to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

Did you adopt? :) I wouldn't be approved for adoption due to having no family support, so this isn't an avenue I can explore.

As I said up-thread ( on rubbish phone) the donation is anonymous, but you can find out masses about the father.

Genetics as far as great grandparents. Any health problems, even down to hay fever. Interests that the family have, hobbies...

With these snippets, it is possible to build a mini profile, it is also possible to know where certain traits come from:)

This way, much more is known than a 'one night stand'

It is really really expensive if it things don't come together first time. :)

And that annoys me too, that you can be ruled out for having no family support for adoption when plenty of people get pregnant and have their own despite having no family support.

But then plenty of people give more thought to buying a car or dog than they do to having a child.

Do plenty of research is all I will say. Speak to people who have been through the same scenario. The fact that you are thinking about it rather than just doing it already places you in the bracket of "likely to be a very good parent" in my book.

Thank you. I'm not 100% sure adoption would be quite right for me, anyway.

As a single parent, I would obviously need to work full time so we could eat, and pay bills! Adopted children need a lot of support.

I'd be unlikely to get a young child. As noted above, I don't want a baby for a baby but I do want to experience milestones.

I would like to experience pregnancy, birth and breastfeed, if possible.

I work in a related field and to an extent to adopt myself would be a little too much like bringing work home with me.

I am not saying 'don't do it' - just don't think of it as having a baby because after a mere 24 months you have a person with decided views of their own. If you are thinking of it then think of having the child and the teenager.

honeykitten I'm sorry you have had so many negative comments particularly along the lines of 'how sad it will be for the child not to know its father' as I said above I never knew mine, I know almost nothing about him except his name and that he told my mum he didn't want anything to do with me when she was pregnant. To be honest this is actually hurtful to hear as a child (although now I really don't care). Any child you might have would know how much you wanted them and that you actually had to work to get them. They would also know that no one abandon them and that their family was always meant to be as it is and is complete. Nuclear family are really not the only norm now at all.

Not having a father is not a damaging scenario if the mother is a good and loving mother. I'm not saying there won't be times when questions are asked or when they might be envious of friends who have a father but in my experience that isn't long lasting or damaging and my mum always worked so hard to be everything I needed I never felt like i missed out and we have always been very close. There are so many scenarios where children don't know their fathers and in my experience just not having one (as in the case of anonymous sperm donor) is much better than when there is no contact on purpose or because of another issue. Iykwim.

I still think that if it's what you want you should do your research and go for it. Some people might judge but to be honest I really think that every family out there are being judged by someone for something or another. There are always people who will judge.

Hth

Fertile hetero couples who want a baby don't seem to get told they should adopt because there are ' so many children already here in need of a loving family 'Adoption is a different thing altogether and you do it because you want to adopt. If you want to experience being pregnant and having a biological child and you physically can, then I think adoption is a red herring.

As for the father question. My now teenaged dss have many many friends without father figures. One was a donor sperm baby, one was the result of a ONS, two are dcs of a lesbian couple, several are the children of dads who left when the marriage broke up and didn't have it in them to be a decent separated parent. Of all these children, the two who seem deeply affected and unhappy about their lack of a father figure are the boy who's dad moved in with another woman round the corner and now has a new replacement family and a second boy who's mum has never ever discussed his origins with him at all (she's told me about fleeing his alcoholic dad when she was pregnant but not him . ) Those kids that know the story of their creation and that they are truly loved and wanted by their mums are wonderful , secure, happy and balanced people.

Who is in your life is not as important as how they are in your life.

And FWIW, I would have done it if I was in your situation and sometimes wish I had

I don't think the OP was 'having a go', she was raining a valid point in response to other posts.
Re:info on donors, one of the reasons we went to Denmark was the amount of info available. We have about 80 pages, including 4 generation health history, personality traits of donor and relatives, handwritten message, a photograph, personality profile test results, an audio interview etc.

I should read this and not just the start- read it all. It is donor babies who are now adults and I assume it is anonymous so that they can put their true feelings without upsetting parents.
I know it was thought to start with that there was no need to know- it was just sperm. They had to really fight for the right to know their father and where they came from- it matters to them.

I have just read most of the way down it and it bears out my gut feelings.
It is easy peasy with the baby and gets more difficult as they get older- and you cannot look at that baby and know what they will think when they are 20, 30, 40 etc. They may not even feel they can be honest with you if they love you- the reason for it being anonymous. It is pointless asking the mother with the baby or toddler- where everything in the garden is lovely- you need to know the ones with 30/40 yr olds born with donated sperm.

Op I've brought ds up alone since birth and it is really very hard. I cut off his dad for many reasons and while this was right, I do frequently feel guilt. Ds was unplanned but I'd never knowingly have a child in a single parent family. Ds often cries at not knowing his dad and it's heart breaking. It's not about whether you want a child or not, it's about what's best for the child.

I'm amazed by the negative comments. I think children with one parent only particularly where that is by choice can do better not worse than children born in marriage.

I don't agree about older children at all. Babies are cute and lovely and those of us who have worked full time whilst we have babies (and indeed parents at home) know they are very hard work. As they get older it gets easier and easier and I adore having two teenagers. The fact their father has chosen not to be part of their lives is fine for all of us , genuinely - I am not making it up. It makes things a lot simpler and I earn enough to keep us on one income pretty well. Their older siblings too were much better after their father left.

I never felt guilt at all. You are giving life. To be genetically connected to the child in my view is very important. I would only have adopted if every other option were denied me.

Be totally honest with the child. Those I know who have have been single parents by choice have ensured the child has always known and then it is just normal. Given half the marriages on mumsnet will break up I think anyone suggesting their is some nirvana within married parenthood is just wrong. I would also say keep your focus on your career, take a short maternity leave if you can, get the childcare sorted out before you give birth ( I did) and then it all works fine.

I agree Janet. I have 2 teens and I have genuinely found it the best parenting stage so far. In fact I've found that each year since birth has got easier than the last and I loved having babies.

Floozey I don't think I agree that it's not about whether you want a child . I think it's exactly about wanting a child. Children who are born because they are wanted fare miles than children who aren't wanted. I really don't believe anyone has children for the good of the child. People have children because they want children, whether they're part of a couple or not. Stats show that by the age of 15 just under half of children in the UK don't live with both birth parents. So by your reckoning would it be best for pretty much half of the children in this country not to have been born? I guess not.

I know a fair amount of information about the donor. I have stuff that he has written saying he would be happy to be contacted in the future. The kids can get his contact details when they are 18. Anonymous donors are no longer allowed for regulated donation in the UK.

I have been telling my kids about it from the start, I have made them a book about how they came about and they love reading it. I intend to be entirely honest with them about everything.

The suggestion that we haven't thought about it is pretty offensive, the group of women that I know that have done this have thought about it far , far more than a hell of a lot of people that do it the "normal" way.

I didn't say that parenting teenagers was difficult-I liked that stage. My point was that by that age they will have their own opinions and they might not match yours. I don't think that all the donor stories should be ignored on my link, as if they don't count as long as the parent is happy!

Not so bad if they are told from the very first time that they can understand and they know that when they are adult they can meet their biological 'father', siblings, aunts etc and know where they come from and what made them. It is interesting that one of the older people on my link did her family history and found pictures on Ancestry that were like looking in a mirror.

I have read a lot of stuff about donor conceived adults. Some unhappy and some perfectly content. Of course there will be some who do have big issues with it, just as there will be children who have big issues with parents divorcing etc, but the common factor in most of them seems to be having stuff kept from them. Much like adoption, being open and honest from the very beginning seems to be a lot better for the child.

Watch Project Cyro if you can - really interesting documentary about a girl looking for her donor and meeting her half siblings (her donor was anonymous though). The siblings have a mix of single parents, lesbian parents and hetrosexual parents. Most of the kids were okay with it, but a couple had some issues - interestingly they were the ones with the hetrosexual parents and a Dad figure. It seemed to be because they felt guilt and split loyalties and in some cases the Dad had their own issues with not being the biological father.

This is a small sample size, so perhaps we can't take too much from it, but there isn't that much research on the subject. Interesting though:

www.singlemothersbychoice.org/2013/07/13/most-kids-ok-with-sperm-donor-origins/

My point was that you will have the range and some will be fine and some won't. You can't look at your baby and know how they will feel which is the very reason I didn't go ahead when I would have liked to.
I don't think it is so much the teenager-I think it is more difficult as they get to adults for some.

Children are also likely to love the parent and say what they want to hear. I thought my link to the anonymous responses was interesting because no one knew who they were so they were free to be honest.

Well of course that's the case, but that will be the same for all issues and decisions that are made throughout a child's life, whether you are alone or as a couple, surely? Teenagers have all sorts of issues, none of us can predict if or when they will by looking them as a baby.

I don't think YABU at all OP. I know a couple of women who were late thirties who become pregnant on ONSs. They had their babies as they wanted to be mothers. They are both outstanding mums and have very happy children (one is 4 years old, one 11 years old). Becoming pregnant like this is not thought out at all but all is well now, but the OPs situation shows she is putting thought into this even if it's not a conventional route.

As she says, she is a lesbian anyway so her child would not have a father figure even if she did have a partner.

Fast forward to the baby in question being a teenager, family is going to be a very very different concept. There will be many children with two mums, two dads, or the result of sperm donation. It will not be so unusual for this child and he or she may very well not be asking after a daddy. Who knows? But why should the OP remain childless if she would like to be a mother?

OP, do you have any male friends that might act as a male figure in the child's life? Not that I think it matters, but just a thought.

Betty, that wasn't really my point. The focus in these situations always seems to be on the parents' need for kids, without consideration for how the children conceived in these situations will feel. That's why that link provided by another poster is particularly interesting, as it isn't an essay from an infertile person about how their life has been made complete by having a kid, it's from the children's perspectives. That often seems to get lost here. And I don't think any parents who say "Oh it's simpler without a dad" or "oh it's fine, they don't miss what they don't have", can say that with definite assurance, as they're not their children, they don't really know what goes on inside their kids' heads.

And there is a massive difference between a kid living apart one of their parents and having contact, and knowing nothing at all about them/not seeing them.

In the case of my ds, I am at least able to keep in touch with his paternal relatives, we have managed to track down his half sister, he has seen pictures of his father. Even with all of that, it is still extremely tough on him not having his dad in his life. I can't see why anyone would knowingly choose to inflict that on a child.

The focus in these situations always seems to be on the parents' need for kids, without consideration for how the children conceived in these situations will feel.

Utterly, utterly untrue, me and everyone I know that has done the same thinks about it all the time.