To feel free to use other children's toys in the sandpit?

[HarderToKidnap]

We go to lots of parks with our 2.4yo DS. He loves the sandpit and often we take our own spades etc, although sometimes we forget and sometimes go somewhere adhoc and don't have things with us, or go to a new place where we don't realise there is a sandpit.

Now, often in communal sandpits there are various buckets and spades lying around looking abandoned. I always feel free to give these to DS to use, having had a quick peek round for the owner. If after I pick up the spade I can't see anyone looking territorial, I will just give it to him to use. I keep an eye out for anyone coming near us spadeless, so I can quickly check with them whether the spade is theirs, and leave the stuff where i found it when we're ready to go. If I abandon my spade whilst DS toddles off to another attraction and I see someone else using it, I never mind. Just part of being at the park.

Anyway, got a mouthful off someone the other day for using a bucket they'd left in the pit. They'd stuck some paper pictures onto the bucket and one had come off. I'd noticed this before picking up the bucket, which had been laid there a good twenty minutes before DS picked it up. I stashed the paper pic safely and was intending to leave it in the bucket when we left. To reiterate pic had already come off bucket and was next to it. They were REALLY cross about the use of the bucket and obv thought we'd caused the pic to come off.

Discussing with friends today, there seems to be an even split between those who thought I was hideous for using someone else's toys, and those who thought mouthy mother was a lunatic. MN Jury, what say ye?

P.S., I'm not intending to change my behaviour at all, btw, regardless of MN consensus. I love the give and take in the sandpit and have had nothing but positive interactions with other mums and kids re the sharing of toys, save this one incident. This AIBU is purely for information gathering purposes!

I'm with you! If it's there, on its own, and all appropriate territory checks have been made then use it. If they left it for 20 mins+ Surely they realised someone (a child who knows no better) would come along and use it? Irresponsible on their part for the incident and damage to the picture.

Yanbu

I wouldn't, but only because I teach my children not to use something belonging to someone else without asking. Rules are rules, they've no concept of time at this age and I don't intend to confuse the issue by bringing in shades of grey. I'm perfectly happy for them to go up to a child who's playing with multiple spades/buckets/moulds and ask politely if they can borrow/play too, though, and rarely had a refusal. Likewise we share ours.

YABU. Would you "feel free" to use a child's scooter or ride on toy if they'd left it unattended for twenty minutes?

Of course not! Or I'd hope not anyway! These are not your things....and you're teaching your son a bad message. It's not the same as "sharing" because the owner is not there to ask.

Ummm..
I don't like it.
My dd would be upset and wouldn't feel brave enough to ask an adult to give her stuff back. She is shy and we are working on it.
I always offer to include spadeless dc and share with them, but I don't like her stuff to be borrowed without asking.
I wouldn't be nasty about it though!

I am with you op. We always share stuff in the sandpit, and will use spades etc that are lying around. I always tell dcs to give them back if owner is there, and sometimes nicely ask for ours if dc wants to use it and someone else is.

I think one reason I do it in a sandpit but nowhere else is because quite a few places have toys in the sandpit for everyone to use.

I always say to DD that whatever she takes to the park is fair game... It is unreasonable to expect all children to have the same ideals about boundaries... Or in short, you snooze you loose.

I wouldn't. Not the attitude I want to encourage in my children.

Antsy but it's NOT fair game. Why are you teaching your DD that other people's belongings deserve no respect? Do you assume all DC are ignorant of basic good manners? If not...then you're pandering to the rude minority

I think being generous with your stuff is exactly the attitude I DO want to to encourage in my children. It won't get broken, nicked or deprive the owner of the joy of playing with it when they want to. It's just lovely not tot be possessive about stuff unless it matters, isn't it?

Mouthy mother was bu for being mouthy but yabu as well.

I certainly wouldn't use something belonging to another adult without asking the owner or the owner offering,so why would I want my children to think that it is ok

But who makes the rules about what matters?
Not everyone will agree (not on mn, that's for sure!).
I think it is rude to take without asking.

Being generous with your things is not the same as allowing them to be used without permission. Of course sharing is to be encouraged but you can't encourage that without explaining that permission needs to be sought...children can't distinguish between a bucket unattended in a sand pit and a brand new expensive cycle....so broadly, the best thing is to teach children to ASK before using.

I wouldn't mind as long as the borrower keeps an eye out to give it back. I remember a dad borrowing a thomas ball that belonged to my dd. He was playing with his son, and wouldn't give it back to my dd when she asked because he didn't believe it was hers . Obviously girls don't own balls that have thomas on .

Harder "Just lovely to not be possessive" about things is a silly thing to say....and as you say "Unless it matters"...how do you know that bucket was not infinitely precious to that family? You don't of course..you can ASSUME not as it's "just a bucket" but ordinary things can be precious...and irreplaceable.

Although I would be cross if someone picked up dc's bikes or scooters and just borrowed them. And I guess there isn't a huge amount of difference between that and the sandpit toys.

That's right...they're all someone else's belongings. Same as a doll in the grass, a ball left on a court or a bucket in a sandpit. Prudent to keep an eye on your things of course but that doesn't mean that those who didn't bring their own can just plunge in and take yours either.

I wouldn't say that, Brian.. Scooters and the like are expensive and breakable. Can't say the same for plastic buckets and spades.

The park sandpit near me, has communal toys that are there for any child to use.

Harder the item is not yours and not yours to place a value upon.

I always told my children that if they bring toys to the park, then they have to be willing to share with their friends, old and new. They never questioned it and we never had a problem politely asking for things back when it was time to go home. Similarly, if they enjoyed other people's toys at the park (we always asked first!), then they had to return the toys to their rightful owner before leaving and say 'thank you'. In principle, no you shouldn't have to share your belongings with the public but toddlers and preschoolers are a different population, still learning these norms, and I always have found that it's best to just spread the love, rather than be grabby and possessive. And the play equipment is there for everybody to use and enjoy so what's the difference? Occasionally we had to leave spades/buckets with very single-minded toddlers but they are easily replaced at the dollar/pound store. My kids were always happy to leave stuff if I said something like "Wow! look how much fun she's having with that. Shall we sneak away and let her keep playing?". Sometimes we'd go without toys at all and otherwise we'd take toys and leave them even if there for another kid to find even if there was nobody else there.

But what difference does it make, if you leave an unattended bucket in a sandpit, if a little toddler picks it up and uses it for a few minutes before leaving it where they found it? It's just a silly emphasis on "stuff" being important. It makes no difference to the condition, geographic location or availability of toy to the real owner. It's just a bit of nice give and take.

I would expect someone to ask before they used our stuff, and I would expect DD to do the same if she wanted to use someone else's sandpit gear (which has happened in the past).

Otherwise it's just stealing. Children need to learn that they can't just pick stuff up and make off with it. I'm bemused that you don't think that's necessary.

It is funny, because I would not let my kids use a football lying around, or a scooter, and to be fair, I don't think they have ever asked or tried to.

I think we do it partly because when dcs were little we lived overseas, every playground had a sandpit, and it was culturally correct that children were all expected to share and use each others toys. (not just in the sand) I had to teach my dcs that if they took it outside it was fair game for all to play with it and things occasionally got lost.

But also, the place we used to go in Uk where there was sand, there were buckets and spades from the park in the sandpit, so you couldn't tell if something was from the park or belonging to someone else.

Tbh if someone is close enough or indentifiable as the owner to ask then I would allow DS to use it as they may still want to play. I'm talking about temporarily abandoned items with no owner in sight.

And I know there are plenty of people doing it as I've never left buckets and spades unattended without coming back to find them being played with. And I think it's really nice!