To feel free to use other children's toys in the sandpit?

[HarderToKidnap]

We go to lots of parks with our 2.4yo DS. He loves the sandpit and often we take our own spades etc, although sometimes we forget and sometimes go somewhere adhoc and don't have things with us, or go to a new place where we don't realise there is a sandpit.

Now, often in communal sandpits there are various buckets and spades lying around looking abandoned. I always feel free to give these to DS to use, having had a quick peek round for the owner. If after I pick up the spade I can't see anyone looking territorial, I will just give it to him to use. I keep an eye out for anyone coming near us spadeless, so I can quickly check with them whether the spade is theirs, and leave the stuff where i found it when we're ready to go. If I abandon my spade whilst DS toddles off to another attraction and I see someone else using it, I never mind. Just part of being at the park.

Anyway, got a mouthful off someone the other day for using a bucket they'd left in the pit. They'd stuck some paper pictures onto the bucket and one had come off. I'd noticed this before picking up the bucket, which had been laid there a good twenty minutes before DS picked it up. I stashed the paper pic safely and was intending to leave it in the bucket when we left. To reiterate pic had already come off bucket and was next to it. They were REALLY cross about the use of the bucket and obv thought we'd caused the pic to come off.

Discussing with friends today, there seems to be an even split between those who thought I was hideous for using someone else's toys, and those who thought mouthy mother was a lunatic. MN Jury, what say ye?

P.S., I'm not intending to change my behaviour at all, btw, regardless of MN consensus. I love the give and take in the sandpit and have had nothing but positive interactions with other mums and kids re the sharing of toys, save this one incident. This AIBU is purely for information gathering purposes!

I'm somewhere on the fence. I don't think I'd say, "Oh look, DC, no one is playing with that bucket, why don't you use it?". But if they picked it up and started playing with it, I would warn them that they need to give it back as soon as someone wants it back, because it's not theirs.

I agree a bit of sharing, with cheap, plastic toys, in the park is good. I don't think anyone would bring anything valuable to the sandpit to play with (more fool them if they did).

Having said all that, my ds left a very nice spade on the beach last summer. We realised about 5 minutes later, and went to find it but couldn't. Someone must have decided to 'play' with it. We did have a good hunt round the area, but couldn't find anyone playing with it. I don't think it is on to move location with it too far.

You want to borrow something you ask or it is stealing.

Why would you want to teach a child that you can just use someone else's stuff? Where in life does this rule ever apply? And where have the basic good manners and decency gone?

I have no problem with sharing sandpit toys.

If a child I'm watching picks up a toy and the owner is nearby, I tell them to ask. If the owner has left the toy, I let them play, and remind them that it doesn't belong to them and to give them back when the owner gets back. I don't allow them to wander out of the sandpit with it, they have to play with and leave it where they found it.

I'm happy when another child comes up and plays with my charges' toys, and praise my charge for sharing. I only don't like when another child wanders off with it and I have to track the toy down to collect it, I've gotten weird looks when asking for a toy back.

If the toy owners didn't want others to play with the toys, the parents should take the toys out if the pit when the child's finished. Like putting the toys away when you've finished playing with them. Leaving them in and not allowing the use of to other kids is really selfish, it's saying 'My sand pit, you can look, but not play' to me that's far worse than unofficial use of others toys. IMO, leaving 'personal' toys out in communal areas invites them to be played with and if they get broken, you shouldn't have left them out. That's not to say the person playing with the toys shouldn't look after them, no, but if your toy is so important to you - whether a bucket, bike or skateboard - put it away. Otherwise, the next time I stand on Lego whatever during the night, I'll be buying a 'new' lot as well as having physio for my damaged feet. Instead of saying 'If you just put the thing AWAY I wouldn't have stood on it'.

Who should one ask before using the swings? Or the slide? Surely if we are teaching our children that they need to ask before using things then the same applies for play equipment?

The rationale is that children are not sophisticated enough to make distinctions between important and unimportant items, so shouldn't be allowed to play with things belonging to others. But they can work out what belongs to the park and what doesn't?

If you want to teach your children generosity and how to share, that's lovely but you can only do it with their own belongings.
If you teach it's ok to help themselves without asking just because the owner is distracted for whatever reason, then that's not teaching either. That's teaching if they want something even if it belongs to someone else, it's fair game.
It's not begrudging a child to tell them to not just help themselves, it's teaching them consideration and manners.

Where I live its the norm for all toys to be used by all children. Including scooters, balance bikes, trikes etc. no one minds and when the owner leaves no one complains when they take their toys back (and the adults always help to persuade their toddlers to relinquish the toy!)

Only exception would be the toys 'guarded' by the adult sitting on a bench. In that case the child asks.

At first I always told DS to put back the scooter or whatever but all the parents told me it was no problem and they were there to be shared. Its really nice!

If you don't want other children playing with your child's toys in the sandpit I think you should pick up after them. Completely abandoning a bucket and spade for 10 minutes while a toddler stares mournfully at it and can't concentrate on building sandcastles with their bare hands seems a bit mean to me, like deliberately flaunting something they can't play with.

Whoever mentioned stealing is being ridiculous. Stealing requires an intention to permanently deprive someone of something, using a toy while it has been left lying around is completely different.

