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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my 19 year old, uni student daughter to spend some of her summer holidays at home?

88 replies

Hils1 · 25/05/2014 17:25

My 19 year old daughter is away at uni during term time and has just returned home for the holidays. She has just informed us that she intends to spend the summer living with her boyfriend's family because we live in the middle of the countryside and it's a long way (40 minutes
) from her friends and evenings out etc. She seems to have no intention of looking for a job, claiming that holiday jobs are hard to find.

OP posts:

OhYouBadBadKitten · 25/05/2014 18:02

Not fair to use finances as emotional blackmail, the monetary help should be because she needs it for her studies and not create expectations of payback (other than if it's a loan of course in which case monetary payback is appropriate) It's one reason I hate tuition fees, it ties children to parents for much longer than natural.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 25/05/2014 18:03

However in saying that I wouldn't be financing her over the summer holidays!

LaurieFairyCake · 25/05/2014 18:07

I wouldn't be financing someone sitting on their arse for 14 weeks.

Merrylegs · 25/05/2014 18:08

She's not really being a self sufficient adult though is she? She's replacing one parental home for another.

Please tell her to be mindful of the other family and not to outstay her welcome. It's v self absorbing of her to think they might want the pleasure of her company all summer.

Does the bf have siblings? Another person in the house changes the dynamic of a family and tbh they might not want her hanging around all the time.

jay55 · 25/05/2014 18:09

Will she be trying to get a job at her boyfriends? If his place is closer to potential work then it makes sense.

My parents live in a town where summer work was easy to come by so we often had boyfriends/cousins/aunts living with us for the holidays whilst temping.

If she's not even trying to find work can't see the boyfriends mum putting up with her for long.

drinkingtea · 25/05/2014 18:10

Why is it unfortunate that your DD has money in her bank account I see that a holiday job (or inter-railung) would be better than slobbing about at her BF's parents and partying, but I don't see why you'd want her to feel obliged to stay with you out of duty to "earn" her parental contribution if she doesn't want to - that sounds like misery for all.

TucsonGirl · 25/05/2014 18:11

Are the parents funding tuition fees, or just living expenses? I can't see how tuition fees funded by srudent loan tie children to parents at all.

Mrsjayy · 25/05/2014 18:14

I think thats quire rude of her tbh and is the boyfriend s mum prepared to feed her for the whole summer

drinkingtea · 25/05/2014 18:14

I never spent more than 3 or 4 days of any holiday with my parents, and that was in the early '90s... but I did work in the longer holidays. I would have gone insane living with my parents once I'd left.

MimiSunshine · 25/05/2014 18:14

I really wouldn't hint / threaten that you may not give her the money you said you'd give her for uni which you presumably agreed to do before she went.
If she then sits in your house all summer to ensure support it's hardly going to be an enjoyable sone and if she refuses to be blackmailed and drops out / cuts contact well really are you willing to risk it?

However you'd be within your rights to cut any funding you were possibly going to give her over the summer if she isn't living with you.
That means no 'spends' and certainly no dropping in with her washing every so often.

Just tell her that she's an adult and when she's not actively in education she supports herself and leave her to it I'd be amazed if her bf's parents put up with a freeloader for months so she'll soon be back

Mrsjayy · 25/05/2014 18:16

Merrylegs said ir bettter than I did but yeah that id beexpecting her to to support her summer herself tbh

Ludways · 25/05/2014 18:23

I went to uni and didn't go back to my parents at all in 2 years, they visited me and we talked on the phone. Granted I was at uni abroad but I decided to stay over the holidays too. The time I went home was for 4 months then I went back out.

I was an adult and it was my decision, I live in the same town as them now and see them most days. I'm glad they gave me that freedom to enjoy my life before the drudgery of work hit, lol

crazyspaniel · 25/05/2014 18:23

All my students seem to have holiday jobs, internships or volunteering lined up for the summer, so they can't be that hard to find. I would be pretty peeved at being expected to go to work to support an adult who is not willing to work themselves. I doubt her boyfriend's parents are delighted at having another adult in their house for three months either.

