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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

253 replies

Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 14:58

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DontPutMeDownForCardio · 29/05/2014 18:30

Why do you have to pay for her uni fees at all!? This is what I don't bloody get! She's an ADULT! If she wants to go to uni she should pay for it herself and id say the same if it was ops bio daughter. What point is a parent no longer financially responsible for their adult offspring?

Takingthemickey · 29/05/2014 18:33

If these were a man the advice would be different. I could not be with a man who would provide a lifestyle for kids we have together and is begrudging to kids I have not of the marriage.

The damage that causes is seen in so many threads here. On the other hand I understand people's self interest in prioritising their own children. If you are of this mindset please don't blend families.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 29/05/2014 18:33

I'd also love to know where people are getting that the op resents her step children.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 29/05/2014 18:46

It always amazes me that people dont think ahead and discuss future finances when creating a family where children already exist.

Sneezecakesmum · 29/05/2014 18:52

OP may not resent her SD but won't contribute to her wish for a university education but pays for a private one for her own child.

Hmm very democratic

SarahAndFuck · 29/05/2014 18:57

The SD had a private education as well Sneezecake and the OP isn't planning to fund her own DD's uni fees with her savings either.

So yes, very democratic, as both girls are being treated exactly the same.

Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 19:00

i'd also love to know where people are getting that the OP resents her stepchildren

Maybe from things like this-

i give her a lot of my time and enormous amount of patience.
I don't want to give her half of my savings as well

The OP pays for private school and a trust fund for her daughter from her salary, she can only do this because her husband pays the household bills.

The OP seems to see all money as hers when it suits her but not when it doesn't.

She might not want to support her step daughter but her husband has every right to want to. The OP seems to see all his saved money as hers too therefore she is supporting the SD by default but how else can it possibly be? Their income comes from a jointly owned company. He doesn't have any income that just belongs to him and can just be used for his children.

Original poster
Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 19:01

We are married, house deeds are in joint names and we are both responsible for repaying what we owe. I feel that everyone should be responsible for their own debts, so is the stepdaughter. After all I repaid my student loan.
Sarahandfuck, thank you for summarising my financial situation.
My fear is that something may happen to one of us, then where will we be? We are responsible for £191k mortgage. I want to bring that down to £150k in two years time.
Please don't tell me off for having a cleaner, after getting up at 5am to deal with everything and going to bed at 10.30, I have no energy to pick up the duster, Hoover and the mop.
Gardener only comes once a year, and that's for dealing with large things I can not do (chopping dead branches and cutting up the big stuff. I do the gardening the rest of the time.
Just to mention, that every time sd babysits, she gets paid. She also was given trust fund by her nan when she reached 18, and she blew it. She is going traveling to Thailand in July but has no money...? She is frivolous whilst I am saving. Why should now I have to pay.
It's like they are all having a big party to which I am not invited and then I have to clean up after. That sucks.

OP posts:
Sneezecakesmum · 29/05/2014 19:01

Easy to say now and I'll bet when the time comes OP will find the money to put towards the fees plus student loans. Bit ingenuous tbh

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/05/2014 19:02

Bear, I read all those things too and didn't get 'resentment' from them.

Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 19:04

It's like they are all having a big party to which I am not invited and then I have to clean up after. That sucks.

No sign of resentment there then? Hmm

summerflower · 29/05/2014 19:04

I am confused, so his ex has been bringing up five children, three of your DH's and two from a subsequent relationship. Has she had more or less full time residency, thus freeing up your DH time to build this business with you? I mean, unless the residency was 50/50, your business has been built on her doing the majority of the care.

Not that I am asking you to put the details up, but how much time has your dh put into the business based on the fact that he did not have the dc to care for? It is kind of an acknowledged fact that women with dc earn less.

I disagree with the threat to liquidate the business, yes, but I do see why he might think you have an obligation to help.

Secondly, someone has already raised the point about wills. How fair and equitable are these?

FWIW, I think the ethics and practicalities of finances in a blended family are a minefield. But I would suggest to reflect on how much you have gained financially from his time, and that his exW will have lost financially over her career by being the main carer. I am betting the 75% of everything is quite little compared to the sums you have since made.

