to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

My brother killed himself when he was 20, and I know that much of his depression was due to the pain of my father's disinterest. Although my parents divorced when we were 2 and 3, he remained a regular feature in our lives until our teens, when he stopped seeing us on the request of his 3rd wife, who disliked children. I truly believe my brother would have been better off if we'd never known who our father was. He'd probably still be alive. I know this is not what we're discussing, but I think it might put my actions into some context for those who think using donor conception is always wrong. There are many ways to be unhappy, and they often begin with the best of intentions. Life is unpredictable.

Tiny bit of the story? Self indulgent? Wow, that is harsh!

Grocklebox - is fighting for equal rights self indulgent? If so, then yes.

Would you say the same to an adopted person who wanted to know who their parents were?

For me, it's about more than my own personal situation though, it's about a whole money spinning industry depriving people of the things I've already gone into. As far as I'm concerned it is an ethical issue.

My DW would agree with all of that Jollyphonics. She had the most vile, toxic childhood you can imagine and her father was a sadistic bastard. She feels her life would have been infinitely happier if she'd never met him. As a result she doesn't agree with my reservations about using anonymous donors.

So it's ok to intentionally deny a child their father just in case he turns out to be a bastard?

A woman is allowed to make that choice for a child?

Writer frankly yes, I really do think that's okay. I can't see why anyone would have an issue with it. I am not of course in that position but as grockle, I think, said earlier, any child who enters this world hugely wanted, to parent(s) who can offer him or her a secure and loving home, is lucky.

Your intake of breath is sharp across this thread and I have noted how you've gone from "well it's up to you OP but I have some reservations" to "oh my goodness, donor conceived children, the poor little mites" in the last 24 hours. I wonder why that is.

I suggest some of you go over to the lesbian/gay parents board on here and tell the happy couples about how wrong they are. Or how about infertility - how about those using egg donors or sperm donors because theirs don't work too well?

I wonder why you're staying on a thread the OP left, concluding she would not have a baby.

I really am wondering that.

I cannot fathom how having had a crap father yourself means it's better for your own child not to have a father at all.

It's like saying you had a bad teacher, therefore you won't send your child to school.

grocklebox aren't we constantly reminded of a woman's inalienable right to give brth to her own child, no matter what? Int that partof the same culture of entitlement?

I'm not saying I think that Writer, I'm saying it's a pov expressed by my DW and I can understand, given her experiences, why she feels like that.

YANBU - I'd do it if I hadn't found hubby. I have muchos respect for single parenting, can imagine it ain't easy....but equally, not impossible. Go for it, I wish you happiness!

I do wish the OP well if she wishes to go ahead, it's completely her choice to make. I've never said she shouldn't do it. But yes, I will always feel a bit sad for the children who are created via this way.

My feelings are purely based on my own experiences of growing up with my dad in my life and the amazing role he played and still does. I would feel sad for any child, who for any reason, never got the chance to know their father and their extended family. Maybe if I'd had a shit dad I'd feel differently. All anyone can do is base their opinions on their own experiences.

I've stayed on the thread because the topic interests me - just like everyone else who has stayed on the thread.

Toffee if that was aimed at me (implying I've deliberately had kids in a way that deprives them of knowing their father because mine was crap) then you've clearly not understood what I've said at all.

My point is that life is totally unpredictable, and a situation that is right for one person may be wrong for another.

There seems to be a recurring focus on the intentional nature of donor conception, as if all other less-than-perfect situations are totally accidental, and involve the poor parents in no blame at all. Surely the argument should be extended to parents in relationships that aren't perfect, or if there's the possibility if future illness, or any financial difficulty. After all, we have free and nearly 100% effective contraception in this country, so there's little excuse for bringing a child into the world if the circumstances aren't just right. And even if accidents happen, there is always termination, and if someone doesn't want that then there's always adoption.

My point is that donor conception is, in many ways, no different from the many other less-than-perfect situations that babies are born into. Each situation brings its own problems and challenges, but somehow donor conception seems to be the only one targeted here. Why are us DC parents such demons?

It wasn't aimed at you. Just a point that has come up a lot - posters saying they would have been better off without ther dad, therefore they don't see the big deal.

I did understand you.

I definitely don't think the women who use Donors are demons

The women who do it all have their valid reasons at the time and as you say, it is a choice that is right for them.

I certainly don't have any problem with the women who choose this route, I just have concerns for the children who are born via this method.

It would be really interesting to know if people treat sperm donation and egg donation equally.

I wonder what the response would have been to a single male poster looking to "access an egg", rent a uterus and go it alone.

Does that happen?

But that's my point oaksettle , which I made a few pages back in a previous post. There are often threads on here in which people find themselves pregnant in dire circumstances - poverty, alcoholic abusive partner, numerous other children, mental/physical health problems, no family support etc etc - an almost invariably the replies are supportive, often actively discouraging consideration of possible options (termination, adoption), telling the OP that it will be fine and they'll discover reserves of strength they didn't know they had. Never ever have I seen someone reply saying "my father was abusive and ive suffered from it my whole life, and therefore I don't think you should have this baby". They wouldn't dare! And if anyone did they'd be ripped apart.

Well I think that people are generally supportive in those situations Jolly but if the question was "Should I consider having a baby with my alcoholic/abusive partner?" people might say "no, that's not a great idea". The difference being that one is a situation people find themselves in by accident as it where and another is a situation you create on purpose.

Totally agree that there are many so called imperfect set ups though and many people who don't think anywhere near as much about having kids as people who have DC kids. It seems very unfair at times.

Genuine question:

If the donor is allowed to be tracked at 18, why is it that no contact is allowed before then? I don't mean necessarily meeting him but just writing each other letters so at least the child knows their dad is out there somewhere and is a real person that is interested in them.

The Donor obviously knows that he will not be an anonymous figure should the child wish to track him down, so he must be happy about and prepared to have contact with his biological children. I guess what I'm asking is, why can no details be shared until the age of 18? Why is it all kept so secret?

I don't see why they couldn't be in touch, writerwannabe.