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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 26/05/2014 08:34

Ohbfor heaven sake stop acting like a martyr.

I have explained and apologised if it was taken the wrong way and yet you repeatedly attack me.

Chipped - there is no helping some people and apparently they only post for the replies they feel support their view on things

Chippednailvarnish · 26/05/2014 08:39

well I will know now that some people who offer support are quick to turn round and use my upset/difficulties as a way to make me look weak and demean me - or whatever whereisthelight was trying to do

Demean you?!? I think you're being a tad melodramatic...

flippinada · 26/05/2014 09:09

Well, it's been suggested by various posters that she's a selfish, entitled money grabber and her sisters kids (who by the sounds of it have been through a rotten year) must be spoilt, badly behaved brats.

I'd be feeling "got at" too.

nauticant · 26/05/2014 09:19

Wow, there are some mean-spirited posters on this thread. And some of them have wholly inappropriate names. They really need to have a think about why they'd come on a thread like this just to stick the boot in.

There's no problem with asking OP, especially since you seem to be sensitive about the issues and open-minded about the outcome. Here's hoping your Dad says "of course I'll help" and your sister can get on a more even keel.

DesertRose1958 · 26/05/2014 09:21

Another one wishing you good luck in your quest today. :)

MrsCampbellBlack · 26/05/2014 09:30

I'd ask for the money. In my real world parents frequently help thir adult offspring with money.

And its bad form to drag stuff from other threads and then to play the concerned card.

Good luck, I suspect your dad will be delighted to help.

MamaLazarou · 26/05/2014 09:36

YANBU to ask but it does seem a strangely convoluted way of doing things. Instead of asking your dad to fund a holiday, why not present him with the problem and ask for his help with solving it? A much more reasonable request than just being asked for £500 outright.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 26/05/2014 09:40

*from the OP:

my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father

Hmmm why didn't she think to ask the financially abusive xBIL for money? Hmm

As for the "concern trolling". Op will be going away with new baby and her mum, so won't be coping on her own. And her sister wants a week to herself. She doesn't need the money to stay home to spend even more time on her own with her children when she is already being a single parent to them. Nothing wrong with wanting some time off

ModernToss · 26/05/2014 10:19

Best of luck, OP. YANBU at all; it's a very kind thought, and your sister will appreciate the respite.

cjelh · 26/05/2014 10:29

I haven't read all this but would ask if you think its worth it!!

Also I haven't had a holiday for 14years so don't understand the holiday need thing.Smile
I would have them with me at hers or yours with dms help it will be easier for them to stay at home and you just have them for the day.
Not criticising just a bit dense and don't understand how going away is easier!!

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 10:39

Another AIBU where the OP spits her dummy out when not all the replies agree with her.

There is a free solution in place without the need for a holiday but the OP won't contemplate that as she hasn't had a holiday in years and obviously wants this one with her child so is selling it to dad on the basis it's for the poor little grandchildren.

Imagine this being posted from a Parent/PIL" is my daughter being U to ask for £500 for a second holiday for grandchildren, my ex wife and her family as my grandsons are too badly behaved to stay home for a week". I wonder how many would say of course you should pay Hmm

Viviennemary · 26/05/2014 11:09

If parents choose to treat adult children and offer that's good. If adult children are in financial trouble yes they can approach a parent. What is not right is thinking parents of adults have an obligation to pay for holidays and other non essentials. They haven't.

flippinada · 26/05/2014 11:12

Happymummyofone - possibly the most ironic user name on MN.

EvaBeaversProtege · 26/05/2014 11:12

Could you not ask your dad for some money & give it to your sister?

That way she can take the week off work, do local stuff with dc & not miss out on money?

And it wouldn't be anything like £500.

I don't understand why they can't go to your house on their holidays!! That way it's free & your sister can go to work.

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 11:13

is my daughter being U to ask for £500 for a second holiday for grandchildren, my ex wife and her family

Actually it's just for the children. The others would pay for themselves.

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/05/2014 11:19

My dad has paid for DD and I to fly to South Africa later in the year.

not helpful

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 26/05/2014 11:24

For crying out loud, what is wrong with some of the posters here??

OP, I cannot for the life of me understand anyone giving you a hard time over this. You sound like a lovely, caring aunt and sister. You don't expect your dad to chip in for this holiday idea, and there's nothing wrong with asking him given that he is in a position to do so if he wants to.

The comments about you and your baby have absolutely crossed the line, and that poster should be ashamed of themselves for trying to undermine you in that manner.

YANBU to ask for your dad's help. You are all family, and pitching in to do kind, helpful things for one another is what families do. I would consider myself very lucky to have a sister like you.

nauticant · 26/05/2014 11:32

On the positive side, threads like these provide the useful service of enabling nasty posters to out themselves.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/05/2014 11:42

Why can't your sister ask, Writer? It is a nice idea that you've had but, if I was your dad, I'd be wondering why YOU were asking on my other daughter's behalf. It would feel - and be - very odd. Confused

Apologies if you've already said in the thread but I can't find it.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 11:48

"Actually it's just for the children. The others would pay for themselves."

But they are not as the OP says that Butlins at £1k was totally out of budget the cottage must be far less. If the dad has to pay £500 for two young children, then the costs for two adults and a baby are less? I doubt it.

Given the OP admits their dad helps them out regularly, at what point do they stop asking for things? These are grown women with children and the OP has a spouse.

It's not like there is no other choice. The children have already had a holiday and don't need a holiday cottage to do days out from as days out can be done from home, aunties or grans. However if they don't fleece daddy, there's no holiday for the aunt and she hasn't had one in years. Hmm.

Wonder if the mum will have to take on a third job as the OP will likely expect her child to have a free holiday every year like the cousins do.

TheFairyCaravan · 26/05/2014 11:52

Since when has having a different opinion made you 'nasty'?Hmm

basgetti · 26/05/2014 11:56

I just feel a bit sorry for the sister and hope she is included in any decisions about how to spend the money if it is given. It wouldn't be fair if Mum and Auntie have a great holiday spoiling the DCs and having fun, and the following week Mum is cooped up at home with the children with no money to take them anywhere and have a nice time too.

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/05/2014 12:00

TheFairy, it's not allowed on MN to disagree with the herd and if you do you are nasty Hmm Having your own opinion is not encouraged.

PrimalLass · 26/05/2014 12:03

I think that what you are offering is lovely, and that it is not U at all to ask your dad to help financially.

I sometimes wonder what planet people are on here.

PrimalLass · 26/05/2014 12:04

Are everyone's family relationships so fucked up that it is massively U to ask parents for a hand?

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