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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
addictedtosugar · 26/05/2014 13:39

Thats fantastic, writer I'm really please everyone has a solution that they are happy with. Sounds like a great compromise to have both Grandparents there for a few days. It really goes to show what a strong, caring relationship you all have, married or not.
Wishing you all a very happy, relaxing time, be that at work or holidays.
Thanks

wheresthelight · 26/05/2014 13:41

Pleased it went well for you!

Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 13:41

My sister couldn't ask him because my sister didn't know anything about it Smile

It's taken a huge weight off her mind and she's probably already dreaming about the bliss of having a child free house for a week Smile

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/05/2014 13:43

Now I can sleep! Thanks Writer Grin

TheFairyCaravan · 26/05/2014 13:44

It makes no difference to me nauticant, the OP asked for opinions so I gave mine.

I would have, also, put money on this being the outcome of the thread!

nochips01 · 26/05/2014 13:52

Great update!!!!! I am so happy for you and your family OP. :)

eddielizzard · 26/05/2014 14:32

that's amazing! see it was well worth asking.

and now your dad's aware he will probably offer next time.

have a great time. you have a lovely family.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 26/05/2014 14:35

Awesome result! The fact that you're paying half even though you have your own young family to support is so kind of you.

A holiday with both grandparents and a new baby cousin - the kids must be sooooo excited!

When I broke up with my exh my family rallied around me like this. Took me on holiday and housed me rent free and also free childcare. They would never stand by and watch me suffer and I'm vvv grateful for that. I also do the same for them

Desertrose I want to be just like you when my kids grow up. Helping them whenever I can if I can afford it. Mumof one seems to think adults shouldn't ask their parents for help but I'll always want to help them out in anyway I can

fubbsy · 26/05/2014 14:42

Glad it all worked out and everyone is happy writer Thanks

MamaLazarou · 26/05/2014 15:04

Nice one, OP, glad it all worked out for you. I hope you have a lovely holiday!

PrimalLass · 26/05/2014 15:20

Let it go "Happy"MummyOfOne, you are sounding very bitter.

Viviennemary · 26/05/2014 15:55

Why on earth can people not give their opinion without being accused of being thick, bitter or something else.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 16:29

MN has long since been a place where you can post your own opinions, you are supposed to agree with the crowd. God forbid you have your own mind or morals.

The OP got her own way just dressed up as "won't somebody think of the poor children, they've not had a holiday for a few months".

The thread just shows how many people believe that parents should support their adult children with luxury items. Self responsibility went out of the window along time ago for many, husbands or parents have to pay for everything and if they don't they are mean, selfish or controlling according to MN. The culture of I want it so somebody else has to pay is astounding.

PrimalLass · 26/05/2014 16:42

HappyMummyofOne - you can give your opinion without going completely OTT. You have been incredibly unpleasant. The OP was asking her whole family to rally round and help her sister. Most families help each other, whether that is financially, emotionally or practically. My parents helped us out financially but were very far away geographically for a long time so I had to stand on my own two feet quite a bit before my peers. Now they can't afford it and my mum has needed quite a bit of emotional support. It is all give and take.

It is your response here that is astounding.

flippinada · 26/05/2014 16:52

It's ok to give your opinion and to disagree, but the devil is in the detail isn't it.

Spot the difference (paraphrasing) - "I don't think this is a good idea, why don't you do x instead" versus "You're a selfish money grabber and your sisters kids are spoilt brats who don't deserve a break"?

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 17:01

So, despite it being a site for adults, we have to use fluffy sentences Hmm I must have stumbled onto an alternative reality, it's ok to swear but not ok to voice your opinion truthfully.

Don't ask AIBU if you don't want to hear replies that disagree with you.

PrimalLass · 26/05/2014 17:05

Or don't use OTT language when responding to an AIBU if you don't want anyone to comment on it. Are you so forthright IRL?

Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 17:07

The OP got her own way just dressed up as "won't somebody think of the poor children, they've not had a holiday for a few months".

And what was my 'own way' exactly mummy??

The end result is that me, my parents and nieces and nephews are going away for a week so my sister doesn't have to take a week off work and lose her wages. Its a trip away that I'm paying 50% for.

I really don't see what the big crime is??

OP posts:
flippinada · 26/05/2014 17:09

Don't be silly HMO. MN is full of people voicing strong opinions and the site is very lightly moderated. Folk disagree with each other all the time.

Tbh, if you are determined to see the worst of motives in what was clearly intended as an act of kindness, and are unable to see the difference between character assassination and constructive criticism, then there's no point engaging further.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 17:11

Your sister didn't have to have the week off as you and your mum could easily cover childcare.

Your own way was the holiday given you have numerous posts moaning about not having had one in years so you made the grand gesture whilst expecting others to fund it under the guise of "those poor boys need it".

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 26/05/2014 17:16

Happymummy, is your idea of a spectacular holiday a week in a chalet with your parents and someone else's kids and an infant? Confused Hmm

Well it takes all kinds. Because personally it's my idea of hell and I think the OP is being a saint. I'm sure her sister will think so too.

I have to agree with a pp and say you have one of the most ironic names on MN, because all of your posts are miserable, mean spirited, and bitter

Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 17:16

"Your sister didn't have to have the week off as you and your mum could easily cover childcare"

So that's your problem? Your issues is that we thought they'd prefer to have a week away rather than stay at home? You don't agree with us going away because it means the children are spoilt?

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 26/05/2014 17:20

Seriously Writer, ignore, ignore, ignore. Really pleased for you, excellent outcome for everyone concerned, including your Dad. :)

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 17:21

No I disagree with fleecing others as an adult. If you offered, you should pay. Stand on your own two feet, you have a family of your own yet still running to daddy.

They don't need another week away and quite frankly if they can't behave for a week whilst a relative cares for them as a favour to their mum then do they actually deserve another holiday? I'd be mortified if somebody wrote what you did about your nephews about my DS.

You make it sound like you gain nothing from this and that it's just a saintly gesture, saintly gestures don't usually get a free family holiday throw in.

KeinBock · 26/05/2014 17:23

Seriously, don't bite, Op. Just enjoy your holiday :)