I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

[Mummy1106]

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

And his priorities should be with ALL his children. You marry a man with young children, you should be prepared to help financially as part of your marriage.

No you are not.
His daughter is his responsibility financially.
What has he done with his salary and divis?

Is he going to contribute? I guess it depends on the size of the contribution he is expecting too.

Hmmm..hard to say. Are they newly acquired stepchildren, or have you taken on a 'mum' role?

Did you each take the same out of the company and he wants to dip into your half?

TBH I would let her pay them back when she starts earning money.

What I am reading is finacal abuse, making threats to liquidate the business if you don't comply.

Why do either of you need to contribute to her university fees? Where is she planning to go? In England and Wales she will get a loan for fees which she will pay back once her earnings reach a certaing threshold. Or are you talking about her living costs?

She's his and his ex-wife's responsibility not yours. Fair enough if he wants to give her some of his money (as long as he does the same for your DD) but unreasonable to expect you to fork out.

How would you feel if the situation were reversed, OP? Would you expect support for your children? Daughter is still in education. She may not get a place but she might. Her mum can't help her.

I'm firmly of the opinion that if you 'make' (adopt/whatever) a child, you are financially responsible for it, no matter what so ultimately his responsibility (and his ex's) but if that means that he will not be able to give as much to his/your children then how will that work for you?

Do you think this is worth taking it to the wire for? It sounds like this is where it's heading - towards massive resentment. I don't much like your attitude that his children are not your responsibility; you're married. His priority is his children - that includes the ones you have together but also the ones he had before.

You both need to talk about this.

But image does so

would suggest your husband looks into the facts more closely around student finance. assume daughter will claim as part of mothers household- and therefore will get full loan and possibly a fair chunk of maintenance grant. he should back away and revisit this when she has graduated.the funds may be better directed to fund a house deposit etc.

i do think you both need to have a proper discussion about finances short, medium and long term. it is not reasonable for him to assume you will pay for his daughters fees, but if you have joint finances, it is a moot point.

Why can't she take out a loan like everyone else?

I'm not convinced of the value of parents paying any uni fees. A student loan seems a better bet than using taxed income.
Couldn't you come to an agreement that all your DC could receive a fixed amount when they need it?

Sorry. He does sound melodramatic re liquidating company. And the fact is, it's clearly a great business that you started. You prob could have borrowed capital and he wouldn't be making this money without your idea.

So on reflection he is being unreasonable.

Agree with greenfolder. In most circumstances it makes very little financial sense for parents to contribute to university fees. Does he know this? Has he done any research on the subject? She should be entitled to loans for her fees, which will not be repayable until she earns a certain amount. She should also be entitled to full maintenance loan if her mother is that poor.

If she wants to go to uni she should pay for it. I have no idea where this entitlement comes from but after 18 herchoice whether to work or study should be funded by her. Definitely not you. You had the foresight to save. It's not been saved for dsd to use.

For anyone to pay Uni fees upfront is stupid.

Go on money saving expert for a detailed answer to why.

NO NO NO NO NO

NO-ONE should pay tuition fees. That is not how it works. It is now how it is intended to work. University tuition is free at the point of entry in the UK.

Only if you earn over a certain amount do you pay back a carefully scheduled amount. That way only those who truly benefit pay back their fees. THAT IS HOW IT IS MEANT TO WORK!

Why don't people listen? This is not new information. The government have been trying to get the truth known about this since the Daily Fail etc started off on their mission to lie and scare people out of Higher Ed.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/student-loans-tuition-fees-changes

www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/should-i-get-student-loan

www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/student-loans-guide

PLEASE believe me and him...

I spend countless weeks of my life each and every year explaining this to students as they fill out their UCAS application. I hear the nice people from UCAS explain it every year, the student loan woman is amazingly clear and spends hours explaining this.

But no, someone's dad's dog said you have to pay, so there!

DO NOT PAY FEES UPFRONT UNLESS YOU HAVE CASH LYING AROUND. STUDENT LOANS ARE THE CHEAPEST RATES YOU WILL GET - HOW MUCH CHEAPER THAN NOT PAID BACK DO YOU WANT?

AND NO - IT DOES NOT COUNT AGAINST MORTGAGES ETC. THAT'S THE POINT!

Can you call his bluff.
Tell him you will buy him out of your company.
Then you can employ someone, go it alone and owe nothing to anyone!

It's cheaper and better money-wise for her to get a loan anyway.
Why is he insisting on this?

How much does he want you to contribute?
You state 13K in your title, are you expected to stump up all of this?
If so then he is being soooooo unreasonable it's untrue.
What's happened to all his money?

I am confused. Do you each take an equal amount in dividends or share one payout? Have you saved his "half" of the divi and now are refusing to allow him to use for his DD? If you have then YABU, its his money too and he should be able to decide what it goes on.

If the savings are solely from your half of the divi then YANBU on the basis that he should have planned and saved himself for this instead of (presumably) spending it and then expecting you to make up the shortfall.

Stepdaughter was 10 when we met and we had ups and downs. I never took parental responsibility of her. Whenever I wanted to interfere with her messiness and not helping around the house, I get " her mum is like that, what do you expect, she has no one to learn from....".
I agree that she should take student loans but he feels that paying for the fees is the only reasonable option.
I don't want to drift apart over this but it's heading that way? I feel sick in my stomach.

No you shouldn't and daughter should get a loan like anybody else whose parents can't afford to pay fees.
He can spend his savings if that is what he wants, but she isn't your dd and you shouldn't have to pay.

You said you saved your share of the dividends. What did he do with his share? Why can't he pay the fees from that?

Why would anyone with any brains pay student fee's upfront ?????

AND NO - IT DOES NOT COUNT AGAINST MORTGAGES ETC

That's not entirely true. If you are taking out a mortgage, they will look at your other outgoings when deciding how much to lend you. If you have a student loan repayment of x amount per month, that is x amount less from your wages available to pay the mortgage and therefore they will probably offer you a smaller mortgage. Particularly with the recent MMR and focus on affordability, stress testing etc.