I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

[Mummy1106]

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

It's so the man can beat his chest and roar "I AM THE GREAT PROVIDER!"

You sound a bit precious and a bit like my DH's step mum.

You married him and by doing that created a family, in which his daughter is completely equal to yours. You are a partnership and should pool your resources, that's what marriage is about, partnership.

Whilst I agree you shouldn't pay for fees up front,

You having a trust fund for just your daughter is com

Completely unfair.

I'm married to the DS from a previous marriage . Sounds very similar situation and his step mum used to complain about DH's terminally ill mum and was pissed off that 'their' money was paying for her care home.

Please don't become an evil step mum. Seriously, because you will because this will snowball. Because if anything happens to DH and you and you treat (or are perceived to treat) your DC differently, then you have to consider how this might impact your DD's relationship with her half sister.

I don't think you have any choice but to pool resources in a marriage. How ever much you might theoretically say one person pays for this and another person pays for that, the effect of any expenditure is that the household income is reduced.

The OP has already said she doesn't think she'll be able to pay her DD's university fees, so in fact it's her DD who may end up disadvantaged.
Can't follow situation with regard to your DH always? Your DH's stepmother didn't want to pay for her husband's ex-wife's care home? If that's right, I don't blame her.

I'm glad you're beginning to think clearer OP.

I think mediation will help you tremendously to navigate your path through this.
All stakeholders need to be present, so take your time and arrange it with them to suit a time when all can be there.

Ring fence your savings, and protect your DDs fund.

Your partner's adult children will have to learn to swim without any financial contribution from you- you have your own minor child to bring up, and they have a mother and father to help them.

My feeling is that your DHs children aren't your financial responsibility, and your DH is using his power to threaten you in the business, so he can have access to your savings.
Please stand up to him- your money is not an asset of the business, it's your property, and you can spend it however you wish.
You are not obliged in any way to provide any monies to his adult daughter. She has a mum and a dad to rely on. You have your own child, and your responsibility lies there.

The best thing financially for your DH's adult child would be for her to get a loan herself, if she's going to university, and to take some responsibility for herself.

Get an accredited mediator to help you negotiate and formulate an agreement.

Anyone who doesn't take out a student loan probably doesn't have enough common sense to go to university.

And anyone who expects their parents (and step-parents) to stump up the fees probably isn't independent enough to go.

Maybe if student loans wasn't an option, your DH would have more of a point. But student loans are just common sense; I'm at uni on a tuition fee loan. Everyone I know at uni is there on a tuition fee loan. Why would you pay upfront? It's just daft.

It is treating the children in a family differently if one of them is "entitled" to support from three parents, and one from two parents.

I have two DSC and one DD (the DD is my DH's child too). My DSC have quite a bit of money directed towards them from their mum. Should we take from this and reallocate it amongst the three children, in order that all the children in our family are treated equally?

My DSC's mum was able, partly because of my DH's support during the marriage, to ensure that there is money for them to use towards higher education. I haven't so far been able to do the same for my DD, not because I haven't worked or planned as well as their mum, but in large part because I have been spending what I earn to help support our whole family while the three were all dependent children, so there hasn't been money to save for DD. Should my DD continue to be disadvantaged while I use my earnings to give money to my DSD as an adult? So that DSD ends up with a maintenance grant, a student loan, money from her mum, and money from me, while my DD gets a maintenance grant and a loan? Does that seem "fair"? Stuff and nonsense.

My DH is responsible for three children. I am responsible for one. I have been happy to provide well for my stepchildren but where this begins to create a two-tiered family, it ends. My DSC have already enjoyed many more material things and experiences than my daughter. I'm the primary earner in the family. I will now turn to making sure that my DD has as nice a childhood and as good a start as they had themselves.

I think your DH likes to be seen splashing the cash
On first class flights, fancy restaurants and the fees too (university and private school)
He wants people to think he is mega- rich

Instead of sensibly paying off the mortgage, making provision for old age, etc, he wants to splash it where other people will see it

Car crash waiting to happen, I'm afraid

Thanks, wheres, that's very nice of you. :)

The DH needs to support his two children equally out of his half (according to their age and needs). The op needs to support her only child out of her half. Both children have two parents.

Totally agree with you. My husband and I have 4 children in total but only one 6 year old daughter together. I wouldn't dream of asking him to support my 2 and nor would he ask that of me with his daughter. We're both financially independent and responsible.

As an aside, I noticed you'd said you converted your sole trader to a limited company. Do you know if you did a "goodwill" calculation on conversion? This should have enabled you to draw more cash out of the business tax free - which may (?) Sort this issue out for you both.

*If your mortgage is interest only then your lifestyle looks from the outside as being one of all fur coats and no Knickers. You've been so busy being selfish about your own child being the priority and resenting the step kids that I'm worried you've missed out on seeing the big picture.

Personally I'd prioritise how you intend to achieve some semblance of security for your old age. If you are only paying the interest on your mortgage what mechanism is in place to pay off the capital at the end of the loan term? Illness or accident could hit at any time and if you are BOTH self-employed then I doubt you'd find adequate mortgage protection insurance on an interest only loan nowadays.

Your whole lifestyle seems very luxurious and swanky but scarily precarious to me. It could all disappear in a puff of smoke tomorrow and then you'd be too busy saving yourself to worry about DSD*

Couldn't agree more with this. Pay your mortgage. This is why seemingly well off people have their houses repossessed - they couldn't actually afford them. Don't be that person.

I can understand that someone paying at least £4k more for EACH return flight to SFO can't pay a repayment on a mortgage under £200k? Those figures just don't add up.

