I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

[Mummy1106]

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

So he want to pay some of your hard earned money to pay for his and ex-wifes dd to go to Uni?

He will give her 27K which I am presuming will be as a gift. How will that teach someone who 'spends more than she earns' about budgeting and repaying loans.

Will you get that money back? With a student loan you could be paying a nominal amount per month for years, or as a pp said you may never pay it back if you don't earn a high income or it takes longer than 30 years.

What about his other children? Is he expecting you to pay for dc2?

The way I see it if she wants to go to Uni and is clever enough to get in then she really should get the loan and be responsible for herself. I am not saying send her off and forget about her for 3 years. You could, all 3 of you contribute in some way financially or not.

Paying the fees upfront is only a viable sensible option if you have oddles of money sitting around and you won't miss 27K in the next several years -so not many people.

So OP is not allowed to decide how she spends any of the joint income then? She just has to go along with what her DH wants?

But what's the alternative?

She married a man with 3 children. She can't ban him from spending money on them.

I agree she should be consulted but she can't veto all expenditure on his step children.

What does he intend to do about his other children?

One point OP - do you think that the cost of the household bills and interest-only mortgage that your DH pays, balances out the school fees and child-related expenses that you pay?

If these figures are roughly equal, I think you have an even stronger case for not feeling duty-bound to spend your personal savings according to DH's wishes.

To be honest if you can afford to help out then why wouldn't you? She's family.

Can she maybe take a loan out and you could help out with some of the other costs.

Imperial - I wondered that, but the OP says that the 18 year old in question is the youngest of the three children. So presumably the two others didn't go to uni, or sorted themselves out financially.

I have a DSD aged 18 and a DD aged 10.

I will NOT be funding a Uni place for DSD if she chooses to go. She has 2 parents to do that for her if she doesn't want to do it herself. DH can contribute as little or as much as he wants to, I wouldn't (couldn't) stop him, but I will not contribute.

I have saved an amount from DDs CB since the day she was born. It goes into a trust fund that she will get when she is 21. It will be a significant sum of money.

At the same time that I started saving for DD, I put a similar amount into a fund for DSD to have at 21. It won't be anything like as much as DD gets, because there will be 10 years worth more in DDs than DSDs, but that can't be helped. I have no obligation to do this but I choose to.

People will do doubt say that is unfair, but I don't care. DSD has 2 parents that could have been thinking of her future finances when she was born, if they didn't that isn't my fault. I did think of DDs future finances and that's my call.

OP, tbh I'd call his bluff and see what happens. Sorry this is happening to you. You may be better off alone if that is his attitude.

OP, if you're now older than 35 and you don't have a pension, I really think you are mad paying for private school fees for your own child, even. That money would be far better spent in a pension or in buying a home to let or something, so that you have something when you're older. Are you near to a good state secondary school? If not, I think it would pay to move before she's 11.

I think you need to prioritise repaying the capital on the mortgage as a couple before taking on any optional financial commitments like either child's Uni fees.

If something happened to you tomorrow you would have nothing as effectively with an interest only mortgage you are only renting. It doesn't sound as if your husband has a REALISTIC plan to pay the mortgage off at the end of the term - without one you'll have to move out and give the keys back to the bank. Private rentals require a constant high income - something you won't have in old age if you blindly agree to his plans. Interest rates WILL go up and with it your liabilities & risks if you continue on your current course.

In addition, you should perhaps think about moving your ISA savings into a SIPP (self-invested pension plan) as this would ring fence them for your intended purpose in legal terms too. It would mean you yourself could not access them until you are over a certain age, but it would protect them from being raided for other purposes. I'm no expert but I don't think off the top of my head there are any tax penalties for taking this step.

I just worry that your husband's determination to have a jam today lifestyle is going to result in struggling to afford gruel tomorrow. Life hasn't always been kind to me, so I know I'd react very badly to his threats nowadays. A secure family home benefits BOTH children & yourselves as a couple equally and he's risking that with his self-inflated pompous grandiosity.

Insist on securing your home and your pensions before discussing the Uni fees for your DSD, or your own child. At present it's a moot point as you simply can't afford it.

Happy mummy of one,
In lame terms, I pay 2k more per year towards joint costs than he does. He thinks that's bullshit, so I started keeping receipts of everything.
I did ask to have everything transparent and in joint account (we do have one but no one pays anything into it) and he refused as it is too much hassle to move all the bills.
Let me remind you that it was his idea to send our daughter to private school.
He insists on the cleaner, and I am glad he did, it stops us arguing about cleaning and sharing duties.

