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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my dad for this money?

294 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 16:59

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 18:55

I don't expect him to, I'm going to ask if he will.
There's a big difference.

If he says no then we won't go but I'd hate to think I hadn't asked and the children miss out.

OP posts:
Swoosg · 25/05/2014 18:56

Yes just ask him... He might be tight but respond to a well-argued case if given time to think about it. That's what my dad was like.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/05/2014 19:01

Why can't you pay? It won't cost much more for two children instead of guilt tripping your dad.

I'd be questioning my parenting if my child/children couldn't stay home without bickering and playing up for a week and expected a holiday. Might be a good lesson for them to learn.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 19:01

He's not tight as such, he has helped both me and my sister out in the past, I just don't think he realises the small things he could do which would help. Sometimes the idea has to be planted for him to think it over as opposed to him considering the idea for himself first. If that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 19:06

That's really out of order happymom - as I have already said, the children never ask for or expect anything. They don't even ask their mom for toys as they know she can't afford it. They are not spoilt in any way and consider themselves lucky to even receive what other children may consider to be a 'crap present'. They've had a really awful 12 months and to be told they need to 'learn a lesson' is really unfair.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 25/05/2014 19:08

It would be nice if your Dad did pay, but he shouldn't feel he has to. You make it sound like he's the father who isn't contributing towards his children.

Cocolepew · 25/05/2014 19:09

I would be mortified if my mum did an extra job just to take my DDs on holiday, it's not a neccessity at all.

Original poster
Writerwannabe83 · 25/05/2014 19:09

I know he doesn't have to - I'm just going to ask because it would something nice for the children. If he says no then fair enough.

OP posts:
vincentaroony · 25/05/2014 19:10

I think it's ok to ask to borrow the money, and pay it back in instalments. I also think it sounds like your sister needs a holiday!

If she's really short of money though, I'm not sure going away for 7 days is the best use of £500 - that could go a long way with day trips, activities etc over a few months.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/05/2014 19:11

Well they have already been on their annual holiday OP.
I agree that children shouldnt need to be taken on holiday to stop them being bored. What do they do when they are on holidays from school and just stay at home with their mum?

redexpat · 25/05/2014 19:12

YANBU to ask. It's a one off, in difficult circumstances.

YWBU if you expected it, which you clearly don't. Just ask, the worse that can happen is that he'll say no.

ikeaismylocal · 25/05/2014 19:12

I think a 6 and 8 year old should be able to behave themselves for a week with their Grandma regardless of what has happened in the last year.

Chippednailvarnish · 25/05/2014 19:13

Their father is pretty much next to useless

But your willing to enable his behaviour by asking your Dad to pay...

CoffeeTea103 · 25/05/2014 19:13

They've been on holiday so what's the need for another one? Really very unnecessary. Children do not need holidays. There is so many days out, activities that can be done while staying at home.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 25/05/2014 19:21

If you look on local 'whats on' type websites, leisure centres, arts centres, libraries, museums you will find loads of stuff on for free to fill the days for the dcs. I did this at easter and there were days we had the choice of 3 full day free events to go to. Seriously, if you look hard enough you could plan the whole week and spend very little.

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/05/2014 19:22

Didn't you recently state your sister made poor choices, had children she couldn't afford and was always being bailed out by your dad?

Why on earth would you ask him for money for a second holiday, doesn't he already do enough? Surely your sister should just be very grateful you and your mum can help with the weeks childcare and would insist the children didn't need to go away.

Adults are supposed to stand on their own two feet not run off to mummy and daddy every time they want something.

flippinada · 25/05/2014 19:28

Only on MN would someone receive the third degree and nit-picking criticism for trying to do somebody else a favour.

And as for not letting someone doing a second job - perhaps her mum, who is an adult, is happy to do this for her daughter because she sees her struggling and would like to help out?

As for inferring the children are spoilt and need teaching a lesson after what they've been through, that's just plain nasty.

addictedtosugar · 25/05/2014 19:29

Would you Dad taking you, and all 3 grand children on holiday be an option?
Rather than asking him to let his ex spend time with the grandkids on a hol he's financed?

slithytove · 25/05/2014 19:31

I don't see the harm in saying to him that you are intending to give the kids a holiday because of all the reasons you have told us. To then go on to say that DSis has childcare difficulties that specific week and it would make sense to do it then.

Then ask if he would be able to contribute as you are all short of cash, but don't make him feel like it won't happen without his input, even if that's the case.

harriet247 · 25/05/2014 19:34

Ask! The worst he can say is no :)

mommy2ash · 25/05/2014 19:34

i think you are being unreasonable. to begin with your sister is an adult so should be able to finance her children herself. her kids already have a holiday via your mum. i think its crazy she takes on a second job to fund this.

you have criticized your dad for not sharing his cash but i don't think he should have to when he has adult children.

i don't understand why you need to take them on a holiday or why he should pay for it. if you were funding it yourself then fair enough but really i would just offer to mind them while your sister works. i don't think the excuse they will be bored or it will be too hard with baby cuts it. so what if they get bored they are eight and seven there are a million things they could do. i can only imagine it would be way more difficult on holiday with a small baby than it would to be at home with a small baby.

i suppose ask if you want but if he says no he is well within his rights to.

flippinada · 25/05/2014 19:35

I think the idea of having some money for trips out rather than a 'proper holiday' as such is a good one.

I see others have also suggested a holiday club - my DS goes to one during the summer holidays and really enjoys it so maybe look into that?

TheNewSchmoo · 25/05/2014 19:35

Asking for essentials, no. Asking for a second holiday, yes.

Ask away but you've no right to judge him harshly if he says no.

Catmint · 25/05/2014 19:38

Why not explain to your Dad what an awful year they've had and ask him if he wants to do anything to help? He might ask you for ideas, or come up with really good ones of his own.

Btw, I don't agree that you are enabling your DS ex by doing this. If he is shit, he is shit and isn't likely to change, whatever you do. And you are doing a lovely thing.

magpiegin · 25/05/2014 19:38

What I still don't get is why are you asking for money from your dad? Although it's great your supporting your sister surely if she needs money for her children she should be asking (or sorting something out) and not you?

I could never imagine asking a parent for money for a holiday. Clothes, food, fuel maybe but not a holiday.