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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

253 replies

Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 14:58

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
deakymom · 29/05/2014 20:57

why shouldn't the op just pay for her own child i don't see his ex wife paying for her ex husbands new family he has had the children he can pay for them really throwing a baby fit and liquidating the company would make me dig my heels in more as far as i can read the 18 year old has not even been offered a place so why are you even having the discussion?

CrotchMaven · 29/05/2014 20:58

I'm not advocating any LTB scenario here (although I might have cause for concern). I just think you need all the facts.

Joysmum · 29/05/2014 21:07

I've gone from being an only child to 1 of 5.

My dad got married and when they married our families fully emalgamated as a result. My dad bough more finances to the marriage but their responsibilities are to all 5 of us and I'd respect my dad far less if he thought otherwise.

DaVinciNight · 29/05/2014 21:10

Bear I agree with you. You can't have joint finances and talk about 'my' money and 'his' money.
Just as it can't be unfair that 'she' has more savings than 'he' has.
Or that they would be paying the fees with 'her' money rather than 'his' £32k.

It's all the same money jointly own by both persons in the couple!

The issue here isn't where the money is coming from 'his' or 'her' savings. The issue is whether it is appropriate to pay for the uni fees, whether they are planning to do the same for their own dd (and how they will ensure that) and most importantly that they are taking a decision together about the finances of the whole family.

It is a hard one because the decision is her DH decision and his ex or rather his as the mum won't be able to participate. But by default they will both be paying as it be done with the money of the family.

The thing about the business is HmmConfused. How on earth can he earn 3x more with a new company? And if he does, why didn't he do it a long tome ago? I mean he is a financial guy, he should know that and want to do it asap no? I can't see the link between that and the fees apart from the fact it's suppose to be an attack to the OP or a way to prepare his way out ie no business together anymore so the separation would be easier and cleaner.

wheresthebeach · 29/05/2014 21:10

Hi - Just to wade in as a step mum. He is being unreasonable. You should not be pushed into this at all. She is not your child, not your responsibility. Threatening the business if he doesn't get his way is just nasty and manipulative.

Stay calm and stay clear about what you are, and aren't prepared to do.

brdgrl · 29/05/2014 21:11

You are a parent. Step or otherwise. You can't pick and choose who you help financially.
Yes, yes, you actually can pick and choose what relatives you help financially and should do just that. Want to pay for your MIL to go on holiday out of your own savings? That's very kind of you! But there is no reason why you should feel obliged to do so. ANyone who puts pressure on you to do so is a jackass.

OP is not a parent to the DSD. She is a parent to her own child; she is a stepparent to her DD, who has two other parents who WERE actually legally and morally responsible for their own child. (In point of fact, they are no longer legally responsible themselves, given that we are talking about an adult - which is a whole other issue. And most of the objections to student loans are based on a complete misunderstanding of the nature of the assistance available to students!)

People are completely misinformed if they think that the OP has any obligation to support her stepchildren. She does not. Most stepmums choose to support their stepchildren - whether financially or practically or emotionally - but this is a choice. And it is never one they should make at the cost of their own child, who after all is reliant on them. Many of us do that too, and it is a terrible mistake.

If OP is expected to contribute to her DSD's university fees, is her DP's ex expected to contribute to OP's child's university fees? Because that makes just as much sense.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 29/05/2014 21:19

Sounds to me as though the fundsmnetsl problem is that you and your H are not working as a team, OP.
That's not to say you should do what he wants. But clearly you need some kind of effort on both sides to start thinking about us and not I.
I have to say, his unwillingness to be open about finances and split living costs equally sounds like the first thing that snowballed into the current situation you find yourselves in. I can understand not wanting a joint account but you do need some kind of way of apportioning bills fairly.
And if you are married, concepts of mine and yours are legally blurred as I understand it. Not sure how your current situation would pan out if you divorced in terms of who got what. Might be worth seeking legal advice on this point.

AKeyFox · 29/05/2014 21:21

His argument is that our daughter will use her ct fund for uni.

Bizarre. He just sounds like he's trying to sponge off you.

Just put Nomama on a loop, give nothing and get on with your life.

wheresthelight · 29/05/2014 21:25

Listen to brdgrl she is a great source of info and support on the step parenting thread!!

And I agree with her post which I also posted similar earlier on thread

StandsOnGoldenSands · 29/05/2014 21:33

Whoops, apols, fundamental I meant ! Phone keyboard ....

EverythingCounts · 29/05/2014 21:37

This gets more and more complicated to follow, but am I understanding the latest post right - that he has 32K of his own savings, enough to pay his daughter's fees in full - not that that makes any financial sense as pp have said - but he still thinks he should get some of yours to use to pay the fees? Seriously?

43percentburnt · 29/05/2014 21:39

Sorry have joined really late but on page one someone said student loans are not taken into account for mortgages. This is not true. They are Definately taken into account if the applicant is paying it back with 99% if not 100% of lenders. Also I have read that student loan debt may be put on your credit file. If this happens some lenders will Definately take it into account when looking at overall indebtedness.

