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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have taken ds's prize off him for bad behaviour?

446 replies

Hangingwiththeraisingirls · 27/05/2014 18:27

Not sure if we were too harsh or not harsh enough!
Ds is 4, nearly 5, and we are away on holiday atm. We've been to a theme park today and there was a magic / entertainment show for the children.

The man started by saying he'd got a balloon animal to give at the end to the child he saw watching nicely and taking part the best. It was a lovely one, a big dinosaur made of quite a lot of balloons. Ds's eyes lit up and he sat all the way through, shouting out when told to, doing the actions etc.
The entertainer chose several children to take part. He teased these children, telling them they had stinky feet, were ugly, smelt like socks etc.
ds thought this hilarious.

At the end the entertainer chose ds for the balloon dinosaur. Ds leapt up on stage thrilled, had his picture taken and then unfortunately said to the entertainer 'you smell too, you smell like poo' he said it about twice before dh managed to get to him and tell him to stop it! Dh then gave the balloon back to the entertainer telling ds he had been too naughty for it and dragged off a wailing ds. He also has taken away half his holiday pocket money (£5) and told him he now won't be able to buy the dinosaur set he had his eye on.

I'm not sure if this was ott. Ds was rude but I think he was trying to play along and at 4 is unfortunately obsessed with poo.
Otoh ds needs to learn what's appropriate and what's not and both dh and I were mortified.

Were we unreasonable? It did spoil the day tbh.

OP posts:
Fullpleatherjacket · 27/05/2014 21:34

Lord almighty.

Tell your dh sometimes as a parent it's just as important to admit you were wrong or acted too hastily. It doesn't set a precedent. Just a good example.

thebodylovesspring · 27/05/2014 21:36

You sound scared op and he sounds a bully.

Is there anyone you can get to talk to your dh? He's totally wrong.

Asheth · 27/05/2014 21:36

If i was in the audience i would have found your ds hilarious giving the rude entertainer a taste of his own medicine!

Your DH was way ott and he is the only one i would have judged.

PaulinesPen · 27/05/2014 21:36

Tbh the money wouldn't have meant a thing to my dc at 4.

CrystalSkulls · 27/05/2014 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2014 21:38

Dh says he can't have the money because it's important to stick to what we have said otherwise ds will never think we mean what we say but that we will get him dinosaurs.
He does not think he was too harsh

It is important to apologise and repair when you get it wrong. Your DH needs to grow up and you need to do the right thing and not support his bad behaviour adults having temper tantrums and not backing down is bad behaviour.

He was not only harsh but wrong and he has unrealistic expectations

CrystalSkulls · 27/05/2014 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiverTam · 27/05/2014 21:41

gosh your last post is very sad, OP. Does everything have to always go your H's way? Why on earth should your holiday become unpleasant if you disagree about something - does he sulk? Turn nasty?

The more I hear of your H the worse he sounds, I'm afraid. And I am afraid now, for both you and your DS.

SanityClause · 27/05/2014 21:41

Ask yourself this, OP.

If you don't stick up for your DS, are you effectively using him a a human shield? Your DS gets the bullying from your husband, and so you get off scott free?

Hulababy · 27/05/2014 21:41

The money wasn't your DH's money to take away. He owes your son it back.

Your DH is seriously over reacting. He is acting like a sulky child in not being able to see what HE has done is wrong and he is setting his child a very bad example here.

I still can't get over that he didn't speak to his little boy for 5 minutes because he needed to calm down. Sorry, but that is ridiculous behaviour and a serious over reaction. How on earth will he cope when your child gets older and really pushes the boundaries?!

You need to speak to your husband about his reactions and make him realise he is being ott and needs to calm down a lot.

Yes, your little boy was cheeky. But he has seen a grown man, the entertainer, do exactly the same thing he did. He was copying. It is what 4 year olds do. Heck, its how they learn.

A simple apology from you, as his parents, to the entertainer and a quiet chat to your little one about being polite and saying thank you is all that was needed.

Will a 4 year old remember any of this? Hard to say. But yes, children are very able to remember events that happened when thy were 4y.

Roussette · 27/05/2014 21:41

If you agree with us and I hope in the name of all that is holy, you do, you say you do - if that's the case stand up to your DH and stand up for your DS.

