Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

253 replies

Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 14:58

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 29/05/2014 19:51

From what I understand:

OP And DH have separate salaries from the business and their own separate savings accounts after they've paid for various bills.

DH has committed his savings to his DD for uni and also wants the OP to give her savings to the tune of 13k to the DD for uni (totalling the 27k, 3yrs of uni fees at 9k per year).

AS others have said, best to point him in the direction of the student loans and if he can stop swanning about in first class, he could contribute 100/week towards living expenses 15.6k over 3 yrs.

LtEveDallas · 29/05/2014 19:52

Ahh, didn't read the title, Bear said OP and I thought I was issuing something Blush

I expect that is the half share that OPs DH wants her to pay (of the overall £27k is 3 years) - just a grand out. My kind of maths Grin

SwedishEdith · 29/05/2014 19:52

Well quite Binky Can't believe the stick the OP is getting tbh

HerRoyalNotness · 29/05/2014 19:53

bearbehind

right here

Mummy1106 Thu 29-May-14 17:59:11
Davincinight, he said he will start his own company

LtEveDallas · 29/05/2014 19:53

*missing something

Binkyresurrected · 29/05/2014 19:54

Thanks her royal I knew I had seen that starting his own company had been posted somewhere.

eddielizzard · 29/05/2014 19:56

before i read the thread i thought ywbu.

now i think yanbu.

i think i would be happy to contribute if she gets through uni and gets a job. then i'd start helping with repayments. but she has to prove herself first. she doesn't understand the value of money from what you're saying.

and i think your dh is being a bit of a shit. threatening your company is not on. i think it might be best to split ways on the work front and set up a more equal financial strategy. fuck not moving the bills. that is just bullshit.

bochead · 29/05/2014 19:56

Debts you are not yet aware of is something I thought of too, as the outright refusal to pay down the capital on the mortgage is plain odd. It doesn't make good business sense to wind up something profitable with a good rep out of spite.

There will be all sorts of red tape involved in dissolving your company and then does that threaten to leave you unemployed but your husband still in work? If that's the case then providing your own daughter isn't in year 10 or 11 I'd be looking at the state options for her school from September and moving her without further discussion as a first step.

I hate to say it OP, but in your shoes I'd be seeking legal advice. As your husband is often abroad anyway, I wouldn't tell him I was doing any of this until I was 100% sure of where I stood, both in terms of the business and personally.

Original poster
Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 20:01

poster LtEveDallas, riverboat1,
Thank you. I feel that I am being penalised for being a saver.
I agree that I should ring fence my savings. If I was frivolous as his ex and daughter, I wouldn't have any money to argue over. If it was all in the pension, it would be ring fenced, therefore no argument again.
I didn't mention that he has £ 32 k savings but feels it's unfair that my investments (he advised us both on the investments) are marginally larger than his.
The more I am explaining and displaying my life on mn, the more I feel that it is he who is unreasonable. After all, she already has two parents who love and care for her. She is an adult and any support should be voluntary, not forced.
Our daughter is 7 and we have to financially and emotionally support her for next 11 years.
I am 43 and he is 47. I don't plan to pay for our daughters university, so why should I for stepdaughter.
His argument is that our daughter will use her ct fund for uni. Ha, she may end up blowing it just like sd did hers.

If we divorce over this, would he expect his next partner to pay for our daughter? Wander what she would have to say.

Only two children from his previous marriage are his, boy went to the college and is now working. Third child is his ex wife's but he raised her and treats her as his.
Please don't get him wrong, he is a good man and caring, maybe too caring towards her. That's his decision but repaying the mortgage is my decision.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 29/05/2014 20:11

so let me get this right:

your dh earns more than you but saves less and contributes approx £2000 less to household.

you earn less and save more and contribute more.

your dh feels this is unfair and that you should pay as much as he does because you have managed to save more.

he won't be transparent with his finances because he can't be arsed to move bills over.

he threatens to liquidate your business that you started if you won't do what he wants.

doesn't seem very fair to me...

Morgause · 29/05/2014 20:13

Don't allow yourself to be bullied into paying out for a child who is not your responsibility. He and his ex have had plenty of time to save if they want to pay her university costs.

I'm at a loss to understand why some posters seem to think you have an obligation here.

Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 20:14

Thanks her royal I knew I had seen that starting his own company had been posted somewhere.

But where did it say it was in direct competition- it could be doing anything?

HerRoyalNotness · 29/05/2014 20:17

let's assume bear that he will be using his skills in similar field and that would affect the OPs business. we don't really need to know. it's the threat that has been made to wind up the business they have now that is the important part.

Binkyresurrected · 29/05/2014 20:19

An OP is being threatened by her husband because she doesn't want to use her savings to fund his DD and you're nit picking.

Bearbehind · 29/05/2014 20:27

But he has £32k savings and the cost is £27k- it's not at all clear to me that he wants half of her money.

TBH, I think there is so much more of a back story here that it's impossible to say who is BU based on the info given.

There is a really weird my money / his money undercurrent throughout this.

OP said her DH feels it's unfair that 'her' investments are larger than his even though he advised on them- that's just strange.

It sounds to me like a married couple invested money in a variety of ways and some were more profitable than others. The fact that the higher yielding investments were in her name doesn't automatically make them 'hers'

Original poster
Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 20:27

If he starts his own company, he won't be in any direct competition.
I'll be earning as much as I already do and he'll be earning 3 times more. I'll offer to buy out his share and then it's all clean. I guess I need to talk to the accountant. We are both equal shareholders.
It all seems a bit tit for tat.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 29/05/2014 20:32

God it all sounds exhausting.

Original poster
Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 20:40

It is hard work being a stepmom, wife, running business and then get f... Ed up for being a saver.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/05/2014 20:44

Hang on, he has enough in savings to pay for it all now, doesn't he? Why doesn't he do that, then?

QueenofallIsee · 29/05/2014 20:45

Do you know what lying, I don't really care if it annoys you that I used the word bully and I resent the demand that I 'stop it'. I will speak as I damn well find. You will perhaps note that I have NEVER thrown it around willy nilly and only now as I feel the OP is getting an very unfair time of it.

Original poster
Mummy1106 · 29/05/2014 20:48

Thank you

OP posts:
Snog · 29/05/2014 20:52

If your dh flies economy instead of 1st class the savings should cover the fees. SortedWink

wheresthelight · 29/05/2014 20:52

I am completely confused!!!

The bottom line is she is not your daughter so yiu have no obligation to pay anything towards her. If you choose to that is a whole different ball game but she is not your responsibility!

CrotchMaven · 29/05/2014 20:56

Don't just talk to your accountant, talk to your solicitor.

You are not autonomous. You are married. You need to establish what that means in practical terms before you make any decisions. Did you do so when you set up the business?

ImperialBlether · 29/05/2014 20:57

It sounds to me as though he's getting a bit self-important. Many, many businesspeople don't travel first class now as their organisations are cutting costs hugely. You are a small business with a big mortgage on your home and no pension - he should not be spending literally thousands of pounds on this.

Just work it out for us, will you? Compare the price of his next flight and let us know the difference - multiply it by the number of trips per year.