To ask my dad for this money?

[Writerwannabe83]

First off I will just say that the money is for the benefit of his grandchildren (my sister's children) and it is £500.

Background: my parents have been divorced for 25 years, all very amicable, they are friends, do favours for each other, dad has Christmas dinner at my mom's etc. My mom isn't particularly well off financially (20k salary) whereas my dad has quite a indulgent lifestyle (55k salary).

My sister has two children (aged 8 and 6) and every year my mom saves up to take them on a weeks holiday in the UK somewhere. She typically undertakes a 2nd job (usually delivering phone books) to help pay for it and give the children some spending money. My sister is in a bad financial situation and the only chance her children get to have a holiday is when our mom takes them.

My dad, despite earning almost 3x my moms salary has never offered to take the children away or help towards the cost of the holidays my mom takes them on. He himself takes a minimum of 4 holidays abroad every year.

The children have had a really shit year as things have been horrendous at home and after 10 years of being together my sister left their emotionally and financially abusive father. The kids have adapted amazingly, they are brilliant children.

Due to my sister's childminder taking their own personal holiday it means my sister has got to take a week unpaid leave from work during the summer to look after the children. She is upset and worried about doing so as missing a weeks wage will be very difficult for her. I suggested to my mom that maybe she and I could take the children away for a week as a nice treat for them as a reward for dealing so well with their parents's split - they both had to move area and change schools. However, my mom has already taken them away earlier this year and she said she just can't afford to do it again as much as she'd like to.

I have decided to ask my dad if he will pay for it. He knows I'm visiting him tomorrow and that I'm after money (we were having jokey texts about it) in order to benefit his grandchildren but he doesn't know the details.

It's hard seeing my mom, the grandparent with easily the least amount of money (paternal grandparents included) putting herself through financial hardship each year in order to do something for her grandchildren when nobody else will. I kind of thing that maybe it's my dad's turn to help out when financially it is nothing to him.

He's not known for being very generous with his money at all.

I'm hoping that because it's for the sake of his grandchildren he might be different. I'm not convinced though.

AIBU to even ask?

River - because if it is unpaid, they can get other staff into cover her hours as it will still be in the budget.

I think yabu. The kids have had a holiday, just because your dad has a high salary doesn't mean he should be pressured into forking out for a 2nd holiday for his gc.

Is it a holiday cottage or camp? I thought you said the camp type places were too expensive and then you said it was a cottage, then you said a holiday camp again.

Yabu

It is not as if your dad is wealthy. He earns a decent salary but you don't know what his expenses are.

I think 500£ is too much to ask for, sorry.

I would suggest telling him the situation and asking him if he can spare some money as a gift to use to treat the children during their holidays.

You don't need to go away, plan a few day trips with the money you can spare.

I was using the term 'holiday camp' just to make my point that spending my week taking the children to kiddy theme parks and having to tolerate magician shows and petting zoos is not my dream holiday as mummy seems to think it is.

My dad isn't aware of my sister's childcare issues. He's been on holiday the last two weeks and my sister only found out about her exe's operation date just before the weekend.

And actually my sister would definitely like us to take the children away. My mom has been taking the children away for the last 4 years and every year she has invited my sister but she has declined. She deserves and needs a break from them. She obviously loves her children but there's nothing wrong with just needing some 'me time' - especially now their father is pretty much of the scene and the children are practically solely her responsibility. She deserves some time to herself. She has the whole week after we come back to spend with the children.

In terms of the payment I will be paying more than my mom's contribution but yes, my dad will be contributing more than me. As others have said, sometimes grandparents just want to do something nice for their grandchildren and he may be happy to help out or he may not. If not,then that's his choice and that's fine.

I really don't get mumsnet sometimes. YANBU asking him. Go for it. I think you're doing a nice thing, things that close families would do for each other. I'd happily help out my family in these circumstances. I think most people in real life would.

You can do all that and more without going on holiday. You and your mums small contribution may even cover those days out. No need for a holiday cottage if it's all day trips out anyway.

