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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my 19 year old, uni student daughter to spend some of her summer holidays at home?

88 replies

Hils1 · 25/05/2014 17:25

My 19 year old daughter is away at uni during term time and has just returned home for the holidays. She has just informed us that she intends to spend the summer living with her boyfriend's family because we live in the middle of the countryside and it's a long way (40 minutes
) from her friends and evenings out etc. She seems to have no intention of looking for a job, claiming that holiday jobs are hard to find.

OP posts:
weatherall · 25/05/2014 17:27

As a. 19yo student I had no intention of spending more than a few days at a time at my parents rural abode, sorry.

Bf trumped parents at that age.

Why don't you invite them both to stay for a week or 2?

Groovee · 25/05/2014 17:29

At 19, I went and worked abroad!

TheDudess · 25/05/2014 17:29

I'd have probably done the same, sorry OP. inviting them to both stay for a week or two is a good idea.

KatieKaye · 25/05/2014 17:29

Doesn't she have a job during term?
Also have 19 year old, just finished 1st year. She's come home and will be travelling 1hour each way to continue with her term time job. Plus paying digs and helping round the house!
Oh, and she's just been offered another job so will be doing two next year plus her studies so she can pay her own way as far as possible. All of her student friends are also working over the summer.

HauntedNoddyCar · 25/05/2014 17:29

Yabu. I wasn't going home for holidays at all by then. If her boyfriend's family don't mind then it's not a problem

Ifpigscouldfly · 25/05/2014 17:33

She's right about holiday jobs at any rate.

Objection · 25/05/2014 17:34

I lived in South Africa at age 17 and then had my own flat by 19.
YABU - she can do what she wishes and I can see why she would rather stay near her friends and boyfriend.

YANBU to want to spend time with your daughter thoug, you seem lovely Smile

Fortysomethingwinelover · 25/05/2014 17:35

You are not being unreasonable. What does she expect to live off money wise? I'd let her get on with it. Look at it this way, you'll save a shit load of money instead of having to feed her. She'll soon realise the grass isn't always greener.

magpiegin · 25/05/2014 17:38

I spent most of the summer of my first year at uni still in my university town. I wasn't being supported financially by my parents though.

nomorequotes · 25/05/2014 17:38

If you are subsidising her uni then YANBU to want her to spend some time with you, perhaps you could invite her and the boyfriend to stay?

if she is paying her own way then YABU and it is up to her what she does with her time

MatronMarian · 25/05/2014 17:40

I have insisted that my university kids are at home when the rest of us are away. I need them to look after the dog and cat, and therefore save on vet and kennel fees. I pass the saving on to them and it magically ceases to be a chore.

Original poster
Hils1 · 25/05/2014 17:40

Suppose I need to move with the times! I don't have an issue with them staying at our house and, no, she doesn't have a job in term time - spends every w/e visiting the bf at his uni. Suppose I just need to move on with my life - empty nest syndrome. Just know I will feel like saying no when she wants the £5k parental contribution towards next year.

OP posts:
TucsonGirl · 25/05/2014 17:40

Are her boyfiends parents happy to put her up at no expense etc?

dementedma · 25/05/2014 17:42

20 year old dd just home with all her stuff. Had to give up term time job as commute and hours not possible from here. Can't claim any benefits. Has found a flat for year 2 but needs to pay deposit this month, then rent from July. Saas money doesn't arrive until September so feck knows where we are to find over 300 a month for the next 3 months. Staying in halls not an option as too expensive so we need to find a way to fund the flat.
She has a summer au pair job for a month in Spain July/August which doesn't help with trying to find a 3 month summer job here...ah well, she will have to busk.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 25/05/2014 17:42

If your subsidising her then you rightly have input. Not decision.

Tbh however nice your daughter is if I was the boys mum I'd have far more issue. All summer?! Not bloody likely.

TucsonGirl · 25/05/2014 17:47

Shouldn't be that hard to find an agency job for the summer, surely?

Original poster
Hils1 · 25/05/2014 17:48

Let's hope the bf's mum su
ggests they decamp to us for a couple of weeks then to give her a break! I know his mum can't afford to put her up for the summer but unfortuanately my daughter has money in her bank account- all her birthday money etc since she was born.

OP posts:
MelanieCheeks · 25/05/2014 17:49

Erm, she's 19, and hence an adult who is able to able her own decisions?

I know I feel a bit down of my student children don't come and visit me during their holdiays - but really, it's not up to me.

MelanieCheeks · 25/05/2014 17:49

able to make....

Fairylea · 25/05/2014 17:50

Yes summer jobs can be hard to find but most students work part time all year round alongside their studies to provide extra income. There is no reason why she couldn't work part time.

However, that's a side issue.

I understand how you feel. It's hard letting go. But unfortunately she is an adult and finding her feet in the world. I guess you could take it as she feels so confident in herself she feels able to do that - and a lot of that is down to you as a parent. :).

theeternalstudent · 25/05/2014 17:52

I'm sorry but what a lot of bull shit that she can't get a summer job or work of some kind during term time and I say this as a (very) mature full time student who is working and studying as well as having relatively young children.

Most employers will look for some kind of work experience as well as having a good degree when she finishes. Even voluntary work of some kind in her field would be better than none.

With regards to your issue, I think that it's perfectly reasonable that you expect her to spend some of her summer with you if you are funding her studies. Time for a chat I think!

DPotter · 25/05/2014 17:53

I agree with inviting them to stay with you for a few weeks and also strongly suggesting to her that she pays her way at BF's house from her own bank account !

Theas18 · 25/05/2014 17:53

Who is financing her?

If I was supporting her during the holiday I would expect her to take the cheapest option re expenses/outgoings i.e. come home.

If she has a job or boyf is bankrolling her I guess she can do as she wishes... I'd be worried that she was running up more debt though.

youbethemummylion · 25/05/2014 17:56

I went to uni at 18 and never spent any of the hoidays at home as my parents lived in the middle if nowhere. I do think if she is staying at boyfriends parents house she does need to contribute.

sykadelic · 25/05/2014 18:00

It's her life. I would also tell her though that you're not paying her Uni fees (or all of it) and let her decide how she's going to pay the rest.

It's not the lack of visiting you that I'd object to, it's the lack of trying to pay her own way. I also don't think you should pay her way if she visits you.

Just tell her that's great. Much easier for her to get a job while living there to save for the X she's paying for Uni now she's got time for a job.