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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/05/2014 21:06

I am in NI and we are going to wicklow which is south of dublin. Obviously not an option for you unless you got a good deal on the ferry? Im sure if you do search for glamping in your area you could find something for a decent enough price.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 21:07

I will be paying more towards it than my mom, she can't afford much. Me and my mom have looked at what we can afford and will just be asking my dad if he can help with rest.

I actually think my sister would love, and needs the break. Since leaving their father she has pretty much carried the brunt of everything. She has no support off him whatsoever, she needs to herself. The plan is we take them away for the first week of August and then when we get back it is the start of my sister's week of Annual Leave for her to spend with them.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 25/05/2014 21:07

I wouldn't ask personally. It seems a ridiculous amount of money to spend to prevent two children getting bored! Between you and your mum you could easily look after them at home. Trips to the park cost nothing, baking is pence, an afternoon at the cinema is less than £20 or you could hire a DVD do popcorn in the microwave and have a home cinema day. You just need to use your imaginations.

mommy2ash · 25/05/2014 21:08

yes its nice for the kids if it works out but i think it would be equally nice for your sister if you just minded her kids while she went to work so she didn't have to take unpaid leave. with family around to help im not sure why she would even need to take the time off, surely when the situation arose either you or your mum offered to have them?

a weeks worth of babysitting i would be happy to offer.

KeinBock · 25/05/2014 21:15

The UK is definitely pretty expensive compared to other places...

Have a look at some of these deals for Centre Parcs in Europe.

As little as €379 for a midweek four night break in a cottage in August, or just €199 for this half term.

A similar deal at Centre Parcs in the UK costs twice as much!

ikeaismylocal · 25/05/2014 21:16

But will you sister have any money to treat her dc? It would be a shame for her dc to have a great holiday with you and then s really dull time with their mum because she has no money to take them anywhere.

kirako · 25/05/2014 21:18

No SueDNim my post didn't suggest that the children were an add-on to a jolly that the adults' wanted at all. Like many other posters I said an extra £500 to cover two young children seemed a lot. OP had previously said that the money was to cover the children, not her or her mum. I asked if they were flying because driving and self catering should be about the same for them all as just for the 2 adults.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 21:26

My dad has just text me actually to check what time I'm coming tomorrow and he did say that if he can help in any way then he will (he doesn't know yet how much money is needed and why). I just told him that it's something nice for the grandchildren and also something that will help my sister out. I explained that me and mom are paying towards to it and we just want to see if he can help split the costs. I reassured him that I don't see him as some kind of cash cow and his reply text message said, "Moo" Smile

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 25/05/2014 21:28

So it's gone from me and mum will pay for ourselves and just need the children's costs to £500 being the bulk of the holiday cost Hmm how nice to offer something that you aren't actually paying for.

Surely it's better just to keep the children at home for the were then use the money you and your mum have for days out the week she is off too. The children don't need a second holiday so suspect this is more about the OP wanting a week away. The children will be no different in behaviour at home than in a holiday cottage. They would still need to be entertained.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 25/05/2014 21:28

I wouldn't hesitate to do it - it's your dad and his grandkids. Surely he knows things are tight and on that salary unless he's got very high outgoings that's very affordable.

If that's not what family's for then the world is a sad place Sad

Just say you'd like to treat the kids but moneys a bit tight and would he like to chip in. If not fair enough but he might not be someone who doing this would occur to.

As an aside could you and you dad not go instead then he's paying for his own holiday and I think you said your mum had already been?

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 21:30

You're right mummy - you've worked me out. I'm desperate for a holiday and spending a week in a holiday camp for children is my dream destination!!! Thank God I've got nieces and nephews to help me swindle money out my dad to fund my perfect holiday!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 21:32

havetea - there's no way my dad would entertain taking the children on holiday!! He sometimes has them overnight but only one at a time Grin He couldn't cope with both at the same time, let alone for the week Grin

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 25/05/2014 21:32

Is it a holiday camp or a cottage? Confused

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/05/2014 21:35

Given you said Butlins was too expensive at £1000 it seems the grandad is paying the bulk for you to go away. It can't be much the other adults are contributing and certainly not the share for themselves.

