to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

Mytwoblackandwhitecats "I am genuinely sorry you don't feel listened to oak, but you certainly wouldn't be listened to if you hadn't been conceived via donations, as you wouldn't actually exist at all!"

How old are you? I cannot actually believe you just typed that.

Given your loss and delicate state right now, I'm going to say no more. But that is unbelievably dismissive and insulting to oaksettle.

God oaksettle I do wish you hadn't had to read that.

I agree toffee - a very hurtful thing to say.
It's like telling her to shit up, that her feelings don't matter and she should just be grateful she's here and stop whining.

I almost want to laugh that the only person who actually has a valid opinion on the matter and can actually tell us how it feels to be a donor child is the one that isn't being listened to. It's ridiculous.

I feel far sorrier for Oak than I do theOP on this thread.
I bet she feels great seeing all these posts that imply she should stop moaning about the dad she never had as apparently it doesn't matter...

Who isn't listening to oak? I'm listening to what she has to say but not uncritically because she is one individual and her experience isn't universal. I've also read all these stories on the clearly labelled donor conceived adults section of the DC Network website www.dcnetwork.org/donor-conceived-adults/personal-stories. I hope that demonstrates that oak's statement that the DC network isn't interested in donor conceived adults' POVs is simply not true.

The network is committed to openness with donor conceived children and campaigned hard to get anonymity removed in the UK. It also isn't true as toffeemoon asserted the other day (sorry - late to thread and only just read the whole thing) that the majority of parents of donor conceived children want donor anonymity.

Finally, what possible motive would any parent have in deliberately producing unhappy children?

This thread is getting unbelievably horrid on both sides.
There is only one point- and that is that you need to go into it with your eyes open- and have considered it from all sides.
My first link was discounted because of the people running it- but it doesn't discount the personal stories - and there were positive ones too.
There are lots of accounts and different people have different feelings and opinions- I don't think you can just cherry pick the ones that suit you, all voices should be heard. The person themselves know and it is unfair to tell them it shouldn't matter ,when it does.
We are all different. My son cried because he had no siblings, my friend's child was upset because she felt that if they loved her they didn't need her sister!
If you take into account all the experiences you can help avoid the pitfalls. To close your mind to the possibility that your child may have problems aged 30yrs because they had a lovely childhood and loved hearing the story of their birth as a toddler is not going to make it easy for them!

The very fact that donor children support networks exist tells you that they encounter problems that only other donor children can understand.

Are you really saying that life isn't worth living without your own biological children? So it's important for the DC parent to have the genetic link, but not important for your children to have the genetic link to one of their parents? Completely illogical.

This really is an excellent point - hits the nail on the head, IMO

Delphinium - it's the donor conception network. Not the donor children support network. I don't think this thread is becoming unpleasant - I think it already was.

There is also a donor children's support network.

Why is it unbelievably horrible? I don't understand. People are discussing a really emotive topic I don't think anyone has been.unbelivably horrible. This is a really complex issue, I think we have all made valid points.

It has only got horrible as people get so entrenched that they dismiss any posts that don't 'fit'- from either side.
It should at least show that it isn't as straightforward as - 'get sperm, have baby, all live happily ever after'.

Agreed delphinium (what a beautiful colour that is!). I am really sorry Oak if you feel people have rubbished your feelings, I totally get what you are saying and think you are in a very difficult situation.

I also remember feeling so very sad and angry that apparently everyone else was allowed to have children.but I was not, so I completely understand why the op feels upset. I know fertility is hard for many people and none of us should feel we have the right to.it but it IS deeply upsetting to see people that are clearly not appreciating their role as parents (or worse mistreating their Dcs) when you are unable to.have any.

OAK - does your mother know how you feel or do you feel you have to hide it from her?

It sounds like a really hard and crappy situation to be in x

I would bet that the reason they give their story anonymously is because they don't want to upset their mothers. It must be a tightrope between love and understanding for the mother v the difficult situation of lack of identity. While I can see the need for a donor conception network I should think the support group for the children is a lifeline for some.

I think that my earlier point about fathers and father figures has been misconstrued.
Of course fathers play an important part in a children's lives. My own father played one in mine, still does (and hapoens to play a very negative one, but that is a different matter).
The qualities my father has are not because he is a man, but because he is that person, in my view. I was simply asking what it was about the gender that made a father figure a necessity.
And yes, it does cut both ways. I think two men are equally capable of raising a child as a man and a woman.
What my partner and I bring to our children is based on our personality traits, not our gender. I think!

I am also a 'donor' conceived adult...it's been mentioned on this thread, but I've been writing a blog on this topic (www.daughterofadonor.com) if anyone would like to learn more.

I just want to point out that there is an international community of DC adults who do feel (strongly and) unhappily disposed towards the way they were conceived, yet for the most part these people do not have a voice.

They pose some very big questions that make people who have used/or are considering using DC feel very defensive and attacked. And, because of the unpopular and uncomfortable nature of the questions that these DC people pose, their viewpoints are often shouted down, criticised or attacked, which is unfortunate. (And even in evidence on this thread). People could learn something if they listened to what we are saying.

DC is a human rights issue for the children that are born from the practice - more so even than adopted people. We are deliberately born to be abandoned by one of our parents. Not all of us feel like that, but the fact that some of us do should not be dismissed just because it doesn't suit you.

Just consider this, if you consider nothing else: the genetic link is privileged on one side (from the adults using DC) but completely disregarded from the child's point of view.

We have birth certificates that are literally false, no access to medical history and a complete dearth of kinship ties on one side of our genetic parents - aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents - a history.

Since DC has become ever more common, we are raising armies of children who might one day be questioning their heritage in a similar fashion. These issues need to be debated and our viewpoints should be respected.

It's about thinking beyond a baby.

That's a beautiful post daughterofadonor - you come across as a very genuine person who has concerns about the practices based on your own opinions. I completely agree with you that it's the children who should be listened to, just reading your post only deepened my sympathies for children born via this method. And I don't mean that in a 'I pity you' way, but just that I sympathise how unfair it must seem to have something so fundamental as your history and a whole side of your family tree be denied to you as a result of someone else's choice. To not know where you come from must be so difficult, I can't even imagine how I'd feel in that situation. Possibly lost and incomplete almost.

I will definitely be taking a look at your blog

It's about thinking beyond a baby.

That was exactly the point I was at when considering whether to use an anonymous donor. I remember thinking " I am creating a person here who will have their own thoughts and feelings about this". If I'd used an anonymous donor I'd have taken away the right of my son or daughter to find their father whether they wanted to.or not.