I think your SD should get a student loan too, but as mentioned above, if your DH wants to spend the money out of his £32k savings, then he should go right ahead.

Tuition fees are £9000 per year (at most institutions). Maximum maintenance loan is £3600, unless she qualifies for a grant for that, in which case she might get a bit more. As others have said, £3600 will barely cover hall fees.

Regardless of the step issue, or whose money it is, you (or your dh) would be crazy to pay any of that up-front. It's money down the drain.
What you (or he) will need to do, presumably, (although not all parents do - some insist on their kids getting a job to pay for themselves) is to top up the maintenance allowance, which could be anything up to £500 pcm. Depends.

At the very, very most, I suppose your dh could put away the money in a high interest account (if such things exist any more) and help her out with paying it back in monthly instalments when she crosses the earnings threshold. Not sure if even that is excessive, however.

DH and I own a business jointly and have a DD at Uni.

You have approx. 15 years before your interest only mortgage matures You have 191K to pay and you have no pension. You don't say whether he has a pension from his previous employment but I'm guessing he does.

It simply doesn't make sense to be thinking of paying 27K in university fees if you don't have to. (You or him.) It is even more insane to consider paying these upfront.
If he can't see this then he's not such a hotshot businessman.

Pension contributions are tax deductible. They are also deductible for student loan purposes.

See a financial adviser and find a pension scheme for yourself. You should also both take out critical illness insurance to cover this mortgage but reduce it now if you can. (You can see the need to do this but he doesn't.)

I think your family financial arrangements are fatally flawed. If you both take out the same amount in dividends this money should go into a joint account to pay the household bills jointly and reduce debt jointly.

There is a strong case for you taking a higher dividend than him to invest in a pension which would at least equal his. It would probably be more efficient to pay this direct from the company. Talk to your accountant. Surely you have one?

In fact, the more I think about it the more I wonder whether you have an accountant or financial adviser who is up to the mark. Or, let me guess. DH does all that?

It was your husband whom insisted on having the finances organised this way, yet he now complains that you see your money as yours. You started the business and let him into it, yet he thinks his contribution is more valuable (but graciously agrees you can take half for tax reasons). He wants it all ways doesn't he?!

It would appear that there is more to this than merely paying university fees etc. However, just concentrating on the university fees, I am not sure OP you understand how the student loan/ grant is allocated by student Finance.

The OP mentioned that the DSC lives permanently with her DM and that the DM is poor as a church mouse. If this is the case a DCs student loan etc will be based on her income and she will probably be entitled to a non-repayable grant too. Many universities also waive part of student fees for low income families, it just depends on the university attended. So the DSC could be in a very strong financial position, before her DF contributes if he chooses to do so. The Government do not assume that he will.

The OP's DD though in the future will have her student loan etc calculated on her DF and DM's income and she would therefore only be entitled to the minimum loan and no grant. (assuming that the first class air travel signifies a high income.) So OP although you don't think you will be able to support your own DD at university the Government will expect you to.

I think that the current policy of allocation of student loans/grant etc I wrong as it should relate to the incomes of the student's DF and DM regardless of whether they live together, but that is another thread.

I second a previous poster. Ignore the regular flamers who come out for stepmum threads. Lots don't bother to read the thread or even the op and make wild assumptions based on nothing more than their own grinding axe. I'm surprised you haven't had the OW question yet.

Just listen to brdgrl. Always knows what she's on about.

OP - I think part of the problem on this thread was that you created the impression that you were only interested in contributions that broadly agreed with your own view. When these were not always forthcoming you started drip feeding additional information to - in your eyes - further justify or strengthen your position.

Certainly the whole your money, his money and our money issue does need to be resolved.

Something tells me your DH isn't very good with money, and I'm not sure you are either.

Nomama is absolutely right about tuition fees. It would be madness to pay them upfront.

And with mortgages, it's almost always better to pay off a mortgage than to put the money in a savings count, as the interest you pay on a mortgage (however small) is still going to be higher than the interest you gain on a savings account.

Really, all the money coming out of the business needs to be jointly owned and in a joint account. Obviously it's too late to insist on this now but that would have been the sensible arrangement. Your DH could have given some financial support to his DD while she was at university, and that would have been fine.

However, his anger about your refusal to contribute towards tuition fees doesn't bode well, so I think in your shoes I'd be consulting both a lawyer and an independent financial adviser. You need to sort out a pension pronto, apart from anything else.

Yyy Unitarian I agree. Financial advice is essential.
Go and see a mediator as well.

You need to have a negotiated agreement going forward.

Sorry, picking up the aside about mother and father's incomes both counting, given that over half of NRPs don't pay even the minimum maintenance, and the CSA can't sort this out, trying to calculate anything on both incomes would unfairly penalise the child. That is why things are calculated on the household income of the house the child is resident in, just like any other family.

Following on from that though, the interesting thing is that where a step parent is living with a resident parent, that step parent's income is taken into account for student finance, child benefit etc. So even if the step p feels that the child is not his or her responsibility, the government disagrees! The whole thing Is a financial minefield really.

This isn't about stepparents feeling not financially responsible - this is the actual law. Stepparents do not have parental responsibility (unless of course they acquire it through adoption, for example). That's not a feeling, it is a legal status. I don't actually have to buy groceries for, provide childcare for, or buy new shoes for my dependent stepchildren.

But yes, the taking of stepparent income into account for student finance is entirely inconsistent with the legal status. Which is particularly nonsensical given that in the case of student finance is about adult children, not dependents. In point of fact, taking even a parent's income into account when determining financial aid eligibility is absurd, and doesn't account for an awful lot of real-life situations.