to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

So just to be devils advocate for a moment....

...those of you who ahve done it, or have friends who have done it, what did you tell the DC when they were old enough to be curious about their fathers? How did they react?

So many thoughts, none of which will go down all, but you did ask...

1. I know someone (quite well) who did this. Her child is now 3 and asks her constantly about his daddy, for which she has no response. He came on a playdate recently and started calling DH "Daddy", which seemed a bit sad. Clearly she should have thought this aspect through, presumably you would.

1. My personal opinion on the ethics of it are that is is morally dubious to create human life in this way. Can you imagine if the child looks nothing like you? His/her face would be a constant reminder of the stranger whose sperm you bought and with whom you now have this weird, anonymous, yet huge life-changing bond with. I also think it is unfair to deliberately deny a child a father (or mother, for that matter - looking at you Elton John).

1. Mid-thirties is not the last-chance saloon.

1. Parenting small children is very hard. Harder than you can possibly know until you're there - and lonely at times. I frequently think "How much tougher would this be if I were on my own?".

yambabe you ensure that you tell the child from a young age (in an age appropriate way) so that it is something they have always known and there is no big 'reveal'.

And I think it is a positive story for them. They have been born of two people who really wanted them to exist.

There was a very interesting bun fight thread on here only a few weeks back about egg donation. If only that thread had the same positive views as donor sperm

There are many people with toffeemoons views and opinions. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, however being prepared for not all friends being supportive of your decision.

Op - It's an interesting roller coaster to go on: IVF, getting pregnant, birth, parenting etc and absolutely exhausting fulfilling . There are age appropriate books you can purchase (we have The Pea that was me, an egg donation story) and you can tell the child over time so it is normal for them.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2069188-Why-wouldnt-you-donate-eggs?pg=1&order=

I am 36 and single and 7 weeks pregnant via IUI and donor sperm. I'm over the moon! Excited and terrified in equal measure of course. I did an enormous amount of soul searching and research before I went ahead, and am lucky to have amazing support from my family who live very close by.

You should have the fertility investigations done no matter what, as just doing that gives you information and food for thought. My fertility in the long term wasn't good, so I decided to go for it.

There is a lot of support out there, but you have to do what is right for you.

Happy to give advice if you want to message me x

I have been in that position, thought of it and not done it. They are a baby for a very, very short time and once they are older they may not think the same as you about it.
Don't think of it as having a baby, think of having the child, the teenager.
I have brought up a child without a father, he died before he knew him and that was hard enough - at least he knew it wasn't my choice. It is very hard when a child is crying for a father, is desperate for you to find him one and latches on to anyone else's father and follows them around like a shadow.
Why not adopt, there are so many children already in the world who are desperate for a loving parent?

YANBU - i have a friend who has done this. But make sure you have lots and lots and LOTS of family and friend support around you. The other single mums I know (ie relationship breakup) would not have chosen to do it on their own, even though of course they wouldn't be without their DC for anything!!!

My friend who has had the baby solo by choice has moved back in with her parents, which I think is very sensible.

I know someone who has done it; she loved being pregnant and is so happy with her new baby, and will be a wonderful mother, able to give her baby a good secure life and a lot of love. If you are in a financially secure position then i would go for it!

The baby is easy. It is once they are walking and talking, and have their own opinions, that it is difficult- more so when they get to teenagers and judge you! They are a baby for what seems like a blink of an eye, they are a teenager for a lot longer!
When you look at the baby you have no idea what you have! So much is nature. Even things like gestures, handwriting are nature and not nurture.
If it was just having a baby I would say go for it- but ask yourself 'do I want to have a teenager alone?' because that is what you will be doing.

Rather than looking at people who have done it with babies, and think it wonderful, you should try and find stories of those with adult children who have done it.

Teenagers and adults don't always view the mother's ideas of security and love as enough. They may do, they may not- it is a gamble.

I am seeing far more negative comments above than I see in real life with the people I know.

50% of the women on the thread who are married will divorce so their children anyway will be in a home probably just with a mother and may or may not see much of their father - my children's father chooses virtually never to see ours. If you have a child by sperm donor you avoid the children ever seeing marital rows or violence and save the cost of a wedding and a divorce (plenty of women these days pay out to men on divorce) and it is very sexist to assume all children need someone with a penis around. Children do well in all kinds of situations and the absence of a father (although some sperm donor children's mothers marry later anyway or find a partner - on the Archers (Radio 4 at the moment) the lady who did it has moved in with a partner). The real life cases I know in London have worked out very well even when the children are older.

Just like the adopted children I knew when I was a child who were told how special and chosen they were there are plenty of ways to present this positively to the child. Anyway in many many schools these days large numbers of children are brought up without men around and often do better than children in families with a father at home.

I know someone who did this about 14 years ago and who dotes on her son. Unfortunately there have been issues throughout and they are really coming to a head now. As someone said upthread, there were constant questions from a young age as to "why don't I have a daddy?" and there is a world of difference in "daddy died" or "daddy left" to "I don't even know who daddy was because he was someone who just donated sperm" (OK not those precise words, but....)

