non-existent to agonising. I'm tired of hearing woman insist it is awful or insist it isn't for everyone.

I don't even think it's a complicated issue but sadly one surrounded by ignorance, unkindness and a wish to put other women down, usually by other women. What strikes me is that why does anyone other than a woman's partner need to know what pain relief they had in labour?

The other big thing of course is that times have moved on and there have been significant clinical developments to support women in labour and help them deliver babies safely. Why take risks unnecessarily and why suffer pain unnecessarily? Was the man who had his leg cut off with the help of a bottle of whisky extraordinarily brave and manly? Of course he wasn't, he was an unfortunate helpless piece of humanity. No need for that sort of brutality now.

Now what else, oh yes, having a baby and breastfeeding are teeny tiny parts of being a mother and certainly not the parts children remember. My SILs went to live on the other side of the world as soon as they were able and have visited their mum - ooh let's see five times and three times in the last 27 years. That's not because their mum pushed them out in the back bedroom with no pain relief and fed them for a year each. It's because she's a mean, unloving cow. Mean enough when I was pg (with my 5th baby) having lost a little boy at 27 weeks she said "it's was such a relief that SIL1 could perform".

A good mother is remembered for love and yelling from the touch line and always being there even when their offspring call at 2am in the morning because their girlfriend has dumped them.

Finally OP and no-one has mentioned this but I had a back to back labour with my first. It was horrendous and I cannot begin to describe the pain. Mine didn't end up with a section but nevertheless it was a very stressful and painful birth and the epidural was my saviour and nobody who hasn't been through that sort of labour has any right whatsoever to dictate what another woman should do. I didn't appreciate how bad it was until I had dd who presented normally (eventually - she was breach until 38 weeks in spite of two failed ECVs and turned the weekend before a planned section that I was pleased to be having). Anyway she turned and I didn't have the section. A normal labour was incomparable to the posterior back to back one - I still had an epidural though but a mobile one. It was all much calmer, more controlled, easier.

Good luck - don't let the bastards get you down!

I had no pain relief in my second labour simply because there wasn't time. It was an easy labour but it didn't stop me taking the drugs with labour three. I wouldn't have an epidural personally but only because they scare me!

You don't get a medal for going without pain relief, if your suffering take the drugs on offer.

I agree that there is a an admiration for 'natural' labour and too much of a competition about it. I think people like to validate their own choices by congratulating people who chose the same as them and belittling those who did things differently.

Surely it's the fault of the people who don't congratulate, rather than the mums who had drug-free or "natural" births? (Obviously excepting the ones who post wankish Facebook statuses about giving their baby the birth it deserves).

I had a rough birth with paracetamol, G&A and diamorphine to help me sleep (I thought it was pain relief but it really wasn't!). Some people said well done to me, which was nice and a bit of a confidence boost after having my foof ripped in all different directions (you know it's bad when a doctor takes a look as he's about to start stitching and goes "Ooh, well this is a bit of a mess" ).

Some people, though, assume that because I had a 3hr active labour and 9 minutes of pushing, that it was easy. What they don't realise is that my waters were broken 4 hours before I got into active labour, I had every method of induction going for three days of latent labour before they finally put me on the drip which got me going (early induction), and the 9 minutes of pushing is why I tore so badly!

I didn't have an epidural because a) I naively believed that diamorphine was a painkiller (it may be for some but oh my god it wasn't for me), b) the thought of a tube in my back freaked me out (I still reckon the ones who have epidural are far braver than me; regardless of how much pain relief I had during labour, they were brave enough to have a tube in their back whereas I couldn't face it )... oh and also I'm a bit of a sadist and wanted to see how far I could get on each ascending level of painkillers