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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

446 replies

Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 18:27

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

OP posts:
theQuibbler · 27/05/2014 23:14

Yes, as pretty much everyone has agreed, you were both unreasonably harsh.

I think everyone is so shocked because he's so little - just about to turn five - he's a wee boy who won't understand.

Sometimes, a lot of times, when our children embarrass us or need to be shown the error of their ways, (not, tbh, that I can really see the crime that you think your son has committed, but), that's when we need to love them the most.

I hope you are kind to him and rethink your punishments.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 27/05/2014 23:16

you should apologise to DS and replace his dinosaur somehow. I feel so sad for him.

GottaGetThisOut · 27/05/2014 23:24

Poor little boy. I feel really sorry for him. That's actually quite upset me. You horrible people.

Tangerinefairy · 27/05/2014 23:33

Am struggling to see how you couldn't see what your son was trying to do! How confused he must feel. The thing to do was to say in a nice calm voice "ok ds, calm down now love and say thanks for your prize" and then lead him off. Maybe try to explain later....or

MyLatest · 27/05/2014 23:34

Horrible of your DH. I am really very strict and can't stand lax parenting but that was way too far based on the situation you describe. Actually made me feel Angry and Sad reading it.

Tangerinefairy · 27/05/2014 23:35

Sorry posted too soon, maybe not. It is a very tough one for a 4 year old to get. I see you have alot going on, sorry you are under such alot of pressure. However, you owe your ds an apology, this is a very sad situation indeed.

Atbeckandcall · 27/05/2014 23:35

I want to buy your son a balloon dinosaur. I welled up reading this Sad

Cuddlydragon · 27/05/2014 23:38

OP, I think you can add "the time MN united in horror over the dinosaur balloon" to your list of mumsnet notorious threads. Your DH massively over-reacted and you couldn't see that for yourself. Your DH didn't massively over-react to punish your DS, he retaliated because he was embarrassed. Yes, it's important to be united and consistent but its also important for your DH to respect your view that he's dead wrong and for both of you to make this right to a very small boy. If you don't stand up for your son, he's learning so much more than when a joke about poo is or is not appropriate.

Tinkerball · 27/05/2014 23:41

You're not listening really OP. You have a choice whether to live with a controlling bully, sadly your wee boy doesn't.

timtam23 · 27/05/2014 23:41

Your poor little DS. He is only 4! My DS2 is the same age and I also have DS1 who is 6, they are ALWAYS going on about poo, stinky this, stinky that, and they laugh hysterically if anyone says "bottom" in any context...It's absolutely normal, their entire peer group at school is the same, and if egged on by adults they get wildly overexcited and respond with yet more poo/bottom talk. It is just them being 4 & 6, it's not a crime!

He tried so hard to win that balloon and must have been heartbroken to have been humiliated and ignored like that. How sad for him. Please give him his money back, buy him some dinosaurs & a big balloon and apologise to him for overreacting because he certainly will be able to remember this.

and then pay attention to the longer-term issue of how your DH interacts with & responds to your DS...

Off topic but I apologised to the DSs today for losing my temper with them (they had left a pile of soaking wet & dirty flannels on my bed after trying to "help" by cleaning the kitchen floor) - their hearts were in the right place & I knew I was wrong even as I lost my temper - I could see their little faces looking so stunned - the problem & overreaction was mine not theirs, I think it is really important to show children that adults are not always right and do need to apologise sometimes.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 27/05/2014 23:43

my god, if I punished ds every time he joked about poo, he'd have nothing at all :( he's never told a stranger they smell, he just says I do (I don't).

PluggyMug · 27/05/2014 23:44

As everyone else has said, this was more about the adults' feelings of embarrassment than the actual misdemeanour and the punishment was both cruel and disproportionate. The facts remain that your ds was the one gold to be hosed for good audience participation etc, and praise and prize was due for that. The prize should not have been removed for a subsequent issue and he still won that prize and praise fair and square. Have you given him any credit for that?

Your ds may well remember the sense of crushing disappointment, humiliation and injustice always. I'm not sure he will remember why - it's not possible for a 4 year old I get it right in social situations all the time - he's 4, he's learning. You and your DH need to gain some insight into developmental norms and readjust your expectations. This isn't a situation where your ds knew how to behave and deliberately did the opposite - he just didn't know. It won't be a situation he's been in before so how was he to know?

I think your posts refer your DH in a deferential way. If you are an equal parent, you get some say I how this is sorted out. If you are not, then if say the issue is your DH/relationship, not your 4 year old's completely normal behaviour.

