to expect my 19 year old, uni student daughter to spend some of her summer holidays at home?

[Hils1]

My 19 year old daughter is away at uni during term time and has just returned home for the holidays. She has just informed us that she intends to spend the summer living with her boyfriend's family because we live in the middle of the countryside and it's a long way (40 minutes
) from her friends and evenings out etc. She seems to have no intention of looking for a job, claiming that holiday jobs are hard to find.

How is she going to support herself while staying with BF? Will she still expect hand outs from you, or that her BF's parents will feed her for free etc.

£5k is pennies to some people though- it's relative.

My parents contributed £50pwk plus hall fees when I was at Uni, I didn't go home much.

Bit that amount was a pittance to them. and they cut me off leaving me homeless at one point

You are setting up a situation where she feels guilt tripped, and I can assure you that isn't going to make her feel like spending more time with you!

If I was BF's parents I would not be happy at having a 19 year old dossing around my house all Summer. She should be looking for a job either at home or abroad.

She's been working hard all year, let her enjoy this summer whilst she's young and free to enjoy them.

Not sure why people are going on about her getting a job, she has savings which she can spend as she likes.

When I was 19 I worked hard all year including during the Summer and was expected to contribute towards my keep. She's not 12 and I really think lounging around someone else's house all Summer and then expecting a 5k handout from your parents is a bit much from an adult.

Would you like to swap?

I have a 19 year old at college. She is settling in to doing bugger all but get under my feet all summer.

YABU to expect a 19yo uni student to spend time at home in the summer holidays. It's a magical time and going home to the coutryside must feel like having her wings clipped.

YANBU to resent half of your 5k contribution going on eating, drinking and clothes when she has no intention of getting a job.

Actually, would you give the £5k regardless of if she got a job or not? so in fact, if she got a job, she'd just have more spending money? I don't think if the £5k is something you'll give regardless and she has other money saved, it's all the terrible for her to decide to live off £2.5k a year if she can manage it. If she's effectively living off £208 a month, that's perfectly reasonable amount if her hall fees are paid, other than experience, why do you want her to get a job on top of that? Would you reduce the amount if she was earning it herself? Is it just for experience?

If her BF's parents are happy with the arrangement, then really, perhaps you should accept that you chose to live far away from anywhere else, then it's not attractive for a teenager (does she have her own car? Just how isolated would she be at your house?) . Even if she did want to get a job, and was able to find one, would it be possible to get to/from the local town easily from your house or would she be reliant on lifts and spending a large percentage of her new wage on transport?

It's rude she's not even going to stay for a few days, perhaps you could try asking her to pick a weekend when she and the boyfriend can come to stay, or ask her for sunday lunch.

I think that you worry about something that is not goingto happen. She ll come at yours after 2 weeks!

My guess is that they havent even told his parents yet! Having a visitor for 12 weeks in your house is bad enough if said visitor works so she leaves in the morning and comes back in the evening tired, eats and sleeps. But someone who stays home all day? Playing music, holds the remote control, having showers, open the fridge every 5 min? I 've got bitter experience, i ve been there. 3 months is very long.

What they say about guests and fish and 3 days? They will come at yours!

I'm another one who's wondering how the boyfriend's parents feel about this. It would be annoying enough to have your own 19 year old hanging around the house all Summer with no job to go to; but his girlfriend?? Absolutely no way, would be my answer.

I'd probably just leave her to live with her boyfriend and spend her savings. If the boyfriend's parents are happy to have her there then that's great; if not then she knows she can come home to you.

Her savings will run out eventually - maybe not this summer or even until she's graduated. Then she will learn about the value of working.

I wouldn't stop giving her the 5k per year - it's not a huge amount after hall fees and text books so if she's managing to live on it then she seems to be pretty good with money.

Have you thought about saying to her, 'I'd really love to spend some time with you this summer. Why don't you come here for a week and we'll do X, Y and Z'.

19 can still be an age of being very caught up in oneself and she probably has no idea how you feel and that you'd actually like to see her. But tell her, rather than expecting her to intuit and risking becoming a bit pass-agg!