DH can contribute as little or as much as he wants to, I wouldn't (couldn't) stop him, but I will not contribute.

But the problem here is that the OP DH has money saved but the OP sees this as half hers as it came from their business. He might be an arse in some respects but he can't win here.

Bearbehind - of course SOME of the joint income has to go on the DSC, but I think OP should be able to have some say over how SOME of it is spent as well. £27k is a huge amount to unilaterally say they should give to the DSD.

Cannot believe the replies you are getting!
I would protect your money very carefully as I would not trust your dh if he thinks it is okay to threaten you.

No-one should have to pay the fees first off apart from your step daughter in the future.
Your step daughter has TWO parents who can pay if they wish.
Your step daughter also had a private education so in no way is your daughter being treated 'specially'

I think you are being more than reasonable!

£27k is a huge amount to unilaterally say they should give to the DSD.

Interesting that it started off at £13k in the OP though

13k is the OP share as I've read it.

Repeatedly on here you see comments towards women about making sure that they have some money to fall back on 'just in case', no marriage is 100% secure.

We have an OP that has done that, she is working, she is contributing to the household financially and what seems to be equal with her husbands contribution, from the remainder of her income she has managed to save some money.

Her DH is now demanding that she hands over her money to finance his DD through Uni or he will cut off her income by dissolving their company and set up his own in direct competition and MNers are saying the OP is unreasonable.

But the problem here is that the OP DH has money saved but the OP sees this as half hers as it came from their business. He might be an arse in some respects but he can't win here

Where do you see that Bearbehind? My understanding is that both OP and DH have savings but DH wants half of OPs savings in addition to his. OP says Maybe I could pay for some of the loan, once she graduates but not 50% and He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel

I've lost track of how much uni fees actually cost these days...and on this thread...

Am wondering how this would be resolved in a 'traditional' family, where one parent thought they should pay the DC's uni fees outright and the other one didn't...

Of course with blended families and DSC things are different and there are different issues at play. But it would be interesting to know what the advice would be on such a thread re: where the compromise should be.

They split their household costs, just not through a joint account.

It just happens to be his account that the mortgage comes from and her account that the school fees come from.

The OP has suggested they pool their salaries in a joint account which both the mortgage and school fees will then be paid from but her DH doesn't want to do this.

It's not some plot she's cooked up to make sure his salary is tied up in the house and hers can all go to her daughter. It could just as easily be her account that the mortgage is paid from and his that covers the school fees.

And she's planning to use her savings to reduce that mortgage by a significant amount, so she's clearly not leaving those expenses solely to him.

Plus, his elder daughter also went to private school, so the younger girl is not benefiting from something the older girl didn't get.

Both the OP and her DH have savings of their own, which they put away from their identical salaries. I can't see where she has said that she has any claim to his savings or rights to decide what he does with them, it's him that has laid claim to hers.

Just so that you are fully armed with the facts, I would invest in some advice from a solicitor and an IFA. Because, being married means that "your" savings are not really yours at all, so you are approaching this from a skewed standpoint. Better to know where you're really at.

This kind of stuff really needs sorting and agreeing and understanding when things are great between a couple, because it gets very messy when things are a bit shaky.

Btw, I agree with a pp who said watch your back. Threats of winding up a company that is jointly owned with your wife and saying you'll set up on your own are pretty big bombs to place in the middle of a marriage.

Bear, where does OP mention £13k

he will cut off her income by dissolving their company and set up his own in direct competition

Where did the OP say he was going to set up his own business in competition - there's reading between the lines and then there's just making things up

So let me just get this straight in my head.

You started a company. Your dh invested 4 times the capital into the company, making him co owner where you have equal share of the company, and get equal salary and equal dividends.
He has savings, and saves money. You have saved money. You have spent 2k per year more on household cost than he has. He wants your savings to pay for his older daughters university.
If you dont comply, he will liquidate the company.

What is he planning to use his savings on?

What are the legal repercussions, I mean, in terms of any clients, etc, if you liquidate? Will it ruin your reputation in business?

Are there any debts in the company you are not aware of that he is trying to cover up, with this threat of liquidation?

Bear, where does OP mention £13k

Er- in the title of the thread.

LtEve - in the thread title, but I had to read a few times to find it too!

I think there is confusion between 'overall' amounts quoted, vs the OP's 'share', and cost per year vs all-in.