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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 26/05/2014 12:05

I know HappyMummy. Heaven forbid we have a mind of our own!

JanineStHubbins · 26/05/2014 12:09

OP, you posted this upthread: My sister can't afford holidays at all, she hates the fact she can't afford to take her children away

Don't you think it's not very fair on your sister that your mother and you get to take your sister's children away, paid for by your father?

TheFairyCaravan · 26/05/2014 12:10

Primal if this situation were in my family, I would have the kids to stay at my house. I have had my nieces and nephews many times to help my sister out when she has had a problem with childcare, even when I was pregnant, or had a 6 month old baby and after I had just spent 6 months in a wheelchair following major surgery.

I would rather my dad gave my sister the money to spend doing some fun things with her kids, maybe she could have a few days away with them, because they have all had a shit year and it would probably do them good.

Meanderdeander · 26/05/2014 12:10

I don't see the big deal. The op's father is perfectly capable of saying no if he wishes but it sounds like he'll be only too happy to pay. So what if op gets a holiday out of it; I expect the dad will be pleased he's contributing to that too.

basgetti · 26/05/2014 12:12

I would rather my dad gave my sister the money to spend doing some fun things with her kids, maybe she could have a few days away with them, because they have all had a shit year and it would probably do them good.

Completely agree.

JanineStHubbins · 26/05/2014 12:14

^^agree with TheFairyCaravan as well.

OP I'm sure you mean well, but there are better and kinder ways of helping your sister and her children.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 12:15

I doubt the sister is at all bothered over the OP asking daddy for more money, the OP has said before that the sister has had thousands and thousands off her dad already to help her out so what's another £500 for a second holidayHmm

Asking parents to help in an emergency is one thing, expecting them too continue to fund you as an adult is another. The mother has to do two jobs to fund a holiday fgs, why isn't the sister doing that herself if she wants her children to go away?

Best thing daddy can do is to wise up to being used as a cashpoint and stop all money handouts. Teach them to stand on their own two feet so hopefully the children learn the correct life lessons.

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 12:27

But they are not

Well, clearly I misunderstood the OP when she said "Me and my mom would obviously pay for ourselves, it's just asking if my dad can pay for the children."

DesertRose1958 · 26/05/2014 12:29

Children can be given financial support if family circumstances make it possible and still learn the correct lessons in life.

We're about to fund my teacher daughter through her Masters even though she's married to a young Dr and he has a good wage. She's giving up work to do it but will volunteer at a special needs centre till she's finished then open her own NGO for children with disabilities once done.

The other children, all grown ups with fab professional jobs they had to work very hard to achieve are also on the receiving end of things. There isn't a spoilt brat, show off, or layabout amongst them for the simple fact they were brought up by us. Our thoughts on it all are - we can so why not? Why make your children's life hard when you know yourself how hard it can be? There's loads of ways to build good character in people without going down the road of you must suffer hardship to become a sound person.

Bollocks to that.

Lovecat · 26/05/2014 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 12:30

as the OP will likely expect her child to have a free holiday every year like the cousins do.

I do so love it when people make things up about a poster based on nothing but what is invented by their tiny mind.

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 12:32

The mother has to do two jobs to fund a holiday fgs, why isn't the sister doing that herself if she wants her children to go away?

How do you propose she does this as a single parent with two children and an abusive ex husband?

DeWee · 26/05/2014 12:37

I think it would be perfectly fair enough to ask your father if he'd like to fund a holiday for you and the grandchildren with him.

I think asking him to fund a holiday that he's not invited on isn't quite right.

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 12:38

the OP has said before that the sister has had thousands and thousands off her dad already

Did she really say that?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 26/05/2014 12:40

Its OK to ask and OK ( if not tight) for him to say no. I'd help out close family in the circumstances.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 26/05/2014 12:41

Its OK to ask and OK ( if not tight) for him to say no. I'd help out close family in the circumstances.

flippinada · 26/05/2014 12:41

Lovecat - I think you're being far too generous.

BeggingYouForBirdseed · 26/05/2014 12:50

writer you sound like such a caring sister! What a lovely selfless idea. I hope my sister would do the same if I were in that situation. I hope your dad helps you out, although I'm sure he will because it is for the benefit of his grandchildren. I can't believe the attitude of some people on here. YANBU in the slightest! I'm sure it will all work out for you Thanks

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 26/05/2014 12:58

OP why dont you and your mum give whatever money you two have saved to your sister and let her decide what se wants to do with it (holiday for her and dcs/holiday club for dcs/childminder/or week off work and trips out) and if she feels she wants more money to take the dcs away she can ask her dad for it.

I wouldnt be happy about someone asking someone else for money on my behalf and deciding how it would be spent to 'benefit' me (especially when it would actually be benefitting them!)

nauticant · 26/05/2014 13:10

I echo the genuine concern shown above by Lovecat.

LayMeDown · 26/05/2014 13:21

the OP has said before that the sister has had thousands and thousands off her dad already

Where did she say the HappyMummy?

OP - I think there are better ways to spend your Dads money in this suituation most of which have been mentioned already. Thats just my opinion though. Its not my money so i dont get to decide how its spent. Your Dad does, so just ask him. If he agrees with you he will give it to you, if not he will make suggestions for alternatives, or he'll just say no.
YANBU to ask.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 13:30

Well I've just got back and it's a really, really positive outcome!!

My DH had said to me earlier that he was happy for us to contribute more (as in me take more from the joint account) so that my mom wouldn't have to pay anything as he also knows my mom's financial situation and how much she has already done for the children.

So I went to my dad and just asked if he would go 50/50 with me on the cost and after hearing me explain the situation he said no problem!! Smile We are also going 50/50 on spending money for the children too!!

So although it means I have to pay a bit more it means my dad gets to pay a bit less and my mom doesn't have to pay anything so it's worked out really well.

Even better, my dad is going to come with us for 3 days too Smile

I rang my sister to tell her as she had no idea me and my mom were planning this and she is over the moon and very grateful. She's told the children who are really excited especially as their baby cousin and Grandad will be there too. I'm super excited myself now!

The cottage has now been booked and everyone is happy!! Smile

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 13:30

Laymedown, on another thread but she does also allude to it on here as says the dad helps them both.

I am amazed at how many adults think it's fine for parents to fund a second holiday as the aunt wants one when the childcare could be done perfectly fine at home.

nauticant · 26/05/2014 13:34

Well done OP!

But I fear your update might upset some of the posters on this thread.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/05/2014 13:37

Good result, OP. I still want to know why your sister couldn't ask him, but... irrelevant now. Grin

Why stir it nauticant, are you trying to rile some up?

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