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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 26/05/2014 07:35

It's not nasty it's a genuine question! Other people read the threads too your know.

Swoosg · 26/05/2014 07:37

I would tell him the amount you need...it doesn't sound like he will be able to guess, and may respond better to a specific request than a vague one.

Good luck!

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 07:38

It's something that didn't need raising and actually I am quite upset you mentioned it. I have never posted about my problems with my baby in AIBU from a serious angle, I've done that in forums where I needed support. For you to bring it up on here as another way for you and now, no doubt others, as a way of having a go at me is really low.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 26/05/2014 07:40

I am sorry you see it that way but actually it was a genuine concern.

flippinada · 26/05/2014 07:42

Writer honestly, don't rise to it. Go ask your Dad. His opinion is the only one that really counts here.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 07:43

It wasn't said out of concern at all. Your comment was quite attacking and you know it. But anyway, let's just leave it. This thread isn't about my coping skills as a new mother but like I said, thank you for bringing it to everyone's attention.

OP posts:
flippinada · 26/05/2014 07:45

Wow, there's some nasty people about. Struggling with a young baby is hardly a crime is it? Many of us have been there.

wheresthelight · 26/05/2014 07:48

Flip I was asking if she was struggling how she was gonna come with another 2 kids to look after too. I was not attacking her but fair enough if she wants to be a martyr fair enough

kungfupannda · 26/05/2014 07:49

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking him to help your sister out, but I'd be more inclined to sit down with him and look at your sister's situation as a whole, and see what he's willing to offer.

It may well be that he will offer a reasonable sum that could be better used to improve things for them than for a holiday which is going to work out relatively expensive.

I think that, by asking him to contribute to you arranging a holiday for her children, it does blur the lines a little, in terms of who the money is for. If they're so badly-off at the moment, would it not be better to see if he's wiling to help out with some of their living costs in the short-term? A holiday is a luxury, and it might not focus his mind on how much one of his children is struggling. If he's willing to help out more generally, then it might free some money up for everyone to muck in and entertain the children without spending hundreds on a holiday, and then everything being a struggle again when they come back.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 26/05/2014 07:50

OP I have no idea why people are being so negative towards you. Just ask. And actually if I had a father with lots of spare money yes I would expect him to be generous to his family otherwise I would think he was very selfish (shock horror I must be very entitled!).

If s

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 07:53

Asking me "how the hell am I going to manage when I can't cope with my baby?!" isn't attacking?

Considering your question was out of concern there would have been much nicer ways to say it. Or at least done it privately.

But anyway, you've made your point so let's just leave it at that.

OP posts:
flippinada · 26/05/2014 07:55

No you weren't. "Genuine question". Aye right.

chocolatewine · 26/05/2014 07:56

Some of the bitchiness on this thread is unbelievable. wheresthelight did you do a search on the writers name to find something to trip her up on? There is NO WAY that you posted that out of concern.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 08:01

My sister can manage on a day to day basis and my dad did help her get back on her feet when she left her ex - she literally had nothing. It's just this one week she's struggling for. We could do activities every day but I think they'd just like a trip away instead, they deserve it too in our eyes. My DH has said that if my dad isn't willing to help then we can review how much I contribute so I know there's that back up too. If my dad can't help then that's fine. I'm asking him to help us, not fund it.

We just want to do something nice for the children and give my sister a much needed rest.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 26/05/2014 08:04

No chocolate actually I have been on other parts of the forum funnily enough and offered advice in her other threads. I have apologised if it was taken the wrong way, perhaps my phrasing was clumsy but it was out of concern thank you

Slutbucket · 26/05/2014 08:10

I haven't read the whole thread. I'm a firm believer in if you don't ask you don't get. Give specifics what us the worst that can happen?

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 26/05/2014 08:14

Your family sounds so kind and supportive of each other. Your dh too. This is what being a family is all about. I think your dad will be more than happy to contribute. Tell him to chuck in some extra so your sister can have a pampering spa day too!

Your sister is lucky to have you all.

I too don't understand the mumsnet hate for being entitled. I'm from an African background where people see it as their responsibility to help family members out financially, paying school fees, Doctor bills etc and all our old clothes are always taken there to help someone out.

I hope the kids absolutely love their holiday. Maybe your dad will make this an annual event...

SanityClause · 26/05/2014 08:18

I don't see why you shouldn't ask your father to help out. And he may well come up with other suggestions about how to deal with the childcare situation, too.

Please ignore HappyMummy. He/she is always unpleasant and sanctimonious on these threads.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 26/05/2014 08:18

I agree chocolate - op is trying to do something nice for her sister's kids and is being made out to be grasping. Completely out of order. Then her newborn gets dragged into it too sheesh!

pettybetty · 26/05/2014 08:22

I think the OPs mum and the children will also help the OP with the baby - it would be an adventure, and they would all 'cope' with the baby together.

When I was young I loved being around babies, and the thought of a holiday with my baby cousins (6 - 10 years younger than me) was a real treat.

Chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2014 08:23

Why is it when anyone disagrees with you or points out that YABU, you accuse them of attacking you or being nasty? If someone has supported you on another thread, it's not like they've gone searching through your posting history to find something to upset you.

You are aware you've posted asking for opinions, right? Confused

pettybetty · 26/05/2014 08:24

Meant to add I think the holiday sounds like a fab idea. Also, having been a single mum before, I loved it when my family took my kids for a few days whether I was working or sitting on my bum doing nothing. I completely get where the OPs sister would love to have some time to herself.

Slutbucket · 26/05/2014 08:29

You sound a lovely auntie and sister and daughter too. I think your dad sounds line he'll be fine with the request and he'll probably give the money willingly. Families do this for each other.

FamiliesShareGerms · 26/05/2014 08:30

I would put the problem in its broadest form to my dad rather than say "I've worked out the best answer is to take them on another holiday but we're all skint so can you cough up £500 please?"

I think it's better for him to be a proper part of the solution than just a wallet

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 08:32

chipped - well I will know now that some people who offer support are quick to turn round and use my upset/difficulties as a way to make me look weak and demean me - or whatever whereisthelight was trying to do.

Anyway, I'm off to get ready now as I'm meeting my dad in a few hours. I will come back and let you know the outcome - hopefully it will be good news.

Thanks to everyone for your support and kind words and also to those whose criticism was constructive, it has made take into account how my dad may be perceive my request and also think about what his reaction may be. Thanks as well to those who offered alternative options, it will give me and my something to consider and look into if the holiday falls through.

I will be back later Smile

OP posts:
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