To feel free to use other children's toys in the sandpit?

[HarderToKidnap]

We go to lots of parks with our 2.4yo DS. He loves the sandpit and often we take our own spades etc, although sometimes we forget and sometimes go somewhere adhoc and don't have things with us, or go to a new place where we don't realise there is a sandpit.

Now, often in communal sandpits there are various buckets and spades lying around looking abandoned. I always feel free to give these to DS to use, having had a quick peek round for the owner. If after I pick up the spade I can't see anyone looking territorial, I will just give it to him to use. I keep an eye out for anyone coming near us spadeless, so I can quickly check with them whether the spade is theirs, and leave the stuff where i found it when we're ready to go. If I abandon my spade whilst DS toddles off to another attraction and I see someone else using it, I never mind. Just part of being at the park.

Anyway, got a mouthful off someone the other day for using a bucket they'd left in the pit. They'd stuck some paper pictures onto the bucket and one had come off. I'd noticed this before picking up the bucket, which had been laid there a good twenty minutes before DS picked it up. I stashed the paper pic safely and was intending to leave it in the bucket when we left. To reiterate pic had already come off bucket and was next to it. They were REALLY cross about the use of the bucket and obv thought we'd caused the pic to come off.

Discussing with friends today, there seems to be an even split between those who thought I was hideous for using someone else's toys, and those who thought mouthy mother was a lunatic. MN Jury, what say ye?

P.S., I'm not intending to change my behaviour at all, btw, regardless of MN consensus. I love the give and take in the sandpit and have had nothing but positive interactions with other mums and kids re the sharing of toys, save this one incident. This AIBU is purely for information gathering purposes!

I think it is Harder. Because the things belong to someone else. How do you teach a dc what they can and can't take? Do you tell them a bucket and spade isn't worth much so they can borrow that? And how does your dc decide in the future what they can and can't borrow? And I guess if it doesn't belong to you then its not for you to decide. Most people possibly would be ok with it, but obviously some wouldn't be, as your example in the op shows. Its probably best to set an example by not borrowing without asking first.

What is the point of your 'information gathering'?

I don't think you were BU. We do the same on holiday in the kids pool. We have a whole bag of toys - cups, watercans and the like and are happy to share as as long as they return them which they generally do.

I haven't forgiven the family who nicked our mickey mouse though!

No point. Just wondering.

I'm with you. Often there are buckets and spades at our local sandpit that have been abandoned. These are unspoken 'communal' items. Half are broken/faded...looking a little crappy, but sometimes you can't tell if they are abandoned free for all, or belonging to someone else.

If we take our own and another child wants to use them and I see that, usually I will just say... Go for it, but I will keep an eye and make sure I can get them back when we leave.

Sometimes if Dd wanders off to play somewhere else, i simply retrieve our bucket and spade and put it back in the buggy/our bag. Not because I don't want her sharing (I love her sharing) but it's hard to keep track of these things when you have to keep an eye on your little one.

Nope sorry YABU.

If I'd run off after my kid or they'd moved on to the next activity and I hadn't had the chance to collect my things I wouldn't be okay with some random person just picking it up and playing with it.

Mainly because that's how things get "accidentally" packed with their things, or broken.

It's super rude. it's like sitting at someone else's picnic 'cause they moved on. or going to their bag they left laying around and grabbing toys. I would feel incredibly awkward about telling you to give me back my stuff 'cause people are crazy!

It's not yours to decide whether it's okay for you to use. It's also not up to you to decide whether the actual owners should be okay with you using it.

Personally, I wouldn't care if someone used my DD's toys as long as they weren't taking them away from her. As long as they didn't steal them. Growing up we had a sort of community of toys on the beach to play with. But at the end of the day they all went home with their respective owners.

I think its easy enough to teach kids the difference between community toys, toys that are meant to be played in a group like sand toys and pool toys, and individual toys, toys that are meant to be played with alone like bikes and scooters.

YABU, if everyone could encourage their children to leave other children's buckets and spades the fuck alone I wouldn't have to buy hundreds mild exaggeration of the sodding things every summer.

They're not generally bespoke articles,when it's time to leave the park why should the owning parent have to be arsed with going round the ten or so other children playing with the exact same one?

I've also left scooters by the side of the slide or sandpit to come back to find parents actively encouraging their kids to try them out. Why on earth do people feel children's belongings are fair game when they probably wouldn't think of just 'having a go' with an adult's?

Hmmm, just a difference in outlook then. I'd rather jump off a bridge than have a toddler in the sandpit wanting to use my abandoned spade and not being allowed to because of, well, some sort of principle relating to plastic toys. Yet others would rather a digging kid not use their unused, abandoned bucket because their stuff is so important. Weird. I think it just implies a certain lack of generosity. But takes all kinds!

I wouldn't be bothered if someone else used ours.

Part of the fun of impromptu beach trips is buying a new set of buckets & spades, costing, what, a fiver to outfit a family? Buckets & spades are cheap & it's fun to pick up new sand moulds & things.