This thread has made me feel sad. I hope you can move on and make some happy holiday memories.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 27/05/2014 23:45

Your dh sounds horrible, was the entertainer gobsmacked? Poor kid was just having a joke encouraged by the entertainer and I'm not sure how your DH took it as DS being rude. Sounds like he needs a personality transplant tbh and I'm surprised you need to ask if it is harsh, of course it is and how confusing for DS.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 27/05/2014 23:45

tim, I agree completely. Overreacting when your kids do something they maybe shouldn't have is something I reckon all of us do occasionally. acknowledging that you're wrong and apologising is hugely important, we expect them to apologise if they misbehave.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 27/05/2014 23:54

What's hugely telling about how much of an over reaction this was, is that this thread is unanimous. Normally on a thread about behaviour in AIBU there are posters that think you went too far, posters that think you got it about right and posters that don't think you went far enough. I can't think of a single one that's been this one sided.

The irony is that for all your posting about your 4 year old's inappropriate reaction to situations, the only person who has shown an inappropriate reaction is your DH. He needs help, whether that's psychological help for his anger and control issues or a parenting course, I don't know. But he does need to get some help and deal with it.

ILoveCoreyHaim · 28/05/2014 00:05

Dh wouldn't speak to ds for about fifteen minutes 'until he'd calmed down'

How old is your DH?

3

DH was seething?

It's your oh you need to worry about, not your son who from your posts behaves like most 4 year olds. What's the problem with him wanting to join in and play with others at the park. If someone tried to play with us I wouldn't give it a second thought and would gladly let them join in.

He sounds like a confident kid who is being crushed constantly by you and DH.

BumpAndGrind · 28/05/2014 00:21

This is bloody depressing.

EverythingCounts · 28/05/2014 00:26

What's the betting the kid's party will get cancelled anyway for, I don't know, looking the wrong way at his dad or something? OP will presumably obey silently and bin the birthday cake.

BTW not convinced that reciting a string of now quite well known MN cliches proves you're not a troll. Just proves you've read a thread where someone else defends themselves that same way.

justmuddlingalong · 28/05/2014 00:30

Which party, his 5th or his 18th/21st? Poor soul.

BeaLola · 28/05/2014 00:37

Im with everyone else way way way too harsh.

Your poor DS - if its as you describe he will remember for a ver.y long time.

Your DH needs a reality check amongst other things. His punishment - stick him in a soft play centre on a rainy half term day for the entire day so he can see what other 4 year olds are like ! Then he may start to realise what a fine 4 year old you have.

My Ds is 6 -anything to do with poo and bottoms is hilarious to him and his friends.

Seriously though if your DH didnt speak to him for 15 mins and was seething over this then I feel so sorry for your little boy because he is never going to measure up to his fathers unrealistic stifled view of what being a child is all about. I would be embarrased and mortified at DH behaviour .

Icimoi · 28/05/2014 00:45

Dh says he can't have the money because it's important to stick to what we have said otherwise ds will never think we mean what we say but that we will get him dinosaurs.

No, what is important is to demonstrate to your child that you are capable of being fair, and are capable of admitting it when you are wrong. That is a much more important life lesson for him. As matters stand, the lesson he is learning from DH is that his parents are capable of being totally irrational and unjust, and of stealing his money from him.

OP, you have mentioned more than once that you have discussed this with your son - but have you actually discussed it properly with DH? And that isn't a conversation when he is allowed to get away with repeating words to the effect of "Well, I think I'm right, so there!" but actually tries to take on board that this is a 4 year old child who was copying the entertainer's own conduct and clearly wasn't being deliberately naughty?

SoonToBeSix · 28/05/2014 00:49

More than just unreasonable you were actually cruel to your ds. Please hug him and say sorry.

thepurplepenguin · 28/05/2014 00:54

OP, I know you're not really taking in these responses but...

  1. Your DS does not sound unusually hard to handle, he sounds like a normal reception-aged boy. They are supposed to test the boundaries.

  2. My dad was like your DH. Crazy expectations, obsessed with keeping up appearances, used to flip out and then freeze me out if I dared do anything 'wrong'. And my mum was like you. She didn't stand up for me and would walk on egg shells to keep the peace. It was totally fucked up and I am still in therapy at the age of 32. Your DS will remember, if not this specifically then all the other incidents where you will make sure to 'stamp' on his behaviour.

Horrible.

feathermucker · 28/05/2014 01:08

I won't go against what dh has said, it would make the holiday more unpleasant.

It's interesting and very sad that you say it would make the holiday more unpleasant.

Please take on board what people have said. It is so, so, so important.

MrsSheldonCooper1 · 28/05/2014 01:12

I feel so sad for him Sad