to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

I think it is quite different from other issues which is why I didn't go ahead.
I am not saying OP shouldn't, but I think that everyone at least ought to read my link, even if they go ahead-it at least shows the pitfalls to avoid.

As someone who had to raise a child without a father I was very relieved to be able to explain that it wasn't my choice, because there is nothing to say that he would have agreed with my choice.

Growing up without your father due to death or divorce in no way compares to being conceived through donor sperm where not even your mother knew who he was and he played no role in the moment of your conception, be it a brief moment of drunken passion or the result of a great love affair...beyond selling his sperm to make a fast buck.

It's pretty insulting to link the two and I think some posters are missing the point entirely.

Hi OP, I am in a same sex partnership and we have 2 DC via IUI with donor sperm. The oldest knows how she was conceived and all about the kind man who helped us to make her. We have a great book from the donor conception website and she loves reading it.

I say go for it! You will always get people who don't agree with your choices in life, but they are YOUR choices to make so do what is right for you. Having children is the best thing I've done, and I would have had a child if I was single too. Good luck and feel free to PM me.

I think the point being made toffeemoon is that DC kids will grow up not knowing anything different whereas children who lose a parent to death or divorce suffer a wrenching loss.

I understand the distinction very well since my father left us and it was the loss of him (and his rejection of us) that was so difficult, not the absence of him iyswim.

I always knew who he was and where he was and he has been a big part of my life despite all that happened. I don't underestimate that at all. But I also don't underestimate the grief that children suffer when a parent leaves or dies - and it's very different to the painful thinking they have to go through as they work through the fact that they never had such a person in their lives in the first place.

Incidentally, these days all DC children can trace their donors and from what I've read about it, they are frequently mainly in search of biological information and the click of registering a genetic connection with someone. That covers a huge range I'm sure and is no doubt hugely emotionally important - but they tend not to be seeking a father.

Go for it! Many babies are brought into this world in relationships that then go sour (speak from experience).

Being a single mum is tough, I was from day one but you can do it. The most important thing is that the baby will be safe, secure and mostly loved. All of which you seem more than capable of.

Best of luck to you xx

I am sure it is lovely for the parents, I am sure that children like the books and the stories etc. My worry is the adult. Maybe some of you have not got to about 40yrs yet-the sort of age where people find identity etc more important than they did when younger. The girl I know sailed through life with a loving family, until she got to 27yrs of age.

Thanks for comments. They are interesting and certainly given me food for thought.

In many ways, whether I am in a relationship or not, it would come down to using donor sperm. So I genuinely wonder, those who's issue appears to be with the child "not knowing where they came from" if they would have an issue if I was in a relationship - with a woman? I don't mind either way: people are obviously entitled to think whatever they want - but as a gay woman, you can see that I know other gay women who have babies and who are perfectly normal, happy, stable families.

Perhaps I'm expressing my point clumsily, but the fact is we can't make everything perfect for a child, can we? Only the things within our control ... I can't control who I am, as in my heart of hearts, that's gay! And I could wait and see if I met a lady - but it sounds like the people who are voicing objections would object anyway.

I find that interesting, as I don't know if people would have made similar responses if I'd done an "AIBU to have a baby with my girlfriend?"

What I'm saying is, is it being single, or using donated sperm?

Donor sperm is a valid and acceptable means to having a family. It is used primarily by same sex and single women but also by husband/wives who have no sperm count, or if there is the danger of passing on a hereditary disease. I can't imagine anyone objecting to that scenario, somehow.

As with most things it is how you deal with it. No huge surprises, just matter of fact - you were loved, wanted and this is how you came into the world.

Two parents is the convention but I am honestly surprised that those "anti" here seem to have a problem with the idea of donor sperm rather than me being alone? Do you also have issues with blood donations? Kidney transplants? I bet you don't! :)

Delphiniums, I lost my mum and dad as a teenager - that obviously wasn't planned! But luckily I wasn't brought up knowing I had a right to a perfect life but how to deal with issues, upsets and problems effectively and calmly; and they were just very normal people, not geniuses or anything!

I'd fully expect, lesbian or single, a child to ask questions about their father, and I would answer them fully and honestly. Whether that would be enough remains to be seen of course, but the same is true of practically anything you care to mention really!

I suppose I believe that children should be born wanted (not planned, necessarily!) and when here, be loved and cared for. Who does the loving and caring - in terms of gender - I just don't think it makes a difference!

I think you are missing my point honeykitten. Apart from telling people to read my link- from beginning to end (you get the whole range on there-some are perfectly happy)-I will leave you to it.
At least the link will show that they must be told from the start and they must know they can find the donor, even if they don't want to meet. They may well want to know who their great, great grandmother is one day -the same as anyone else -and not just half the picture.

I'm not missing your point, I don't think - you've certainly made it a few times now, which essentially appears to be that a child needs to know where they came from and that children born from donated sperm can feel unhappy at this and as if they lack some sort of identity.

In response,though, I have pointed out that this appears to be an issue with donated sperm (which I would need to use to have a child relationship or not) and not with my being single.

If I have misunderstood I apologise but that seems the gist from your posts here, and I am therefore wondering if you feel same sex couples should not be allowed to have children?

"I am therefore wondering if you feel same sex couples should not be allowed to have children?"

Of course, quite a few same-sex couples use a known donor; might this be an option for you? There used to be a lovely series in the Guardian Family section about a shared parenting arrangement consisting of a gay male couple and a single woman friend.

I think there's nothing wrong with having a child with a donor as a single parent, and wish you every luck with this, but I agree with Delphiniums that the donor should not be anonymous.

In fact, I think it is beyond selfish, even cruel, to knowingly & deliberately create a child that will never be able to find out anything about half of its parentage.

Well, it may be a possibility - all donors are "known" to an extent due to current laws, but I do understand what you mean! :)

I wouldn't be doing anything until possibly February/march at the earliest for an autumn/winter 2015/2016 baby. So time to sort these things. I'm not keen in the idea of shared parenting though: I think you'd need to know someone well and have a lot of trust which I wouldn't have in an "online" relationship - it would have to be someone I knew extremely well from "real life" and I don't know anybody who fits the bill as it were.

Current laws do not allow for selfish cruelty, then, you will be pleased to hear.

(As an aside, I included that information in my opening post just so that I wouldn't be accused of one night stands whereby I tricked a stranger into parenting my child - I would do it safely and legally. I didn't realise that made me selfish or cruel. I shall have to tell my lesbian friends with twins of their selfish cruelty next time I see them .)

Wow, why so defensive?

I stand by my position - to deliberately deprive a child of the possibility of ever finding out about their parentage IS selfish and cruel - IMO.

Do you disagree with that view? Your response rather suggests that you do...

Further, 'current laws' may not allow for it in this country, but it is well known that many people who avail themselves of fertility treatment choose to do so in other countries - where different rules apply.

I honestly think that you should go for it if it's what you really want.

I completely agree that in a "ideal" world all children would have lovely disney families with 2 parents, siblings a dog and a cat.

We don't live in an ideal world. I fell pregnant by accident to someone who didn't want to be with me or have a baby with me. By the time I found out I was pregnant he had gone.

I wrangled with my conscience about whether I would be selfish to bring the child into a less than perfect situation but I did it anyway.

in the beginning it was hard to tell people that I was on my own. I felt quite ashamed really. 8 years on and about 50% of her friends are also in "less than perfect" families. Her dad changed his mind about her (not me) when she was born and sees her a lot. His involvement is the hardest thing about parenting her!

We know kids with 2 mums, kids who were adopted at later ages (so remember their birth parents), IVF kids and also kids who don't know and never will know their fathers.

You may not have many friends to help you now, but once you have the child, you will meet like minded people. Not everyone will understand, but the very fact that you have lesbian friends with children means you are starting somewhere!

I am defensive because of your word choice - "deny" "selfish" "cruel" is deliberately inflammatory.

I am defensive because I have friends in this position, with healthy and happy children, who I take exception to being called selfish and cruel.

I am defensive because I believe many of the comments here relating to issues with donated sperm are not remotely relevant to my situation, as a single woman, and instead are issues with those who have a baby in a family setup that doesn't consist of a man and a woman.

The sperm is not the child's "parent". The birth certificate doesn't see it as such, and neither does the law. Nor will any sensible woman raising a child see it as such - and given the cost of fertility treatment, most single and/or gay women using it are sensible, highly educated and professional.

I found your post, not your opinion, offensive.

Apologies; cross post.

Best of luck to you and your little girl:)

OP my objections aren't linked to your sexuality, I don't care about that, in my situation DS would certainly be better off with two loving mums than just me, but that wouldn't alter the fact that there is a hole in a life where his dad is.

My objections are of knowingly depriving a child of the right to know both of their biological parents, you can't escape the fact. It isn't homophobia dressed up, it's just a biological fact.

Good luck to you.Helen off The Archers did it 3 years ago and it was fine. < kid's a brat though > I'm sure yours will be lovely.

I don't think having a child via a sperm donor is selfish or cruel, but as you can see (especially if you read through the Anonymous Us link) it is a big responsibility and can cause a LOT of issues. Even if the child isn't negatively affected in the long term you'll have to deal with a lot of ignorance/hostility in people you encounter. You'll need to prepare really well, and that includes not being massively defensive to anyone who queries your motives.

But floozey, and at the risk of going around in endless circles - my point is that same sex couples have to access sperm from somewhere, as indeed do straight couples who cannot use the male's sperm for whatever reasons.

There are options including known donors, of course, but these situations can get extremely difficult and fraught. It's a lovely option, of course, if you happen to have it, but if you do not, you don't.

No one, under UK law at least, will deny a child the right to know about his or her roots in terms of sperm/egg donations. I do not plan on going abroad and as such it is an irrelevant point.

The most dangerous thing a woman can do in terms of a child's upbringing is not to "deny them of their parent" but try to provide a parent - and move an unrelated male into the house. Yet women begin relationships with men who are not their child's father constantly and this is not subjected to scrutiny. However, two women (or men) or a single woman, are.

I shall hide this thread now - I do think there is a lot of thinly-veiled prejudice, not specifically related to lesbians but rather to non-conventional families, and same sex couples are part of this.

Mooncup - things can be private without being a secret.

I'm sure you don't tell everyone you meet about how your DCs were conceived so why assume I would!

I don't have any DCs, but my lesbian friends with a known donor and my single friend who has donor-conceived DCs are all very open and honest about it, and I can't help thinking that this is to the advantage of everyone concerned.