All our beach stuff eventually makes its way to my parents' house on the coast, where it is also deployed for visiting great-nephews & nieces of theirs - & in fact, a lot of their cache originally belonged to my cousin's kids, thinking about it. we do an annual visit, shoving all the beach stuff in the car before we set off, & leave it in their shed for next time. If it's not actually there next time, not to worry, some third cousin of mine probably had fun with it the week after we were there.

Having said that, if one of mine was using a bucket that I knew wasn't ours, I'd be aware that someone might return for it & would be ready to snatch it off my dc if they did...

I think being generous with your stuff is exactly the attitude I DO want to to encourage in my children. It won't get broken, nicked or deprive the owner of the joy of playing with it when they want to. It's just lovely not tot be possessive about stuff unless it matters, isn't it?

It is lovely. Great. By all means encourage that attitude in your children by encouraging them to share their own toys and teach not to make a fuss in the moment if other small children don't ask and just start playing.

You still ought to ask before using other people's things or you're training your kids to feel entitled to play with anything that takes their fancy if it isn't actually nailed down. I honestly don't see how that makes your children more generous and less possessive than they would be otherwise.

If your sandpit has things in it that are knocking around and basically communal and it's hard to know which is which, then that's one thing, but if you know perfectly well certain things aren't communal and you're still encouraging your kids to think it's fine to play with them, then I think that's wrong.

Yes, raven, you must be on high alert if your kids are using a bucket and you haven't successfully identified the owner, ready to snatch and return at a seconds notice. It adds an exciting frisson.

Well I never minded little children sharing my dcs' toys in the sandpit but on the other hand I remember hating it when we wanted to go home and had to go through the awkward bit of getting our things back. There was always the risk of upsetting a child who hadn't been taught that the toys were only 'borrowed' and didn't automatically belong to them just because they'd taken a shine to them. It all came down to the parents' attitudes really, if they were paying attention to their children and acted on my subtle hint of telling my dcs that we'd be leaving in five minutes by returning belongings all was fine. However there were occasions when I was left feeling guilty for wanting our own things back!

You get to make that decision about stuff you or your children own, you don't get to make it about stuff other people own.

It wouldn't bother me at all if a child began playing with DSs toys in the sandpit.

Though I would ask if the situation were reversed because some people do mind but there is no need to make such a fuss over a bucket.

Is your ds your oldest child? You might regret not having invested some time in modelling consistently the general rule that you have to ask first before playing with things that aren't yours, when he's off in the sandpit by himself at the age of four or five picking up other children's toys at random or trying to play with someone's scooter or bike.

You won't always be right beside him to do the looking round to assess just how abandoned/cheap things are and therefore whether it's OK to just pick them up and start playing with them. He's going to get it wrong, you know. It's a lot simpler to start with the simple general rule that if it's not yours you can't just pick it up and start playing with it.

Like Needs says, you can make decisions to be generous with your own stuff, not other people's.

Gosh, my frisson-triggering levels must be higher than yours.

I'm probably only vaguely aware if one of mine is playing with a spade we didn't bring, or I'm not aware because my nose is in a book, but if I had noticed, I'd not be unduly startled if someone turned up saying 'oi that's our dinosaur skeleton mould' - I'd apologise & get the kid who had it to return it.

I'd think they were being perfectly reasonable to reclaim it.

Pixel My parents just put me and DB in charge of getting our own toys back. We took them out after all. We had no problem taking our toys away from kids playing with them to pack up. They had no problem taking them from us. I don't think fights or hurt feelings ever resulted from it (I'm sure it happened a couple times, but it wasn't a common thing). There were times our stuff would get mixed up, but we knew what was ours and the next time we saw our toys we just took them back. But we were a bit older and there was a group of regulars that was always at the beach for swim lessons, that might be much to expect from a toddler.

I don't understand why you guys all feel awkward about grabbing your stuff. If you wouldn't feel awkward telling someone they need to give back your stuff, why feel awko about your child's?

I would just instinctively not do that. I think you sound a bit cheeky. It's not a free-for-all just because it's not tethered down.

I bet you could have found the owner if you'd really wanted to.

I'm with you OP a yo e who. Evrudges s toddler the use of a bucket and spade have so e serious problems. Same at paddling pool/splash park. Someone wants it back it's offers up. If my toddler loses interest in such toys and they lay idol for a time anyone is free to make use of them, so long as they don't half inch them.

I think there are lots of meanies out there though

Who begrudges* a toddler... Grrr

What's quite funny is, I wonder if the pictures on the bucket were a well construed deterrent from people using the bucket or proof of ownership when they wanted to reclaim the precious bucket.

I'm with you OP. The sandpit is a communal space. I always explain that it's not ours and we'll need to give it back when the owner comes. I also explain that we need to prepared to share anything of ours we take to the park. Share and share alike!

I take extra (wouldn't use someone else's), but it still normally ends up with a little one wanting what ds has (perfectly normal) and him having to give it up and use the spares.
He's also incredibly shy so asking for it back is a big deal.

I would have assumed they were communal toys by what you described!