EffectiveCommunication · 29/05/2014 21:41

YABU, you took on a Man with children, who are half siblings to your child. He has contributed to your business as you describe.

You are happy to pay educaiton fee's for one of his children and not another, he can't treat his children differently.

wheresthelight · 29/05/2014 21:44

HE can't treat his kids differently but only one of the kids is the op's and that is the only child she is financially responsible for. And I say that as a mum to dd and stepmum to dss and dsd

43percentburnt · 29/05/2014 21:50

Have now read more, why pay the fees upfront. I had lots of friends at uni whose parents gave them money every week most on the proviso they did not take out any credit cards or loans. They took mum and dad's money plus credit cards and loans and bought lots of alcohol and pot. Several never graduated.

Why not suggest he saves money over the next three years, whilst she studies? Then if she achieves her degree he gives her the money as a house deposit. He could save the money from his wages instead of using savings. If she never has a high salary the money goes to something useful. She won't realise that daddy's giving her money as if he's sensible he won't tell her. So it may encourage her to spend less as it's her money. (Well her debt!).

LtEveDallas · 29/05/2014 21:51

You are happy to pay educaiton fee's for one of his children and not another, he can't treat his children differently

What are you talking about EffectiveCommunication? I think maybe you have misunderstood.

ImperialBlether · 29/05/2014 21:59

I think she means the OP is happy to pay school fees for her own DD but not for his DD. Which isn't the case, as the OP's already said her SD had a private education, paid for by her dad, and that she, the OP, doesn't intend to pay for her own daughter's university education.

LtEveDallas · 29/05/2014 22:14

Ahh, not very effective communication there then Grin

Zamboni · 29/05/2014 22:16

OP I am a step mum as well as a mum. YANBU.

I will not be contributing my money to DSD's education, although I intend to support my DCs financially if I am able to. DSD has a mum and a dad to support her. My DC have a mum and a dad to support them. It is regrettable that due to my earnings compared with DSD's DM's earnings, my DC may have opportunities DSD doesn't have. However, that is part of life - things aren't always fair. DSD's support from her parents will be no different to what it would have been had her parents remained together.

Georgina1975 · 29/05/2014 22:21

Of course kids get treatedly differently. Me and my brother did on the basis of parents financial position at any given time. Our DC will also have a far less affluent upbringing than her (considerably older) half-siblings. Fair does not mean "the same".

I agree that fees should not be paid up-front. I think it makes more sense to contribute to living costs and (if money allows) pay off higher interest debt at the end of the study period (e.g that whacking great overdraft when it stops being interest free).

In our situation mum, dad and each (of 3) DC decided what DC needed each month to live on. Mum and dad agreed a contribution based on that need and what each household could afford. It was also expected that DC should contribute too - sometimes that was a paid job in holidays and sometimes it was doing work for us (cutting grass etc).

In our case it was really just a re-direction of CS from mum to DC so it was no real reduction to our household finances.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/05/2014 22:40

The op pays more of the household expenses than the DH does.

happymummy how does that fit in with your women sponging off man theory

Original poster
Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 22:48

Thank you all. This is so helpful.
Zamboni, you nailed my feelings. She has mum and dad and my emotional support. Our daughter has her mum and dad and that's it.
We always made a point of making sd welcome, gave her the largest room in the house, endless lifts to various rehearsals and she has bigger wardrobe than Imelda Marcos.
She still goes on holidays with us, although she may not want to any more (too embarrassing to go on holiday with parents)....
I love her and obviously I want the best for her, but I can not help feeling that paying for uni is the solution.
I like the solution that she should take all the loans out and I should help her repay some of it back, through small monthly payments, once she gets the job and starts paying it back herself.

This will encourage the positive attitude towards the money and teach her few life lessons. For you who joined late in the discussions, sd spends faster than she earns and doesn't budget.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 29/05/2014 23:10

Mummy1106 sounds like a plan..hope it all works out.

Even though I don't see why at this early stage you are already planning to help SD repay student loan. Sounds to me as if this girl hasn't been allowed to stand on her own 2 feet and based on this, she has high expectations of being financially supported. Can't blame her really. When she is working she can repay her own student loan, the repayments are low tbh. What are you going to say when you're repaying her loan & she's blowing her money out elsewhere? Perhaps you & DH need to work something out regarding teaching her financial responsibility, or she will flounder and you'll be forever picking up the pieces

MuttonCadet · 29/05/2014 23:23

I think effective communication needs to change her name - this is becoming a habit (certainly on stepmum threads).

merrymouse · 29/05/2014 23:38

You are a couple with a family, therefore even if he pays for university fees out of 'his' savings, the total amount of money available for your other children will decrease. The question here is not who the money belongs to, but how you jointly plan to spend your money on your family in the future, and, as others have said, why on earth would you pay the fees in the first place?

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