I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

[Mummy1106]

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

He pays for everything for the home which you all live in, you pay for your child and a few luxuries. If you reorganised you finances so that you paid for the home and bills 50/50 would he then be able to afford to do what he wants for his dd?

Will you want to pay for your dd's fees? My boys are In private school and I imagine we will pay the fees as in reality it will just be a continuation of what we pay now if we are still in a position to afford it. I couldn't do it for one and not the other though, for your dh they are both equally his children.

I actually think you sound pretty mean to your DSD. Not because of the fees but because of the derision you seem to have for her.

If you are not sharing all costs equally from your salaries and pooling the leftovers then it's fair enough that he might wish to discuss changing that.

It sounds inadvisable to pay the fees upfront but I can see he may want to offer his daughter some support at uni.

If she went to private school, and presumably doesn't anymore, is there surplus in the budget from that?

Well said lunar1! - OP can you really not see how unreasonable you are being?

I suggested putting all our money into a joint account. This money would be used to pay for the household bills and daughters private school fees (he insisted on this, I wanted a local comprehensive), clothes etc.
He already spends a lot on his 18year old daughter and she jokingly once said "dad, you are the bank"
He refuses to move all the household bills onto joint account as it is too much hassle....
So before people start thinking that I am a spoilt madam, please consider this: he is working in San Francisco and flyers first class, eats in amazing restaurants etc.
I am doing the school runs, helping with homework, cooking, etc all after a full days work. After she is in bed I do work research or spreadsheets for the business. Basically I am more or less single mum that's running the business and I have no second to spare for myself.
I could have gone mad and blow the money on a personal trainer and expensive holiday, but no I save instead.

OP - You are wrong, flat out, totally, 100% wrong. Why post the question if you didn't have any intention of listening to the full range of advice. To you his daughter is second class, you couldn't have made this clearer. Bad move and one you might well come to regret.

ah, and now it becomes clear that the resentment goes much deeper. He is working in San Fran on your jointly owned business but you get to see your daughter every day while still working are stuck in the UK on the same business, and have to cook for her while he's sucking up to clients on expenses and eating in fancy restaurants while still working, because we all know that client entertaining is really a lot of fun and while he's working really hard on the business (as are you), he wants to support his own child out of it too. OUTRAGEOUS.

She is not 100% wrong!! She is not begruding her DH spending HIS savings on his DD uni fees. She feels she shouldn't spend HER OWN savings on them as well.

If they had a joint account, a joint decision would be made. As it is, they keep their finances separate, they are responsible for individual expenses within the family. Their own separate savings are theirs to use as they see fit.

Wow! The harsh posters are out and about this afternoon!

I think the best thing to do is to research it and present the advantages of the loan to him. However, in the end, you as a family do need to contribute to her education as much as you would your daughter. I can see why it matters to him and I can see why it's upset you.

Harsh posters always come out in force for the step-parenting threads. I can see why you're upset as well OP. You might do better to get this moved to the step-parenting forum.

You should do for your other daughter (which she should be if you married her dad) what you plan to do for your daughter. Regardless of who birthed them. If you don't help this daughter then it would be unreasonable to help the other one.

I agree with Bristol. It might seem like his life is glam but he has to fly a bunch and be away from home, doesn't sound that great despite first class tickets and fancy restaurants.

There are two distinct issues here.

Firstly paying the tuition fees in advance- which is a ridiculous thing to want to do so, with regards to that in isolation, YANBU

However, you clearly dislike and resent your step children so would object to any money being spent on them and in that instance YABVVU

you seem to want all the credit for starting the company whilst acknowledging it would have been nowhere near as successful without your husband- you can't gave it both ways.

Your DH does sound financially misguided at best if the company is paying for the first class airfares. They are a ridiculous waste of money, even compared to business class, and are only useful for executives of large companies who don't receive the difference in air fares in their pockets, which your husband would.

Not a chance in hell would I ! And I agree with the previous poster who said his threats of dissolving the company you set up is financial abuse.

Op are you actually reading the advice of the other posters who know about uni fees?

I think the problem is that you both have individual savings. Therefore it is easy to look on your savings as YOURS , if you had joint savings then all payments would come from there.

FWIW my dsd is almost 17 and knows that we will not be paying any uni fees and neither will her mum. If she wants extra spending money she will also have to get a job.

Maybe I came across too harsh. I do school runs for his daughter as well drive her to various rehearsals (her mum refuses to drive her anywhere. She stays with us when he is away and I love her but not her messiness.
I am not an angel and I feel guilty for not loving her the same way as my own daughter.
I took on some of the responsibility but I was not allowed to set the same house rules for her as for my own daughter. She is polite and always thanks me for picking her up, washing her clothes, running to deliver stuff 5 minutes before she leaves for the airport (because she forgot her esta visa). I give her a lot of my time and enormous amount of patience.
I don't want to give her half of my savings as well.
Unfortunately my husband already promised that he will contribute towards her uni fees.

OP, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest.
There is a lot of misdirection going on in this thread, but the bottom line is that your DSD's university education is her own responsibility. If her parents wish to contribute to it, they may do so. As has been pointed out, the wisest thing is for her to take the loan for her own education. Please do look at the information nomama has presented. She is spot on, and as she says, it is disgraceful that the scare campaign to put people off higher education has been so successful.

You should put your money towards your own child's future. The idea that because you married him you now have a financial obligation to his adult children is just a pile of horseshit, really.

How much cash is in the company? just wondering whether the company employing her whilst at university might be a compromise. Whether she actually did anything would be for you to decide, but it might be tax efficient, and you could negotiate where the money comes from (savings in air fares springs to mind).

To be fair, OP, that latest information is only in your later posts. It was quite an important bit of information too because it changes things somewhat.

I really hate how shitty people get on here about step parents. I don't get the impression that the OP is down on her step-daughter at all. In fact if anything, her frustration with her husband is clear. She doesn't get to be a parent, was never given a parental role in her upbringing so it is not outlandish to object to providing her with 30k when her mother is not doing so!
For the record, I have a DD who is treated as my DPs own. He loves her. However, it is ultimately up to me and her Dad what happens with her upbringing. I include DPs views as a courtesy and due to us being a family but I don't give him the right of veto. When DD turns 17, her father has promised her a car. I have chosen to contribute to her insurance. I don't expect DP to as he doesn't agree with the decision. I certainly won't be saying, you owe me half due to the privilege of living with me.

You do not sound harsh at all!! I cannot see where your posts show that you clearly dislike and resent your step children

Stick to the posts about what fees entail. They actually talk sense!

What has money to do with being a parent, step or otherwise Queen? "I didn't get to tell her what to do so I won't pay for her"? That's what it sounds like. Shitty comments everywhere today.

No, differing opinions on child rearing in demonstrably successful families. I see an OP who has had her role limited, clearly isn't given a say so in the family set up (he has already agreed to give the daughter the money) and is now being bullied by first her husband and then a load of people who jump on her role as a step parent.

YANBU. Get DSD to use student finance and sort your own finances out. The threat over dissolving the business is rather telling; this already sounds like a rather unbalanced situation and I'd say you should look on this situation as a warning.

Yanbu op. I think your husband is overcompensating because of guilt and he thinks it's easier than any other option. I would help her sort out a student Loan and accommodation etc by giving time and advice but no I wouldn't give her my savings. There is plenty of time to splash out on her, as she gets her first home, gets married, has kids etc etc