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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

446 replies

Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 18:27

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

OP posts:
andmyunpopularopionis · 27/05/2014 20:26

Totally OTT

Sounds like both you and your DH need to get a grip. What's he going to do when he has a teenage boy in the house?

Poor kid growing up in a house where he is expected to be an adult at the age of 4!! How sad for him.

JerseySpud · 27/05/2014 20:28

DD1 was 3 when we got married and then went to the UK on holiday. We took her to Thomas land and she can still remember it.

DD1 is now 7.5. I wouldn't even punish her half of what you have for something major.

I hope now that, reading the Mumsnet concensus, that you realise you and DH having been seriously horrible and OTT maybe need to rethink through how many punishments your 4 year old actually needs for one bit of cheekiness and ask yourselves how you would punish for something serious.

Mama1980 · 27/05/2014 20:30

Well done on telling him he can have the dinosaur set tomorrow, though tbh I'm with everyone else. The punishment was way ott. Your son was just trying to join in in the clumsy inappropriate and usually highly embarrassing young children do.
Totally full on, never ever let's up....sounds normal to me.
Your husband actually ignored him for 15 minutes? that's just crazy who cares what anyone else thinks?! Every parent in the audience would have been there themselves, you giggle blush remind him to say thank you and that's it.

Backtobedlam · 27/05/2014 20:30

Give him a big hug and explain maybe that adults make mistakes to and you realise he wasn't intending to be rude. You don't want this be the thing that sticks in his mind about the family holiday-make a big fuss of him tomorrow and try to make up for it.

thebodylovesspring · 27/05/2014 20:30

Well I work in reception class and none of the children's behaviour is impeccable as they are 4. It's not supposed to be.

MrsChickPea · 27/05/2014 20:32

Most children are impeccable at school. That's what's expected. But they have to 'be themselves' at home - no one is impeccable all the time. My DS (almost 9) recently went to a party where he heard the word "turd" - said by actors in context. He knows it's not a word to use at school or at home. He also knows we're not happy about it being said - we explained the word to him as he hadn't heard it before - so no idea the rights/wrongs of it. But he was laughing his head off earlier and called daddy a "turd head". Couldn't help but laugh! As well as afterwards reminding him NICELY that it's not really a word we should be using, and said once is funny - perhaps not so funny the next time.

SanityClause · 27/05/2014 20:33

I'm pleased you have taken the comments on board. Perhaps you can convince your husband, as well?

You seem unsure in your OP about whether the punishment was appropriate or not. You seem to have deferred to your husband, because he certainly seemed very sure of himself.

Start listening to your own instincts. United front be damned. If you think your husband is OTT, say so.

Maybe your DH has a skewiff view of reasonable punishments because of his own upbringing. So his parents were too harsh, and he thinks that's normal.

Discipline and strictness are not the same thing. Discipline is about self discipline. In this case, knowing about the right time and place to make the comments. Strictness is about you and your husband enforcing your will on your DS.

onetiredmummy · 27/05/2014 20:36

Good decision to buy him the dinosaurs OP :)

If you do ever need to talk about your husband by the way, come onto the Relationships board & talk about it there where its a bit quieter & not as bitey as aibu.

quietbatperson · 27/05/2014 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Limelight · 27/05/2014 20:38

Poor kid! If I had punished my nearly 7 year old DS for every time he'd told someone they smelled of poo in the last couple of years, he'd be in a constant state of penance. The thing about kids is that they're inappropriate, and rude, and sometimes massively embarrassing. I agree with everyone else - this sounds like a textbook example of a little boy wanting to please, and trying to join in a game he doesn't quite understand. Sounds like you embarrassed him, the entertainer, and most of all yourselves by responding in the way you did.

Personally, I would have let him have the dinosaur and I would have explained afterwards why what he said wasn't nice, and I'd have taken him back to the entertainer guy to quietly apologise.

My only other reflection is that I think that DH and I have (like most parents I suspect) gone through short periods where we suddenly realise we're being very hard on our kids. It's usually because one or other of us is very busy or stressed and there's a lot going on. Our conclusion is always that we need to let up a bit and give them a break. And without fail, their behaviour improves. I suppose what I'm saying is that it's sometimes our problem, not theirs. You talk about a situation in which your DS is very well behaved at school, and was able to respond to a request to behave incredibly well in order to win a prize. You say he's confident and able to talk to adults too. Great! Well done - you have a well behaved little boy who is confident and listens well to instructions. Why are you making work for yourselves? He sounds brilliant.

