I feel that I shouldn't contribute to stepdaughters university fees (£13k)

[Mummy1106]

Husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have one daughter (7years old) and 3 children from his previous marriage. Only our daughter lives with us whilst youngest of his children (18years) stays with us now & then).
6 years ago my husband encouraged me to leave the company where I worked and start a company of my own.
In the beginning things were going slow and I was working on building my business.
He was made redundant and joined my company. We took it from sole trader to limited. As he works in the bank project management his contributions to the overall business income were 4 times more than mine.
We pay each other small salary and take the rest out in dividends.

We are both savers by nature and over time I built decent amount which I am planning to set against the mortgage (once the interest rates start rising).

My husband asked me to contribute towards his daughters university fees. (She hasn't been offered place)
He feels that the money we drew out of the company is proportionally his and that he is entitled to it. I feel that the money I saved is mine and I should spent it whichever way I feel.
I can not help but feel that I am being used as a tax break. He is laying on the guilt and saying that he encouraged me to leave the company and start the new one. He helped me get to where I am, without him and his financial backing I wouldn't be where I am now.

We have had a massive argument over it and now he wants to liquidate the company.
May I also add that step daughter has a mum which is poor as a church mouse (she spends more than she earns).
Our daughter is in the private school and I don't have any pension.
Am I being unreasonable for refusing to contribute towards his daughters fees?
We both feel disappointed and I love him but my priorities are with our daughter not my stepchildren.

Am I being unreasonable?

I don't think there should be any threshold on paying student loans back. Would be far better to allow twelve months for them to find work then start paying it back regardless of salary. Payments aren't that high. That way, student loans will always be repaid and no incentive to stay under the threshold or not work at all.

Groovee, the labour trust fund was a sham and nobody was forced to add to it. I couldn't even tell you who's DS's is with and it will be worthless. The OP is paying into one, that's completely different. What are the odds that if circumstances were reversed and it was the OPs own daughter not getting the uni fees or trust fund but his children were she would be bleating about the unfairness of it all.

You see I have the following issue. You seem to have more or less the finances shared between you but at the same time talk about your and his savings, him paying for his dd's fees and you paying the mortgage.
You have a system that is a mixture of having finances all pooled together and having separate finances which won't be working in this case.

If your finances are all together, then the decision of paying some of the mortgage, ensuring that you have a pension, planning for your dd's future and her own university fees should all be decided together. As well as how paying for your dad fees will fit into it and if you can, as a family afford it.
If your finances are separate, then you have your own savings, you should ensure you are building up a pension and there is no way you should pay for his dd fees out of your savings.
Atm you have the worst of both worlds. He decides whT to do with his dd but sees the whole of the money as his, instead if seeing that half if it is yours and can't be touched all the while not taking your interest into account such as a pension.

I also about him saying he will dissolve the company. How on earth is he going to work if there is no company anymore??!

You are a parent. Step or otherwise. You can't pick and choose who you help financially. Your DH isn't asking you to foot the whole bill with no contribution from him.

Only on MN are a women's savings her own yet everything a man owns his wife should have access too.

As for teaching her to be frugal, you pay for lots of things that you could have free or do yourself yet you begrudge her the extra £10 on her personal choice of hairdresser?

My whole being is against paying her loans. So off you have savings or a good income still when your daughter goes to uni will you stand by that and not pay hers? Might be a mute point as she'll have the trust fund to do it anyway.

For those saying it is like telling kids to take a loan and not paying it back is OK. You are missing the point.

The loan does not become live until you earn a certain amount, proving that the education benefitted your earning potential. It then effectively, becomes a tax on the higher rate of earning.

It ensures that degrees that lead to low paid but essential jobs are still taken up. That people who take low paid but very rewarding jobs don't get penalised for doing so.

To continue to tell kids that it is a millstone of debt around their necks forever is wrong, you set them up for a life of guilt when there really is no need. The government don't necessarily want/expect every student to pay it back. Please read the links in my previous post - it will all make more sense then.

When you married, did you not have any discussions about to what extent you'd keep your finances separate and to what extent you would keep expenses separate or not for his children vs your joint child?

I get that from your DH's point of view he has to provide exactly the same for all his four children. I don't think it follows that you have to provide the same for your child and your stepchildren.

The DSC have two parents to support them, unfortunately their mother is not in a position to help financially but that just can't mean you have to make up the shortfall, especially when there are three of them.

What's going to happen if/when the other two DSC get married or want to get on the housing ladder, and dad offers to pitch in? Are you going to be asked to find more money to give them at this point too?

And the big question: wills and inheritance. Have you both made wills? Is it clear how your assets will be divided between the four children?

Does he mean fees or living expenses , because the loan she will get will be insufficient to cover living expenses and nearly all parents help out with that.

If I was you, I'd be tempted to say I was happy to give DSD a token amount towards her university living costs as a show of support, but NO WAY spending a significant portion of your savings on her fees.

Agree with everyone who says she should just take the loans on offer if and when she goes to university. Will he expect you to subsidise all 3 of your SDCs?

YABU to post as a stepmum, you'll get very negative views, step mums are vilified on mumsnet.

You are supposed to love the step kids, support them financially, but never actually act like a parents, because they are none of your business and nothing to do with you. You just can't do anything right.

FWIW I don't think you should be contributing to her degree, but that's just my opinion.

Davincinight, he said he will start his own company.
I have no pension and my isa investment is my form of saving for an older age.
I guess I could buy him out of the company and let him start his own.
Maybe I could pay for some of the loan, once she graduates but not 50%.

Haven't read the whole post but MoneySaving Expert is very convincing that it makes no sense to pay upfront.
here

If she earns 50k a year she'll pay 248 a month back. That's hardly crippling when she'll be getting 3k a month in total! If she earns less, she'll pay less.