I worry that your DH will cold shoulder your DS for the rest of the holiday.

AnyoneforTurps · 27/05/2014 21:42

OP, if you are afraid to contradict your DH, you need to get out of this relationship - for your own sake as well as your DS. Your DH sounds controlling and capable of emotional abuse.

I'm not suggesting anyone can judge a relationship from a single incident, but I am concerned for you. Controlling behaviour can start insidiously and be difficult to recognise - it creeps up on you. Please think carefully about whether your relationship is a healthy one.

It is perfectly normal for parents to disagree about discipline but it is not normal for one to feel unable to contradict the other and to support him even when she feels he is wrong, at the expense of her DC.

iklboo · 27/05/2014 21:42

Your DH does realise that the other parents will probably be talking about you & your DH and how YOU looked / behaved, rather than your DS, doesn't he?

Roussette · 27/05/2014 21:44

Hulababy it wasn't 5 minutes, it was 15 minutes.

PaulinesPen · 27/05/2014 21:44

What will happen to make the holiday more unpleasant?

TheFairyCaravan · 27/05/2014 21:47

Hanging I've got 2 boys aged 19&17 who I have a great relationship with. DH and I haven't got it right all the time, who has? But one of the most important things I have found is it is incredibly important to admit you have got it wrong to your children when you have, and to apologise. You don't lose respect for doing this, you gain it!

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 27/05/2014 21:47

Why doesn't your dh call the grandparents who gave ds the money and ask their opinion?

And your dh needs to give them back that money because it isn't his to keep.

If I had given a child holiday spends and the parents had taken it as a punishment I would be furious. It is not your stick vk

Hulababy · 27/05/2014 21:48

Rousette - I meant to type 15 minutes (didn't preview before hitting post)

Openupyoureyes · 27/05/2014 21:49

Op at what point did you and DH praise DS for the good behaviour (watching nicely and taking part the best) that won him the dinosaur in the first place?

I think you should show your DH this thread, or at least read it out to him. He sounds a vile husband and a vile father. My heart aches for your DS.

Roussette · 27/05/2014 21:49

Ooops sorry Hula Smile

Dancergirl · 27/05/2014 21:50

Tell your dh sometimes as a parent it's just as important to admit you were wrong or acted too hastily. It doesn't set a precedent. Just a good example

Yes exactly. When I've made a mistake or overreacted I feel really guilty afterwards and always apologise to my dc. It doesn't make you lose face, it makes your dc realise you are human and have the decency to admit a mistake.

OP, why don't you show your dh this thread?

starlight1234 · 27/05/2014 21:50

So Gparents gave him money..is this the money been taken off him?

Boundaries are great for kids but an important part of parenting is learning when you are wrong. Saying sorry when you are..This is also important modelling for your DS.

Never mind the toys I would also go out and buy him a helium balloon to say sorry.

I also think you need to have a look at your relationship..Dad's opinion does not trump yours.

slithytove · 27/05/2014 21:50

That was your sons money, not pocket money you have halved as you originally led us to believe. Give it him back.

You need to show your DH this thread. Is he abusive to you?

Do you realise the way he is treating DS is abusive, and right now you are complicit in it for an easier life. He is 4. He needs you to be his advocate.

Would you stop DH hitting DS? Because emotional abuse can be just as damaging.

onetiredmummy · 27/05/2014 21:58

Your dh needs to give the money back to the grandparents and explain why your ds was not allowed to spend it.

I reckon if the op shows the dh this thread, feck all will change as he is the type of man who will become entrenched in his first opinion and will not move no matter what. It will then be the op's fault somehow and she will get ignored as well. He clearly makes the rules and everybody else is expected to see his great wisdom and dare not argue with it.

We have a word for this on mn op, its called a red flag. There will be more of them in your relationship I'm certain of it.

I'm going to bed now but the offer remains to talk about your dh on the relationships board .

Don't show him this thread, make sure he doesn't know your password and keep your mumsnetting secret just in case you need our advice on leaving him, in the future.

PaulinesPen · 27/05/2014 21:58

Not speaking to a 4 yr old for 15 minutes is what? Silent treatment as punishment? I grew up with that. It is a very damaging way for a parent to behave and has left a lot of Sad memories for me that at 50 I still have difficulty understanding. I would urge your dh not to react like that.