Ultimately it just comes down to etiquette, and since there is no consensus there is no "correct" etiquette on this one, it's a purely personal choice.

We have similar experiences in the swimming pool. We take lots of toys, we lEave them by the pool or in the pool. I have taught my children that it's ok to let others share them ( if they play nicely with them) if they want them back they are to go and ask nicely.

We had tears as tots but now they are happy to share, happy to play with other children.

If we were bothered we would guard them or bag them up, it's all a bit confusing when sometimes the pool have stuff out. Sandpits are the same sometimes they have communal toys. Personally i think if you care, move your toys, parks are communal areas.

When it comes to bikes or scooter, we lock them up or they are very closely watched. We don't want to share our bikes very expensive or have someone fall off and hurt themselves.

I agree with Hairylegs. If you leave a bucket and spade in a sandpit and bugger off for 20 minutes, then you are being incredibly petty to get all uppity about a toddler using them.

YANBU. I wouldn't have been so sure but I had a really lovely park experience the other week where everyone shared and there was no problems. It was definitely a much more pleasant experience for kids and parents. There was a child with multiple dumper trucks which the mother was happy for all to use all over the sand area as long as she got them back at the end, sand toys were communal as ling as they were returned when asked. There was a really nice sense of community between the parents and the children so that is definitely something I would want to encourage.

Op, I am with you.
We sometimes bring buckets and spades and, when the children get bored of them ans walk off to the swings etc, I leave our bits in the sandpit foe others to use. When we don't bring it, I won't stop the children picking up an abandoned bucket and spade. If I see a child hovering near us, then I gently ask 'is that your spade?', if they respond posotcelt, it is immediately returned to them.

I have never had any issues.

My children are as generous and relaxed as they come about material items. and I think it largely comes from how they have seen how I am about possessions, both mine and theirs! If a child gets on my child's scooter while they are off playing, we won't bat an eye. We have never had anything stolen.

My neighbours just walked down to the shop leaving his mower out, is it ok for me to go and use it to mow my grass before he gets back?

No needsasock, leave it alone. Mowers are sharp and for mummies and daddies to touch, not toys for you to play with. Stay in the sand pit please.

Omg, you're right. that's exactly the same thing. That's why i let my children play in other people's gardens and houses. That's exactly the same as a council owned communal park.

Teaching your children to be generous and share their stuff is great, but I think it's bloody rude and entitled to teach them to be 'generous' with other people's stuff. It's not your decision to make.

I'm used to parks which leave toys in the sandpit for everyone to use. If I saw an abandoned bucket or spade, I'd assume it was for communal use and encourage my child to use it

If it looked particularly new then I wouldn't be surprised if the owner came back to look for it though. If this happened I'd tell my child to hand it back and encourage him to say 'Thank you ' for letting him borrow it.

If I took toys to a sandpit which I wanted back, I would name them so I could prove they were ours. I saw a friend's children being shouted at by other children when they wanted their bucket and spades back to go home but the other children
thought they were for communal use and were outraged that somebody was 'stealing' them. It took several adults to sort out...

Omg, you're right. that's exactly the same thing. That's why i let my children play in other people's gardens and houses. That's exactly the same as a council owned communal park

Its the park or space and fixed equipment that is communal not individual belongings that happen to be in the space unless they are provided by the council or those who provide the space.

And the mower is not in his house or garden he's doing a bit outside the garden

PleaseJustShootMeNow - how is it any less rude and entitled to leave your stuff lying around?

Merry, if that was at west wittering that was my mum. Went off with DS to buy a spade, she came back with this proper amaze balls spade. Top of the range. Hours later, as we were packing up the car I mentioned how nice it was for her to buy such a great spade, and she said "oh no dear, I found it! I wouldn't spend that money on a spade for a toddler". !!!!!!! She then backtracked a bit and said she had looked everywhere for the owner etc. Sorry if it was your spade, or if indeed anyone else reading.

Our local park with a sandpit has buckets and spades there for everyone toady with, they have possibly been left behind at some point by other parents or provided by the park - who knows. I wouldn't ask around before letting my dc play with one, especially if it's been left for 20 mins.

I think the woman overreacted a simple oh that's ours can we have it back, would have been fine.

Oh and I think if you had posted this from the bucket woman's point of view you would have been told you were being u and petty. This is Aibu after all.

When mine were small enough to play in the sand pit we always took plenty of toys; if a child playing next to my dd had no toys she would happily hand out spares

We have a huge sand park near us,and all the small children just seem to play with everything that was lying about.

I never encouraged ds to pick up something lying about, however I also never stopped him if he did play with something abandoned, just told him it wasn't his, he must give it back when asked and say thank you. Never had an issue!

As for teaching children to take what they want, that is a slightly ott reaction. There is a big difference between stealing and a child playing with a toy left in the sandpit.

Ds is 5 now, and not really interested in the buckets and spade, however he did find an iphone buried in the sand last time we were there. Luckily, he was under no illusion it was his just because he'd found it and we managed to track down the owner :)

Harder, it was not West Wittering, it was Broadstairs. It wasn't that amazing, just one of those good ones with a wooden handle that can dig really deep! Had to buy another one for a fiver !