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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
basgetti · 25/05/2014 17:28

If you and your Mum are free that week, can you look after the children anyway so that your sister can work? That way if he says yes it's a bonus but if he doesn't then she still won't have to miss out on a week's pay.

sooperdooper · 25/05/2014 17:28

Or couldn't she find a different childminder just for that week, or a holiday club? She's got plenty of time to look into it

magpiegin · 25/05/2014 17:32

I can't understand why you're asking your dad for money and noHmm your sister if she needs it? It sounds like the children's dad should be sorting the child care.

It's your dad's choice what he does with his wages, if he earns his money if he wants to spend it on 4 holidays then it is his choice just like it's your mum's choice to spend hers on taking the kids away, each to their own.

SuperScrimper · 25/05/2014 17:33

I hate it when people have lovely intentions but expect me to pay for it.

If you want to take them away, you pay. Why should anyone else pay for your idea?

Oakmaiden · 25/05/2014 17:34

Why not use a holiday club?

I know they cost, but it is a lot less than a holiday... You could ask your dad if he would mind contributing to that -- I think asking him to pay for a holiday is a bit Hmm Whereas asking for help towards childcare is a bit less so, although it is still his right to say no.

JanineStHubbins · 25/05/2014 17:41

If you and your mum are free that week, why not just look after the children at home?

KellyHopter · 25/05/2014 17:42

How much were would you be paying for your share of the holiday op?

Anyway you could give it to your sister instead, to help with holiday club or for her to take the unpaid leave?

Though ultimately I think it's her ex who should be sorting this out. As far as your dad is concerned, I'd not ask him for a thing.

Viviennemary · 25/05/2014 17:44

If grandparents pay for holidays and other stuff it's nice. But it isn't an obligation. I don't think people should ask relatives for money except in an emergency.

slithytove · 25/05/2014 17:47

With regards to the paid/unpaid leave, yes it's legal.

It's possible that the company already has their maximum people out that week that rotas/budgets can cope with. So they have to decline annual leave, which is perfectly acceptable. It's only a request after all.

They can then offer unpaid leave as this leaves money in the budget to get a replacement staff member.

Happens all the time in retail.

ProtegeMoi · 25/05/2014 18:12

Seems it would make more sense to have the children at home and maybe ask dad to contribute some money towards your sister seeing as things are so tight. I am sure that will be more beneficial then taking them on another holiday. Maybe even ask him to help so your sister can take them away during her week off. Big difference between asking for essential financial help and a holiday in my opinion.

ikeaismylocal · 25/05/2014 18:19

So you expect your father to pay for a holiday for you, your mum and 3 kids to avoid an 8 and 6 year old getting bored? I think that is ridiculous. If you go away you/your mum will be responsible for them 24 hours a day, if you stay at home presumably your sister will have them in the evenings?

I'd check with your sister first, if your father is going to put up a sum of money to support her it should be your sister's decision what happens with the money, maybe she'd rather stay at home with her children and have some day trips.

If they do go on holiday will you really have to go too? Personally I have found looking after my baby and the 9/5 year olds I sometimes look after no problem at all, but if you feel unable to look after them then there isn't much point in you going.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 18:21

Lots of replies - thank you everyone. Lots of things to think about. Me and my mom would obviously pay for ourselves, it's just asking if my dad can pay for the children. My mom's parents have offered to pay but they're in their 80's and only have their pension, it just doesn't seem right. I completely accept that my dad may say no and that's his right, but I still feel I should ask.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 25/05/2014 18:24

I'm sorry but this sounds like a very unnecessary situation. All this because children need to go on holiday so they don't get bored Hmm.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/05/2014 18:25

Why dont the children and your mum all come and stay with your for the week, or you and son go with the children to your mums that way you are there to support your mum ad vice versa but no holiday expense.

slithytove · 25/05/2014 18:25

Would your sister like a week at home with her DC?

If so, might be more prudent with her agreement to see if DF will help her out to facilitate the loss of wages. Rather than a holiday,

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 18:26

No, it's because they've had a horrible year, been exposed to some very upsetting things and come through it brilliantly. They never ask for anything and they deserve something nice to happen to them.

OP posts:
basgetti · 25/05/2014 18:27

I still don't understand why you and your Mum can't do childcare for your sister so she doesn't lose wages.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 18:29

slithytove To be honest I think sister could do with a break from them. Their father is pretty much next to useless and she never has any time for herself anymore. He certainly doesn't do his fair share in the childcare unfortunately.

OP posts:
TheHouseatWhoCorner · 25/05/2014 18:31

Surely a holiday club makes more sense? Your DM wouldn't need to use up annual leave, your DSis could be around when not working.

Maybe between you you could almost halve the holiday club cost by having them a half day each (you, your DM, DSis and DDad).

My DD goes to a holiday club and has brilliant fun. She gets to try things she doesn't get to experience otherwise. She's exhausted at the end of each day and sleeps like a log.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 18:33

My mom could look after them every day at her house but she'd hate it and so would they. They'd be bored, they'd probably start playing up and bickering and my mom would be driven crazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 18:35

Thanks house - that hadn't been considered. It sounds good that they do activities for children they might not otherwise get to do. I will have a Google and see if there's anything local. Cheers!

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 25/05/2014 18:39

You don't need to ask for money, just entertain them at home. What sort of children can't cope with being home for a week? Alternatively, ask the CM if she knows another that can step in.

Your sister is an adult. There's no way I'd let another adult take on a second job every year to fund a holiday. They are luxuries not essentials.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/05/2014 18:42

So if the children get bored your mum can take them out. Not difficult.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 18:44

But we really want to take them away. My sister can't afford holidays at all, she hates the fact she can't afford to take her children away. The children never ask for or expect anything which is why my mom likes to take them away, as a treat and reward for them. Even if my sister told our mom to stop doing 2nd jobs and stop taking the children away, there's no way my mom would just say, "ok then." She does it because she loves her grandchildren and wants them to have something to look forward to.

OP posts:
SuperScrimper · 25/05/2014 18:51

If you really want to do it so much, you pay for it! I just don't get why you'd expect someone else to.

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