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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my 19 year old, uni student daughter to spend some of her summer holidays at home?

88 replies

Hils1 · 25/05/2014 17:25

My 19 year old daughter is away at uni during term time and has just returned home for the holidays. She has just informed us that she intends to spend the summer living with her boyfriend's family because we live in the middle of the countryside and it's a long way (40 minutes
) from her friends and evenings out etc. She seems to have no intention of looking for a job, claiming that holiday jobs are hard to find.

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 25/05/2014 19:16

At 19 I was working abroad.
Ds1 did similar to your dd, who has probably left home now, they don't announce it but just drift into it
Ds2 is 19 and still at home having not gone to uni, he will be at home for a while yet.
Once they go off to uni, that is usually it for the majority, they come back to visit.

MimiSunshine · 26/05/2014 10:52

OP I'm sorry but if your daughter hasn't even tried to get a job you have to ask yourself why?

When I was a few years younger than your daughter I wanted to go away with a friends family, my parents agreed but said as I wasn't going away with them then I had to find my own spending money (they paid for the trip as they would have paid for me to go away with them).

I promptly went and got a job and have worked ever since. When my sibling got to a similar age as your DD with much less appreciation for the value of money than I did my parents said they were only funding the necessities and frog marched them into a job they'd have happily lived off them for as long as possible

If you're unhappy your DD hasn't bothered supporting herself, why haven't you tackled it sooner? My parents paid my accommodation at uni and that's it, I was responsible for everything else, not having any food in the fridge, certainly ensures you get a job.

sunshinecity17 · 26/05/2014 13:11

I wouldn't be happy with this at all.It sounds as though she is planning to live off her BF's parents.

AnnaWombourne · 26/05/2014 14:09

I hardly saw/heard from my DD during her first year at uni - too much fun to be had in halls. Then the following year she had a BF and spent her holidays with his family who are posher than us She later told me she was glad our family weren't like his - lots of squabbling and alcohol consumption apparently.

Now she's in her 3rd year and we talk on the phone at least twice a day and she comes home whenever she can, sometimes with said BF.

I think you just have to let her go and then hopefully she'll come back to you. If you try to guilt trip her, she may not.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 26/05/2014 14:09

YABU. You'd hate having me as a daughter; I'm the same age and also a uni student, and am not spending any of my summer holidays at home. In fact, 'home' isn't even home anymore; I live with my boyfriend full-time in our uni town. I still manage to have a fantastic relationship with my parents and family.

As for the part-time work; bollox. Most students work part-time while studying full-time - my boyfriend does and I would too if I was able to currently.

DurhamDurham · 26/05/2014 14:14

My oldest daughter doesn't live at home and I miss her but as long as we keep in touch I'm happy. If I haven't heard from her for a few days I do worry but try not to pass this on to her. She tends to email/text or FB me with news. When she does choose to come home I treat it as a bonus, I have a feeling if she thought it was expected of her she may begin to see it as a chore.

What's that cheesy saying about letting them fly and that they'll come back ( along those lines anyway ) I have a feeling that it's true.

Original poster

Hils1 · 26/05/2014 15:15

MoominAndMiniMoom- how are you affording to pay the rent and bills for 4 months over the summer, if you are not working?

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 26/05/2014 15:19

YABU, sorry - she is an adult and entitled to make her own choices. I do understand that it is hard for you, though, and seems unfair, especially since you are funding her at uni.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2014 15:34

I didn't go home at all in summer holidays but that was because I had a FT JOB all summer and they lived in a city where you needed a car.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 26/05/2014 15:35

Hils - my boyfriend works and his hours have been increased for the summer. I worked part-time until recently and have saved up money. We also get student loan :)

PrincessBabyCat · 26/05/2014 15:50

My parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't come home and follow their house rules during break (which were asking permission to go out, having a curfew, basically being treated like a child after being on my own at uni). So I told them fine, they cut me off, I got a job and for a little while rubbed it in that they couldn't tell me what to do and didn't come home for a bit. But it worked out in the end. Unfortunately for you, this is the last little bit of leash you need to finally let go of for your adult child.

