Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 26/05/2014 17:23

Some people think AIBU is designed for trolling (in the on-mumsnet sense)

Also know as keyboard warriors :)
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Keyboard%20Warrior

Lottiedoubtie · 26/05/2014 17:24

The thread just shows how many people believe that parents should support their adult children with luxury items. Self responsibility went out of the window along time ago for many, husbands or parents have to pay for everything and if they don't they are mean, selfish or controlling according to MN. The culture of I want it so somebody else has to pay is astounding.

You can ask without thinking negatively of the person if they say no. Lots of people like to help out their families.

Your sister didn't have to have the week off as you and your mum could easily cover childcare

Gosh you really don't like the OP do you? On the one hand she shouldn't ask family for any help. On the other her sister should expect her and her mother to just do a weeks free childcare with no additional luxuries.

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/05/2014 17:25

Sheesh.

Is there a backstory to your feelings HappyMummy?

My dad is housebound and has little to spend his money on. He pays for dd and I to visit my brother in South Africa every couple of years. Do you think I am fleecing him?

Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 17:27

What atrocious thing did I ever say about my niece and nephew? I have said they'd probably get bored and starting playing up/bickering if they had to spend every day at my mom's house. In my opinion that's pretty normal behaviour for siblings? What is 'mortifying' about that???

What else have I said that implies they don't deserve a holiday??

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 17:30

You're right lottie - she clearly has a problem with me and I can't be arsed to indulge it anymore by arguing.

I bet she think my mom is a freeloader now seeing as me and my dad are covering her costs....

OP posts:
iirc · 26/05/2014 17:34

I'm glad he's agreed to help.

It baffles me all these people who say 'don't ask your Dad he's done his parenting' or something to that affect.

I mean yes he has done his parenting but it doesn't mean he's wiped his hands of all involvement with his grandchildren.

Most families want to help eachother out that is quite common.

If he said no that's fair enough but surely you'd want to help your child as best you can.

TheCatThatSmiled · 26/05/2014 17:35

oh it's not you Writer, there's a certain judgemental, hypercritical tone that regular readers of AIBU, chat, sometimes even relationships, will recognise. :)

lurkerspeaks · 26/05/2014 17:35

I don't understand why you are getting a hard time.

I would ask my Dad to fund something like this in the expectation that he would contribute.

This is the way our family works. He would be upset if we didn't ask (and in fact has just paid for my sister and I to travel home from far flung places in some degree of style for a family funeral). I tried to refuse but got a stern talking to from my aunt who pointed out that this was his blokey way of trying to show he cares… paying for business class travel!

ChestyNut · 26/05/2014 17:35

Glad it worked out OP and you have a lovely time together Smile

happymummy what is your problem with OP? Hmm

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 26/05/2014 17:39

No I disagree with fleecing others as an adult. If you offered, you should pay. Stand on your own two feet, you have a family of your own yet still running to daddy.

No, she didn't offer anything. Her sister didn't know about it. She, her mother and father all got together to contribute to a nice holiday for their mutual relatives at the Op's instigation.

You seem to be failing at reading comprehension.

If my grandchildren had basically had their father fuck off and show them no interest and had a miserable year.. I'd want to do something nice for them. It's normal.
or

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 26/05/2014 17:41

What atrocious thing did I ever say about my niece and nephew? I have said they'd probably get bored and starting playing up/bickering if they had to spend every day at my mom's house. In my opinion that's pretty normal behaviour for siblings? What is 'mortifying' about that???

Happy mum of one. She'll learn one day Wink.

Lottiedoubtie · 26/05/2014 17:47

You broke one of the unwritten rules of AIBU OP Grin

  1. Don't ask family for money.
  2. Don't ask family for childcare (but be eternally grateful and put up with all kinds of shit if they do it)
  3. Don't have a wedding that costs more than £25.50
4....

There are loads more but they escape me right now!

It's nice to see a happy, functioning family buck an AIBU trend occasionally! Smile

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 26/05/2014 17:48

OFFS my parents love to treat us to little luxuries now and again including - horrors - taking us away for a week so they can spend lots of time with their grand kids. We certainly don't expect then to but it makes them happy not us entitled!

In fact we've two such weeks away this year - with DM and DD and another with PIL - guess I am really am awful awful person and should have said no...

Glad it's all worked out OP

cjelh · 26/05/2014 17:50

Havetea....Not the same as asking though?

I think it sounds like you will all have a lovely week.

Enjoy.

ModernToss · 26/05/2014 18:06

Excellent! Good for your dad. I hope you all have a wonderful time.

amicissimma · 26/05/2014 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MollyHooper · 26/05/2014 18:18

A nice, loving family working together to help their struggling sister/daughter out.

Ya bunch of fleecing, freeloading, horrible stinkpots.

It's vile I say, VILE!

BetsyBell · 26/05/2014 19:16

I read the beginning of this thread this morning and I'm really pleased for you about the outcome OP - what a lovely and supportive family you have, and how wonderful for you to want to do this lovely thing. :)

OwlCapone · 26/05/2014 19:24

So, despite it being a site for adults, we have to use fluffy sentences I must have stumbled onto an alternative reality, it's ok to swear but not ok to voice your opinion truthfully..

No, but it's best not to try and sound quite so unpleasant and bitchy if y don't want to be pulled up on it.

You make it sound like you gain nothing from this and that it's just a saintly gesture, saintly gestures don't usually get a free family holiday throw in.

You do realise the OP is paying 50% of the entire cost don't you? On what planet is that a free holiday?

Writerwannabe83 · 26/05/2014 20:04

Thanks everyone for your well wishes for the holiday! I'm already panicking about driving there though. I'm in Leicestershire so it's a pretty long drive to Snowdonia I expect? I will be following closely behind my mom!!

OP posts:
TheCatThatSmiled · 26/05/2014 20:48

Its a fairly easy motorway drive on the M5, orA5 is also good. About 3.5 hours steady drive on either. and you go through some really pretty countryside :)

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/05/2014 21:03

North Wales is my spiritual home. You will love it. I should me there now but dd is revising.

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/05/2014 21:08

North Wales is my spiritual home. You will love it. I should me there now but dd is revising.

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/05/2014 21:08

See

GatoradeMeBitch · 26/05/2014 21:27

Great news OP. In your faces vipers Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread