To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

[Hangingwiththeraisingirls]

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

Way too harsh.

I'm a firm believer that punishment should only be given for something DC already knows is wrong.

My blood's running cold at recollections I have of being punished for doing things which I had seen adults do, but I hadn't yet learned they were "wrong". (How was I to know that I wasn't supposed to tell a woman on our doorstep that smoking was disgusting, when I had heard my mum say "smoking is disgusting" many times?)

Even at age 5, I would have understood a reasoned explanation; I didn't need to be punished for it. I still bear grudges to my parents about some of these moments, especially when they ruined what should have been a nice day by smacking me and making me cry, when I would have understood a reasoned explanation. (Yes, I know this thread's not about smacking, but that's how it was in the early 80's.) I had issues about this as I grew up; I hardly dared to take initiative, in case I did something wrong, which held me back in many ways.

First well done for raising - so far - a confident and intelligent 4year old who is able to behave himself when it matters.

Secondly. The person who behaved Inappropriately to the entertainer and made a complete and utter arse of himself is not your son. It's you husband. I don't want to get out the acronym, but your H does not respect you or your son

you only stick to your guns when you are correct. Your H is a bully. Are you able to stand upto him? As a PP said relationships might be a good place to find help.

Please please apologise to your son.

Now I'm confused.
On your other thread you were considering canceling your DS's birthday party because of your Fil's ill health. Now a week later you're on holiday with your DH.

Please tell me you didn't also cancel the poor boy's birthday party as well as this?!?

way over the top.

your dh is the one with the problem. he has unrealistic expectations of the behaviour of a four year old and i guess this stems from the fact he is away so much.

my seven year old is a great kid, never in trouble, does as she is told and is kind and polite. when i put her to bed tonight for no reason she said poo and started giggling like mad. i just gave her the look and said goodnight. i have lost count of the number of times i have heard kids from her class say poo, kids think it is funny. saying people smelled was part of the show that your bought your child to and everyone was sitting there laughing and having a great time. how is he then supposed to know that there is one rule for him and another for everyone else?

My mum used to go off the rails if I embarrassed her when I was little. Unfortunately, when you're little, you don't know your behaviour is going to be embarrassing until it's done. I never acted out on purpose, I was just crushed for breaking social rules I didn't know existed (much like your perfectly normal 4 year old son). Everything from "how dare you say that to X" to "How dare you put your elbows on the table in this particular restaurant!".

On one memorable day when I was your sons age, I had the bollocking of a lifetime (along with threats to sell the family pets) because I was "walking wrong". No doubt my "walking wrong" was grievous to my mother, but I didn't have a fucking clue what she was on about and I'm sure your son felt the same when he was punished for joining in the banter with the entertainer.

Lucky for me I had a Dad and an older brother who stepped in when she was being irrational. Lets just say there is a reason I get on really well with my Dad and brother and yet don't really trust my Mum as far as I can throw her.

Your DH isn't going to have much relationship with his son if he considers the poor lad to be nothing more than an extension and reflection upon himself, as opposed to the small child that he actually is.

This has made me really sad. Your child's eyes light up at the prize, he sits and behaves impeccably throughout, he is over the moon to have his good behaviour rewarded by winning the prize. He decides to show his appreciation to the entertainer with a bit of banter, of the kind which moments earlier had been getting some laughs. This was him relating to the entertainer.
What happened next is horrible and incomprehensible to that child, and indeed to us on this forum.
Poor kid. Do not kill his spirit, he sounds lovely. Joining in a game in the park is surely to be encouraged too?
We don't always get it right, and when we don't, we should admit it. I do believe that if we respect our children, they respect us too.

Your poor son. Can't imagine how bad your husband will be when he is a teenager if he is like this with a 4 year old. So sad. You should be sticking up for your son.

One of the saddest OPs I've ever read.

It just gets worse.

Please don't come here again and ask for opinions about 'disciplining' your son.

Come and ask for help about how to stand up to your controlling husband.

By the way - your holiday is already unpleasant. How much worse can it get?

Way ott. I feel so sad reading this - poor ds!

He won't behave well if when he does his prize is taken away!

Hey Ladies take heart..................

We are halfway through half term, this troll will be gone soon.

FIL is picking up - still in hospital but on the mend against all odds. Dh is perhaps more stressed than usual although know that's not an excuse.

Party not cancelled. Ds is 5 this coming week.

Sorry but your dh sounds a complete arsehole.

You are clearly scared of him, as you don't want to make the holiday worse, so you toe the line and let your child suffer.

You are both his parents, you both decide what happens, so grow a pair and sort this out, or you are going to be very very unhappy for a very long time.

No, this 4 year old won't remember it.

I can remember such moments of being a playful 4-year-old and then suddenly being crushed for breaking a rule I didn't know existed as clearly as if it happened yesterday.

Not a troll, been on mn for quite a while - penis beaker, cutted up pear, Sharon etc

Poor kid. How mean. He's only 4.

Is your husband in the military, Hanging? I am guessing he spends or has spent very little time around young children in his life.

Would he be open to taking a parenting class with you? I think he could really benefit from learning more about child development and appropriate expectations. It is hard if it is your first child and you have not had any contact with young children to understand what can be expected in terms of self-control and social boundaries at different ages.

Take a look at this website Love and Logic and see what you think. Having had a stricter, fear-based upbringing myself that squashed my confidence I wanted to do something different with my DS. I noticed I was getting stressed with his behavior in public too and worrying more about what other people thought about me than what was right for him. This parenting course helped me realize that what we see as minor discipline can actually be very harsh to a young child. It also helped me to understand that 'acting up' is usually just a way of the child to communicate a need and due to their young age they don't always communicate it in a way that adults understand. It's a US course as I'm in the US so not sure if it's in the UK but maybe there is a local equivalent.

I think your little boy sounds lovely and confident and full of energy. It would be such a shame to repress that because your DH has issues with shame. You should trust your gut more with your son and if something feels harsh to you, then it probably is.

OP...

My DS is tall. At 3 he looked like a 6 year old. I spent a long time learning that how I felt about the way others looked at me when he was being three was my problem.

Both my children have issues and both can be very challenging, especially in public as being out in the world is stressful for them. I spend half my life fretting about the way the world perceives me as a parent and the other half telling myself nobody actually cares tha much.

I have made mistakes when dealing with my children, we all do, but I am able to say 'Sorry DS/DD Mummy as wrong when she.......'

I think you were way OTT. Your poor wee boy.

I'm sad to say I wish you were a troll.

Please think about what I have said.

You say that if you go against your husband, and give DS the money back, it will make the holiday worse. Worse for whom? For you? In which case, are you allowing your son to take the brunt of your husband's actions, to protect yourself?

Will your son grow up learning that he needs to protect you from Daddy's anger, by bearing it himself?

This made me tear up. Thinking about his sadness being dragged away without his prized balloon.
Poor little guy. I hope he gets his dinosaur set and is thrilled and puts this behind him.

I can say though, coming from a background with an agressive,over reacting parent, stuff like this doesn't go forgotten.

Some questions OP.
Does your Dh bully you?
Are you afraid of him?
Do you stand up for your Ds if your Dh is in the wrong?
Is keeping your Dh happy more important than your Ds's well being?
Is life a bit more 'pleasant' when your Dh isn't around?
Obviously you don't have to answer here, but please give these questions some thought.

I wish you were a troll too.

No way could I stand by and watch my OH treat my DS so appallingly without ripping him a new one. Parenting should be equal and not one parent having such a heavy and negative hand.

Are you seriously saying that you can't call him out on his disgraceful treatment of a 4 year old for fear of how he will react?? If you are then you have far more to worry about than a spirited pre-schooler.

Oh and the others are right. He WILL remember. I remember being 4.

Just read some of your other posts.
I think you have a lot on your plate at the moment:
Ivf
fil ill
Being out of work and feeling as though you are "leeching of your dh"
Being a qualified primary school teacher struggling to get work as a ta.

I think you are low on confidence and need support from your dh.
I would be surprised if you get it though. I think he is a big part of the problem.