It'll probably be better actually to stop paying if she doesn't want to follow your rules about coming home. She'll deal, and when money runs out in summer she'll come home for food to visit. :)

NigellasDealer · 26/05/2014 15:52

lol when i was at uni I would be on a one way flight to Athens by the end of May not to return til October....happy days...

sunshinecity17 · 26/05/2014 16:17

What's with all this 'she's an adult entitled to make her own choices' crap.Her parents are paying £££ towards her living expenses, it is only basic good manners to spend time with them

Mrsjayy · 26/05/2014 16:19

Yeah tnat - it is bloody rude to take parents 5 grand and not even visit I would be temptec tp not pay next year no doubt the dd would come rnnuning when the uni is asking for fees or rent

TinklyLittleLaugh · 26/05/2014 16:21

Five grand is a big parental contribution though. My DS is only eligible for the minimum student loan (£3500 or so) and we top him up by £3000. He finds the rest himself and budgets accordingly.

Mrsjayy · 26/05/2014 16:27

I am very lucky our fees are free but dd works and has a luving loan she does live at home so I feed her but her living expenses she earns and keeps her cargoing

MoominAndMiniMoom · 26/05/2014 17:10

Oh bloody hell I missed that you're giving her £5k in which case she's being so rude. No doubt she'll come running back when all the money is gone.

Original poster

Hils1 · 26/05/2014 19:50

I know £5K sounds a lot. Of the £5K - £2K goes to pay the hall bill (as the student loan doesn't even cover that) about £500 has gone on text books, so that has left her with £2500 which has to cover food during term time and clothes, going out etc during term time and hols. To be fair her course has quite a heavy workload and I don't expect her to work during term-time but the summer hols are a different matter.

OP posts:

muffinino82 · 26/05/2014 21:22

YABU to expect her to live at home with you. She's an adult, she can live wherever she likes. I only went home for a week or so over Christmas.
YANBU to expect her to look for work. I worked from the February of my first year, sometimes 2 jobs at a time. In fact, the reason I stayed at my student digs and didn't go home was because I was working all summer and Christmas holidays. It may be difficult but she should be looking. It will serve her well after graduation to have worked, too, as employers expect some work experience alongside a degree. I hope you're not funding her throughout the summer?

FrancesNiadova · 26/05/2014 21:43

During my uni holidays, I tended to work abroad or stay on & work in the city I was studying in.
I did make sure that I spent the odd weekend with my parents though. Perhaps you could ask her home for a couple of weekends?

PicaK · 26/05/2014 21:55

Feeling guilty cos in my summer hols I didn't work, read all the texts for the next year (did English lit) and made notes so that I was able to read all of the recommended lit crit in term time.

Part of me thinks she's a bit entitled. Part of me sympathises as she would be stuck far from friends. Def feel for the boyfriend's mum who won't have her house to herself.

And yet... She's a lifetime of work to come. Is it that bad now to gift her some time to be young and enjoy it? Is she grateful for your help? Is she working hard?

Agree with the one who says let them fly. Why don't you ask her to spend some time with you doing something nice? Spa? Shopping trip? Walking weekend?

OhMrGove · 26/05/2014 22:07

She's 19. She's a f/t student. I can't help but think perhaps lighten up and let her enjoy her youth and boyfriend...

Gennz · 26/05/2014 22:22

If you're helping her out financially I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to spend a bit of time with you, nor for her to at least try to get a job. If she's supporting herself through uni she can do what she likes.

expatinscotland · 26/05/2014 23:43

I did go home on some weekends and when my job finished (I worked at the university as an advisor for incoming freshers). My job was 40+ hours crammed into 4 days and included a shared room in the halls and meals.

I had a bf with his own flat who was a postgrad student so would stay with him on most off days but when I got a break of more than one day we'd both go to my parents' as his were across the country. Or I'd go to my folks.

50ShadesofGreyMatter · 27/05/2014 11:55

Surely if she got off her arse and worked, she could pay the 5k herself instead of expecting that she can lounge around all summer safe in the knowledge that mummy and daddy with be funding her

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