However, you're quite clearly intent on making him pay for your wishes rather than choose an option you can afford yourself. Grand gestures are nice but usually the person making them pays.

NearTheWindymill · 25/05/2014 21:38

Thing is the issue is that your sister needs to take a week of unpaid leave and is skint.

You want to deal with this by you and your mum taking the children away for a holiday that you want your dad to pay for so your sister can go to work. Is that right?

I think it would be better to ask your father if he can give your sister the money she will lose because she can't work and which her xp will not or cannot pay. That way your dsis gets a week at home with the dc and doesn't lose out financially.

I don't quite get how you and your mum get a holiday out of this and your sister doesn't.

TheFairyCaravan · 25/05/2014 21:40

Good point Windymill. The sister gets to spent her week with the kids at home, skint! The kids will be bored as well according to the OP so the sister will not have much of a break.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/05/2014 21:47

Windymill, makes sense but then the OP doesn't get her holiday paid for by daddy Hmm

There actually isn't a problem, sister needs to work and mum and sibling can both assist with childcare. No holiday needed and if the children can't behave for a week for other people then they don't deserve a week away. Rewarding bad behaviour will solve nothing.

flippinada · 25/05/2014 21:49

I hope you consider yourself told Writer.

What ON EARTH were you thinking of? Wanting to treat your DNs and thinking your Dad might like to help? How very dare you! I hope you realise how entitled and selfish you are.

Wink
mimishimmi · 25/05/2014 21:51

YANBU to ask. Perhaps you could also offer that he could think about coming with you all to sweeten the deal. He would get more time with his grand kids. Unfortunately he has every right to say no and the fact that he earns much more probably wouldn't be reason enough to sway him - did your parents divorce because he was earning so much more than your mum (if she was earning at all) back then and he felt that you were all a financial burden? If that's so, it might be very difficult to persuade him to contribute. Does he contribute towards Christmas dinners etc?

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 25/05/2014 21:54

Again. THis would be a massive shit holiday for the op.

Also as for grand gestures, I am sure the OP will say that the grandfather is helpipng with the money and not pretending to have done it herself?

flippinada · 25/05/2014 21:59

Some posters just like to put the worst spin on everything ReallyF. Says more about them than the OP tbh.

BarbarianMum · 25/05/2014 22:13

Here's an idea to chew on: maybe the OP's dad would be happy to help. Maybe he loves his grandchildren. Maybe he's just a bit self-centered so doesn't think to offer. Maybe he's unaware that his dd is in a jam w childcare?

OP my sympathies I have no idea why you are getting a hard time on here YANBU

SueDNim · 25/05/2014 22:22

Wouldn't we all try to cadge money to be able to spend a week with someone else's children in Wales?

The OP and her mum are stepping up - I am amazed by some of the negative responses on here.

I'd guess that the OP's relationship with her dad wouldn't be good enough to be able to ask this if her parents had divorced because he felt she was a financial burden. Surely that would sour relations.

slithytove · 25/05/2014 22:22

I have no issue with the dad being asked, it's normal.

But I find it a bit odd that if all of this happens, that OP you and your mum get a (presumably) nice week on holiday with your sisters kids, while your sister has to work? Is that genuinely her preference?

RiverTam · 25/05/2014 22:29

My sister asked my Boss for an extra week annual leave but because it's the summer holiday it has already been allocated fairly amongst all staff. They have said she can have the week off but only in-paid.

that doesn't make any sense to me - if it's not convenient for her to take holiday at that moment, as they need the cover because others have booked leave, then why is it fine for her to take the same leave but unpaid? I would get her to go back to her boss and clarify that.