The boy has been bullied at school and called "a bottle baby" and often refers to himself as a "freak". There have been many rows at home and he always throws it at her. She says she loves him and wanted him so much. He says he wishes he was normal and hates his mother for being so selfish as to do what she did and give him this life that he hates. I genuinely don't think it's going to get better for them.

PLEASE think very hard about this. While I do understand why so many people so go for it, the thought is always about what "I" want and I'm not sure enough people think about what it might be like for the child.

I have no family. This is very painful - it isn't something I chose, so I'd be very grateful if people could stop emphasising that I will need family support, as I don't have it!

I am a gay woman. I would be using donated sperm and not be able to offer the child a father figure anyway, in a relationship, although I assume that the people who have a problem with this would also have a problem with lesbians having a baby in a relationship?

This baffles me, as I know friends who have divorced and moved a new "daddy" in which has resulted in misery for the child. I know a lot of violent, abusive men, men who drink or gamble family money, men who are lazy and do nothing around the house.

Of course, I know lovely men as well - I'm just not sexually attracted to them! I want to be - it isn't easy being gay. That's part the reason I've left it so long as I've tried to convince myself and everyone around me I'm straight, but I can't do it!

I still don't know if I will do this or not but I do think it is sad some of you would deny two loving parents a chance to have a baby because of the mysterious need for a father figure, even though society just isn't set up like that any more.

It may well be fine. All I am saying is that it is a gamble and probably you haven't brought up a child absolutely desperate to have a father. At least I could say, and he could see, that it was not my choice.
All I am saying is don't think of it as a baby- that is easy- think of it as having a teenager. Which may be easy or may not be easy.

Someone said it's said the baby won't know its father.

I never knew or met mine. I am fine.

I would go for it.

Its sad. Not it's said.

Society isn't set up like that but my 3 yr old didn't know that. He wanted a father and it was sad to see how he latched on to other children's fathers.
You may have a child who doesn't feel like that- but you should be aware that you can't know what they will think when you look at the baby.

You also can't always tell- I know a woman who was easy as a child and teenager and on the surface looked fine but at 27 yrs she is having massive problems.

OP, you said: "I still don't know if I will do this or not but I do think it is sad some of you would deny two loving parents a chance to have a baby because of the mysterious need for a father figure, even though society just isn't set up like that any more."

I don't actually see where anyone has said this. You asked a question on a public forum and while the majority have clearly said go for it, some of us have experiences that are not so positive and it's surely right that you should hear and see all sides from which to make your decision? Interestingly, those who have expressed some form of caution have done so on the basis of the issues and problems we have seen with our own eyes for the CHILD. Surely it's about them as much (if not more) than it is about you - they don't have a choice?

The majority of these relationships presumably do work out fine, or we'd hear more about them. But don't have a go at people for simply answering your question with an answer you don't necessarily like.

I'm certainly not having a go, but I am pointing out that, for me, and other gay women, we will NEVER be able to offer a child a father figure.

Yes, people have stated they feel that this is necessary and that "buying" sperm is somehow morally reprehensible.

If people were to say they felt it was a bad idea because a child needed two parents, that would be one thing, but the above two points relate to same-sex couples as well as single women and therefore I am asking if people have issues with two women having a child, as well as one. The answer seems to be yes which has surprised me.

About the above comments.

Children acclimatise to their living situation and get used things so not having a dad will be he norm. Ensure you provide positive male role models though - this doesn't have to be a husband/relative but someone constant.

One child is not like having 3 children. After initially acclimatising to motherhood and getting over sleep deprivation, having one is manageable. It's easier to have a break too as people are more likely to do playdate swapping with one child.

re the father issue, you make sure the children know their story from as early as possible. The DCN resource books are good for this. I tell them I couldn't find a nice man to be your daddy so I chose to have you by myself and that means I had to use a donor - that's a nice man who helped us although we don't know him.

As time goes by (DD now 8) there are a few more questions but they are based on curiosity rather than "this is so unfair and horrible". My children really don't have a loss in their life because they never had a father to lose. I did, on the other hand, and having lost a parent (to divorce) as a child, I am glad my children will never experience that. Of course there will be sadness for them over the years as they watch other people's fathers attend football matches or teach them to ride a bike - but lots of people (including me) didn't have that. What they do have is a secure and loving mum who is giving them the best family life she can. I'm sure this will be thrown around as an issue in the teenage years but I think it's a question of respecting their feelings and hoping they grow to see the strengths in our family. I'm quite confident about this actually - we are a happy family.

I have no issue with two women having a child.

I think it a shame that so many people won't even consider adoption but have to have "their own" child when there are so many children who are already here and already in need of a loving family, whether that's a lone parent, a man and a woman, two men or two women.

Inevitably, as most issues of this nature are going to be children growing up without fathers, any negative experiences those of us see are likely to be of this type. It doesn't necessarily follow that we are saying WE disagree with a lone woman or two women having sperm donation. We are merely showing you potential problems that you do need to consider into your decision.