Sneezecakesmum · 29/05/2014 19:07

Very resentful and selfish to boot.

SoonToBeSix · 29/05/2014 19:08

Yes yabu all money should be equal in a marriage and he is perfectly entitled to spend some of your joint money on his daughter.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 29/05/2014 19:09

well, yes... now I do see 'resentment' there! Grin

SallyMcgally · 29/05/2014 19:09

Sounds to me like she resents DH there more than DSD. And why the hell should she give her DSD half her savings? I'd be a bit annoyed if someone told me to hand over my savings. Step parenting can be a bloody thankless task, and it's the one area where you can guarantee that the wrath of Mumsnet will come down on your head.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/05/2014 19:09

The OP hasn't said she won't be funding her DD through uni, just that they may have a lower income at that point.

"The OP pays for private school and a trust fund for her daughter from her salary, she can only do this because her husband pays the household bills.

The OP seems to see all money as hers when it suits her but not when it doesn't.

She might not want to support her step daughter but her husband has every right to want to. The OP seems to see all his saved money as hers too therefore she is supporting the SD by default but how else can it possibly be? Their income comes from a jointly owned company. He doesn't have any income that just belongs to him and can just be used for his children"

Well said Bear, very well summed up. He pays for everything, brings in most of the income and yet he's the bad guy.

Binkyresurrected · 29/05/2014 19:14

He brings more of the income into the business not into the family. The OP has said that they both have an equal salary from the business and equal dividends.

BMW6 · 29/05/2014 19:14

YANBU. Your husband is. His Daughter, his responsibility.

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/05/2014 19:17

I'd be resentful too if my DH was a demanding, threatening fuckwit who expected me to hand over my savings.

Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 19:18

YANBU. Your husband is. His Daughter, his responsibility.

But how the fuck can he support his daughter without using his income which comes from a business jointly owned with the OP- life isn't black and white.

StatisticallyChallenged · 29/05/2014 19:20

HappyMumOfOne from what OP has said, he pays the mortgage costs etc while she pays the school fees and such like because he refuses to have a joint account, so this is their way of splitting their household costs. He doesn't pay for everything - he insisted on private school for their DD!

StatisticallyChallenged · 29/05/2014 19:23

bearbehind he can us his income, i.e. the salary and dividends he takes from the company. He's refused to have a joint account and share finances with the OP, so at the moment they each pay for different things which probably about balance out. OP has chosen to save from her income and dividends. He's chosen not to save from his, but now that it suits him he wants her savings.

riverboat1 · 29/05/2014 19:23

OP said she didn't even particularly want her own child to go to private school, it was her DH who insisted.

It seems to me from what has been said that the DH is operating as if he has control over all the money. He decides who pays for what, he vetoes having a joint bank account, he vetoes taking a larger salary from the business because it's not convenient for him tax wise, he insists that the OP pays £13,000 (at an estimate) towards his daughter's uni fees.

So OP is not allowed to decide how she spends any of the joint income then? She just has to go along with what her DH wants?

ImperialBlether · 29/05/2014 19:26

Paying her fees is just silly. You've said nothing at all to suggest your SD will go straight into a high flying job.

It would be silly to pay for your own daughter's university fees in the future (if the system is the same) given you have no pension.

There is very little point in the future if some members of the family are debt free when others have nothing to live on.

OP, I notice you say that you pay your babysitting fees when you can't pick up your child; surely he should pay towards that? I'm very uneasy about you not contributing to the mortgage, to be honest. I think the way the money is split at the moment, he thinks he is paying for the house.

Why don't you have a compromise which is that you will together give his daughter £50 pw for food? She will get a full loan and grant if her mum earns less than £18,000 or so (as far as I recall.) Her mum should be reminded that any tax credits or family allowance will stop abruptly at the end of her A2 exams.

Frankly, though, I don't really like the sound of your husband. He muscled in on your business and yes, he did well, but now he's threatening to close down your business and start up his own in competition?

Can you explain how the business works? Who brings in the clients? If you fired your husband, what would the impact be?

Lastly, I'm really annoyed that people are yelling at you, OP, for having a cleaner etc. Nobody is yelling at your husband for living in a hotel!