There is room for compromise here

He gives up the 1st class flights and goes economy for a couple of years - the savings go into a Uni fund.
You give up the Gardener and cleaner - again the savings go into a Uni fund.

Both of you make sacrifices from here on in, and make it a joint goal to save the £27K TOGETHER by X date, while leaving your existing savings untouched.

If your mortgage is interest only then your lifestyle looks from the outside as being one of all fur coats and no Knickers. You've been so busy being selfish about your own child being the priority and resenting the step kids that I'm worried you've missed out on seeing the big picture.

Personally I'd prioritise how you intend to achieve some semblance of security for your old age. If you are only paying the interest on your mortgage what mechanism is in place to pay off the capital at the end of the loan term? Illness or accident could hit at any time and if you are BOTH self-employed then I doubt you'd find adequate mortgage protection insurance on an interest only loan nowadays.

Your whole lifestyle seems very luxurious and swanky but scarily precarious to me. It could all disappear in a puff of smoke tomorrow and then you'd be too busy saving yourself to worry about DSD

Do you have pension plans? If not then your savings should go into a pension plan for yourself before you worry about Uni fees for your child.

I personally feel that your savings AND the 9K a year you currently spend on school fees would be better invested in repaying some of the capital on your home loan. By the way is your name on the deeds to your home?

I'm not keen on the threat of company dissolution if things don't go his way. By the same token your comments comparing yourself to a single parent when you have no everyday bills to pay, have a gardener, cleaner, only kid in private school etc made me crack up laughing at your utter cluelessness. His ex is as poor as a Church mouse - is this because she's daft or because she got screwed over in the divorce? My gut tells me it's the latter for some reason.

I suspect his willingness to cover all the bills a court would regard as important demonstrate an ability to screw you over good and proper if this relationship breaks down. Nowhere in your posts have I heard the usual 2nd wife lament over child maintenance payments and their impact on the family budget. has he made regular payments or has he been crafty and kept it all informal so that he retained control over his ex?

Is his EXW (DSD mum) going to contribute to the university fees of the OPs DD, she has plenty of time to save up for it?

YANBU

I sympathise as I sense it's as much to do with how DH and DSD are free and easy with their money and you are careful. Net result over time is you have savings and now you are being asked to hand them over to profligate DSD. I wouldn't want to either but I don't think you are going to have my choice

However since firstly she doesn't even have a place yet and secondly repayment would be years away I would just nod and say let's see what happens.

You sound like two separate people with two separate families. Why would you help your husband or step daughter. The chancers.

YANBU OP.

If you look at it like this, then what he is asking is unfair.

The OP and her DH both receive an identical salary and identical dividends from the business.

They have separate accounts for their identical salaries, out of which come joint expenses, but to all intents and purposes they are jointly and equally responsible for mortgage and school fees etc.

DD7 is going to private school but so did DD18, so the fact that the school fees come from OP's salary and account are neither here nor there. She's not favouring her DD with private school while living off her DH's salary and depriving his elder daughter. She has suggested a joint account which her DH has refused to consider.

The OP and her DH also have separate savings, which are theirs to do with as they wish.

He wants to use his savings to fund DD18 at university, which is his right if he wants to do so.

However he also wants to use the OP's savings to fund DD18, savings which she had earmarked for a separate purpose, namely paying off part of the mortgage and in lieu of a pension.

And it's not his right to use the OP's savings if she doesn't want them to be used.

The OP is not denying DD18 something which she then plans to give to DD7.

And there are other, more sensible options open to DD18 to fund her university place.

However the big warning bell is the tantrum he has thrown about this and his childish threats to liquidize their company if he can't have his own way. If this is the way he reacts to not getting his own way then you are probably going to need that money OP, because neither a marriage nor a business partnership can survive for long when threats like this are being bandied about for any length of time. Ultimatums have a way of damaging even the strongest relationships.

You all need mediation.

Contact a local mediator to sort out this issue with your SDD, your DD and your DH. All are involved in the problem, and all are involved in finding a solution.

Fwiw, I would divorce and be a sole trader again. I think you're being taken for a ride. Put your savings in a trust fund for your DD before you say anything.

You need to protect your savings for yourself and your DD, it's your hard earned money, and it's yours to spend as you wish - make sure the trust fund is copper bottomed, so he can't access it and use it to fund his lifestyle, and that of his adult spendthrift daughter.

It's not your fault if he has nothing to show for his work- you are not obliged to pay for his adult children's education - sounds like his ex divorced his entitled ass for good reason!

Find a good mediator and be prepared to thrash it out. Lock your savings away securely if your think you are going to split the business- they are not assets, and he has no rights to them.

Good luck.

Are you married?

The company is joint I would assume so I'm wondering if he could actually just dissolve the company wo your agreement. But I have to say I don't follow his argument.
What on earth does he want to achieve by creating a new company? Surely either he will still need your help/work to make it work smoothly, will need to see less customers to do all the stuff aside or pay someone. In each case, he will loose. On your side, you will have to start something else that might take time to grow do less money around for the family. How is that going to help to pay for his dd fees??

Tbh it feels more like he wants to call the shots and decide what is going to happen with you following with no complains.

The only reason I can
Think off that he would say something like this is as threat and I don't quite like it either.

His ex got 75% in divorce. Went on and had two more children with a looser and he left her.

YANBU.

DSD is 50% his responsibility not 50% your responsibility.

Who is he going to get to fund his 50% responsibility towards your DD

We only helped with living expenses for ours. I really think you should share that but the student loans should be paid by the student when he/she is earning enough. We didn't have dc together but I had 2, he had three and we have 5 (and 9dgc).