to be toying with the idea of having a baby alone with donated sperm?

[honeykitten]

Reasonably financially secure, no family whatsoever to help and no man on the horizon (mid 30s.)

I know I am a daft old woman

grockle - I do understand what you're saying but most of the examples you gave are situations that arise out of nobody's choice. Those things are out of people's hands, there's no control over whether those things happen or not. However, by using sperm donation a woman is intentionally making the choice to deny a child a father.

As I have said repeatedly the OP should definitely go ahead if it's what she wants, it's her right and her decision. She shouldn't let other people's opinions put her off and I have also said that she will no doubt make a fantastic mother - and I meant it all.

But that doesn't mean I have to 100% agree with children being conceived via sperm donation. I'm allowed to think that children should be allowed to form a relationship with their father without it making me homophobic.

I'd have considered it.

I don't disagree with any of these posts and I SO feel for the op and others who cannot easily have a child. I was fortunate to have a friend who agreed to help. If he hadn't I would have considered using an anonymous donor. So I am well aware that I speak from the position of someone for whom that was not the only option.

As I said upthread I had the chance to.have another baby but this time using an anonymous donor and based on my experiences with Dd and other people I'd known I decided that I wouldn't feel ok about that. I totally understand how the op feels though...as for many people fertility can feel so bloody unfair!!

If I hadn't already had a child then I expect that I might feel differently. It was my experience of bringing up a baby without a father that made me understand it from the child's point of view- and that was a child with regular contact with loving paternal grandparents, uncle, cousins etc. I couldn't then do it from my personal choice.

I find it odd that oaksettle is the one getting a hard time when she is, as far as I can remember, the one person conceived by sperm donation. I can see why, if her feelings are rubbished and she is basically told she shouldn't have them!

Sorry - the one person on this thread.

Some disgusting posts on this thread, and I'm not talking about the OP.

Well her course your views are discounted - they don't fit in with the consensus. Never mind that she is the ONLY person whose opinion is truly valid here ie.not influenced by self-interest or projected emotions. I'm not at all surprised the clinics selling the sperm don't want to hear from you. I feel for you and hope you have made your peace with the issue - have you?

Some of the more recent posts are completely gobsmacking. What's so important about having a father anyway??? Your body, your life? Sure, who cares about the kid, so long as you get to have a baby hey? As for the naïveté of your toddler with their books about the "kind man who helped make them", utter folly.

Do people really think a reasonable benchmark for a happy childhood is anything's ok so long as it doesn't make you wish you'd never been born?

Newsflash: not one woman has ever actively sought out a loser to procreate with, with the deliberate intention of giving her children a crap father.

Newsflash: just because shit happens in life, doesn't mean you go looking for it.

Seriously, what's the point of a father? Just another set of traits? Unbelievable. How would you feel if you read a forum full of men looking to have babies alone because "nobody needs a mother". So long as you can "access the egg".

I am so depressed by some of the blinkered selfish opinions I have read on here this morning.

*mytwoblackandwhitecats" please quote the disgusting comments. So far I would put:

"access the sperm"
"it's better than not existing at all" (wtf?)
"What's so great about a father anyway"
"He's just a set of traits"

I think this amounts to bullying, actually, given the OP has said she isn't going to go ahead with it, and that she has felt upset by the comments.

So why keep them coming? Is it to cause as much hurt, distress, upset and anxiety to those who already have donor conceived children? Or is it to make sure no one else even dares think about it.

I have a niece conceived via egg donation because her mother, my sister in law, had ovarian cancer at a very young age, I suppose if any of your daughters get that they should never be a mum, even though many girls and women dream of it, I know I do?

Disgusting. Access the sperm isn't remotely disgusting. And I don't think DADS are important and I say that as someone who buried hers on Thursday and I loved him to pieces, I think PARENTS are important. Gender isn't what matters, love is.

I am so glad the OP has disappeared. I hope she hid the thread and hasn't read some of the comments on here.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think any person is entitled to give birth. I don't think people should sell/"donate" their generic material.

Love is not the only thing.

Oaksettle I see what you mean about nobody listening to you.

In that case Toffee I sincerely hope your loved ones are strictly heterosexual, do not acquire any illnesses that may affect their fertility, meet a partner when they are young enough to carry a child and that they aren't injured or hurt in some way that would mean that they couldn't have a baby.

Of course, someone's loved ones WILL - but we don't really want them having children, do we?

For me personally, yes, I wouldn't consider adoption but I desperately want my own children, so yes, I would be unhappy without them.

Besides, I imagine that since you are writing on here you were born after 2005 :) so the OP, and others, are talking about non-anonymous donors which is how my niece was conceived, which doesn't appear to tally with most of the posts on here.

I am genuinely sorry you don't feel listened to oak, but you certainly wouldn't be listened to if you hadn't been conceived via donations, as you wouldn't actually exist at all!

Someone I know did this around the time I had dc1. I felt a bit and about it at the time. I couldn't relate to their experience. One of the Things I found amazing at the time was how our dc displayed traits of me and dh that were actually recognisable.

However, I also know that the person who did this has an amazing relationship with their dc and is very happy bring a single mum.

I guess I stand on the fence. If you are sure you are strong enough to be a loving single parent I'd say go for it.

I wonder if more and more women will do this in the future and I also wonder how that would influence the power relationship between men and women. If 'going it alone' becomes more 'normal' then thee is no need to wait for mr right. No need to wait till it might be too late to have a child. No need for women to pursue marriage or even relationships. It could be very empowering for women.

Oaksettle The problem with all those blogs is that it is hard to balance it with a list of blogs written by people who have no issues with being conceived by donor sperm. I know it's a massive generalisation but blog writers tend to be the type of people who like to 'think aloud' and write about things that are troubling them. A blog about someone who has no issues at all about being conceived with donor sperm would be a bit dull after all.

I'm sure it's still useful for anyone considering using donor sperm to read lots of different points of view but, personally, I wouldn't let the more negative viewpoints dissuade me.

oaksettle - I'm sorry you've found being a donor conceived child so hard. I do however know that many donor conceived adults don't share your sense of pain and loss.

I'm a bit unclear about what you mean about adoption. Surely adopted children will feel as angry as you do about not knowing their biological parents?

I know someone who - like the OP - had no family support but chose to have a child with donor sperm. She was taken seriously ill during the pg and ended up in a coma. Baby was taken into foster care at birth because there was no extended family willing to step in and help. An extreme case? Yes - but my point is that if there is no family support of any kind, if anything goes wrong for the OP there is no safety net for the child. At the very least the OP needs to think about a support network.

Mytwoblackandwhitecats,I'm really sorry about your dad. I agree with you in so many ways but I don't think.anyone has bullied the op. Most of us have basically said " if you feel confident about this then do it, you sound like you will be a,lovely parent. However, based on our own experiences these are some things you might need to think about". This is a highly emotive issue, the op asked for people's opinions. Would it be better if I for example lied and said "my DC dd has no issues about her conception and her relationship with her father ( the donor) is perfect"?

It isn't, she has had her ups and downs with it. I also thought before I had her that my love would be enough. In many ways it is and much of the time we ( dd, dw and myself) are very very happy but knowing her dad and being able to tell others that she has a dad have been very important to her.

Obviously that is just my experience, our experience, everyone is different.