DarkHeart · 27/05/2014 20:41

Also agree way too harsh!

thebodylovesspring · 27/05/2014 20:42

I am afraid of your dh op. Please get him
Some help and please protect yourself and most of all your dh.

thebodylovesspring · 27/05/2014 20:43

Ds not dh.

Golightly133 · 27/05/2014 20:46

Far to harsh, the entertainer been encouraging him and you punished him? Sounds like a crap holiday to me

slithytove · 27/05/2014 20:48

Your poor DS.

He lost his prize, pocket money, toy, and his dad didn't speak to him for 15 minutes? And he is 4?!

Your DH is the one with the problem and to be honest the way you have described him has rung alarm bells for me. Is he like this because he is unused to children and therefore leaps to (unduly harsh) punishment rather than teaching/reminding DS the best way to be?

I think your son needs to learn that adults can get things wrong too and he deserves an apology rom you both, and the reinstatement if his pocket money.

No shame in telling him that you overreacted but that it's naughty to say that people smell.

TheNewSchmoo · 27/05/2014 20:49

caveat -I've only read to page 3 so far

Did a child's entertainer really look shocked that a 4 year old boy said he smelt of poo? Really? As a kid's entertainer I'd think he is used to fart else than that!

slithytove · 27/05/2014 20:54

I agree with dilys post and think you should emulate it OP

I too have found this thread very very sad to the point of shedding a tear for your poor wee boy being ignore by his father because he tried to join in on a joke.

What was wrong with saying "no DS, no one is smelly, now say thank you for your lovely balloon and well done for winning it"

You are on holiday ffs.

And I don't say this lightly - this style of parenting could really damage him and your relationship with him in the future.

FloozeyLoozey · 27/05/2014 20:55

I love banter with confident little kids, I find it very cute and funny, as a lot of people do. I.N have giggled at your ds affectionately but I would've been horrified at your husband. He embarrassed himself, not your ds. Very sad.

KaFayOLay · 27/05/2014 20:57

Well, he'll never forget this holiday Sad.

Very mean on the poor lad.

slithytove · 27/05/2014 20:59

Of course he is better behaved at school, I dare say the teacher isn't picking up on every little thing that you and DH seem to be! The stuff you describe wouldn't even enter onto my radar as being worth punishment as opposed to a quiet reminder.

magpiegin · 27/05/2014 21:01

I don't think the OP has really taken on board what has been said. The problem is not the son, he is 4 and acted like a 4 year old. We don't need the descriptions of what he is like at school/ home. The problem is the op and husband who are going to make the little boy too scared to say anything to anyone just in case he is punished.

It's a shame because it could have been one of those funny stories 'do you remember when you won that dinosaur and you told the man he smelt of poo?' Instead it could be something he remembers with upset.

Roussette · 27/05/2014 21:03

I can't abide badly behaved kids (which is not this little boy) but love spirited children who throw themselves into everything full pelt with cheeky humour. They are the sort of children who will go far in life if their characters are not quashed.

feathermucker · 27/05/2014 21:03

OP, 99% of people on this thread have told you that the punishment was unreasonable. I hope that, regardless of what your DH thinks, you have taken some of the comments on board.

Think about it from your son's point of view. He hardly sees his Dad, yet when he does, his Dad completely overreacts and punishes him more than once for what is, essentially, a very minor 'offence'.

Please don't attempt to justify the ridiculous punishments by stating how much hard work your son is.

It's great that he's confident and outgoing; it will stand him in good stead in the future. You need to learn to differentiate between cheekiness and rudeness or you run the risk of your child becoming quieter and quieter.

Your DH - livid?! Refusing to speak to him for 15 minutes?! He needs to get a grip! A serious overreaction :-(

feathermucker · 27/05/2014 21:05

Rousette

Spot on!

My DS is spirited, I'd hate to do ANYTHING to quash that.

Icimoi · 27/05/2014 21:07

All should lighten up. Tomorrow is another day and the boy isn't scarred for life. Yes, a bad decision. No, this 4 year old won't remember it.

I wouldn't bet on it. He's nearly 5; I can remember things that happened to me at that age, and this is just the type of thing that will stick in the memory.