Pumpkinpositive · 25/05/2014 18:24

How do the boyfriend's parents feel about the proposed arrangement?

How does she propose to pay for her bed & board at their gaff if she isn't working?

Pumpkinpositive · 25/05/2014 18:27

Just saw your post about birthday money.

Ah well, if DD doesn't mind squandering spending her savings on paying B&B to her boyfriend's parents, that's really up to her. Nowt a lot you can/should do.

Personally I'd rather look for a job than loll around a sofa all summer watching reruns of Diagnosis Murder but it takes all kinds...

Mrsjayy · 25/05/2014 18:27

I think youshould point out the money she has saved she should give so me to the boyfriends mum for boarc she is acting like a kid o n an extended sleepover

Original poster

Hils1 · 25/05/2014 18:28

I said "unfortunately" she has money in her bank account as this means she has no incentive to work- hence telling her that we won't finance her during the summer holidays has no impact. And with regard to my comment about her £5K parental support next year, we wouldn't not support her studies next year it's just than when we work hard for our money we begrudge paying out £5K to her when she hasn't even tried to get a job or bothered to spend any time with us. I will emphasize to her about outstaying her welcome at bf's- purely on the basis that I am putting myself in his mum's position.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 25/05/2014 18:31

Well once her money is gone its gone I still think you are right her attitude would annoy me too

JonesRipley · 25/05/2014 18:32

I would not be happy about her not working during term time or during holidays. I also do wonder how the boyfriend's parents will feel about it

weatherall · 25/05/2014 18:48

It doesn't sound as if you have a very good relationship with your dd, OP.

She doesn't. 'Owe you' time at home.

Is there something about your home environment she doesn't like?
Ie do you make them sleep in separate beds? Have you made an effort to get to know her bf and include him in family gatherings?
Do you still treat her like a child or as an adult with equal rights?

19 is a tricky boundary age- there is a vast spectrum of what is expected.

MaryWestmacott · 25/05/2014 19:06

See, whenever I see people talking about "dream houses in rural locations" I tend to think "your kids will love it when they are 5, then will hate it when they are teenagers". Of course given a straight choice she'd pick the location that's in town, with her boyfriend and near her friends.

Try not to take it personally, it's not you, it's the impractical location. (This of course assumes you're not a nightmare to live with!!! )

Will the boyfriends mum be happy with this and also be happy with him getting no job? If the boyfriend works, then she might well be bored at home on her own in the day and come to see you/look for work herself.

Does the boyfriends parents live in a large town? I went to uni about a million years ago, but from a smallish town, I had worked in my year out before uni and they offered me work for most of the uni holidays, but the bulk of my friends just couldn't find anything, there weren't lots of agency work for unskilled people and bar work was only found by friends who lied that they weren't going back to uni, when there's more applicants than jobs, why hire and train someone for 3 months when you could get someone local who won't quit in September. Unless you are near hotels/seasonal work, it's not going to be easy for her to find a job if she didn't have one to go back too.

dawndonnaagain · 25/05/2014 19:10

Mine has used his dla to hire help and will be home for a fortnight. We too are rural. He'll be bored. I raised him to be independent, I'm not going to complain when he does just that!

Ifpigscouldfly · 25/05/2014 19:12

A lot of degrees are too full on to work during term time. I wish I hadn't had to during my last one. My degree really suffered.

Ifpigscouldfly · 25/05/2014 19:14

And I never had any luck with holiday jobs that lasted more than a couple if weeks they needed a temp for. I did do ok with working abroad but then I essentially was re coupling my flight costs with the small amount I was paid. Good fun though.

diddl · 25/05/2014 19:15

Whatever the financial arrangements I'd be upset if my daughter was coming back but couldn't spare me a couple of days .

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