Your first post said the money was for the benefit of the children but realistically you mean for yours, your child and mums given your small contribution to the holiday. At least be honest about it.

If it was truly to benefit the children, surely it would be better for your sister to have the week off and you help cover her wages. That way she gets an extra week off work with her children. However, that means no week away for you which I suspect is not an option.

mummy In all honesty my sister probably doesn't want an extra week off with the children and would prefer us to give her dome respite. She's probably already exhausted at the thought of having them for one week, let alone two.

Anyway - you have clearly made up your mind as to what kind of people me and my mom are and that's fine. You've probably got some strong opinions on what kind of person my sister is too.

Nothing I say will make any difference to you changing your perceptions so let's just leave it at that.

OP I have yet to see 'happy' mummy say anything that I personally agree with, in terms of empathising with difficult circumstances,to anyone on any thread, so I'd ignore.

I think yanu to ask, if your DF says no, accept it with goid grace for the sake of future harmony.

Yes I would ask him, sorry not read thread but men are not great sometimes at being fair.

OP, go for it, I would in your shoes.
Worse that can happen is that your dad disagrees. If so, time for plan B.

Writer - do either you, your mum, or your dad have spare rooms?

The thing is, I just don't see the need for you to pay for rented accommodation. Can you not all stay at one persons house and use your budget for food and outings?

That way sister gets her break, money required is less, and the pressure is spread across several adults instead of just one. Failing that, could one child stay with you and and one with mum, and you meet up for outings? You could swap half way through the week, which might be fun for the kids as I know when I was wee it was a huge treat to stay at aunties/nanas on my own.

Surely the money if given should be for your sister to decide how to spend. That would then give her the chance to bring them away on a holiday herself or at the least pay a bill and a few days out on her week off. Under your current plan Gran and Auntie are the cool fun ones who bring them on hols and poor mum is boring. Also agree why isn't this the ex's problem and why isn't he sorting out child are.

If the above appeals you could let us know where in the uk you are based and we could find out what free events are on during that week. You never know, the odd kind mumsnetter might even have vouchers for activities etc which otherwise wouldn't be used.

I know I'm always getting discounts from cereal packets and online etc which I absolutely never get to use. Lots of merlin ones. There is also club card vouchers if either you mum dad or sis shop at tesco.

Yes, I do agree that if any money is gifted, sister should be the one to decide the use of it.

I also think that (sorry if it's been done) the ex should be asked for a contribution to childcare costs, even if that is just covering their food for a week while you and mum look after them.

Not quite the same situation, but I was at my wit's end recently trying to work out how to cover a childcare issue this summer. My mum stepped in and offered to help out. I would never expect it, but it is going to make so much difference.

Sounds like you are trying to do something similar. Your dad might be a bit chuffed when he realises he can make a big difference quite easily. Good luck.

I reassured him that I don't see him as some kind of cash cow and his reply text message said, "Moo"

OP how come you felt the need to reassure him that you don't see him as a cash cow? Because normally people don't say 'I don't see you as a cash cow' when they ask family for help, unless in fact they are aware that it looks very much that way. But he seems to find it quite amusing that he is the cash cow so I guess it's all fine. He obviously doesn't mind being a cash cow.

He loves his grandchildren and knows he is the one with the money that can be spared if any is needed. My dad's a lovely man and for all I know if he had known about my sister's childcare issue he may have thought about this himself anyway?? But anyway, all I can do is ask.

However, after sleeping on it and reading back through the thread this morning I've decided not to ask for a set amount of money. I will just tell him the issue, the anticipated cost and say that if he'd like to help us pay for it then it would be really helpful - and then just see what he offers. Depending on what he offers (if he can help) me and my mom can just sit down and look at if/how we can pay for the rest.

OP, it's your dad right? Why are you asking strangers who don't know him if something is acceptable?

Just ask him if you want to. He understands the situation. You know how much money you think makes sense, ask him for that amount.

You don't need to ask sister how to spend the money as it is a gift to your nephews from you, your mum and dad to help in what has been an incredibly shite year for them That's how gifts work, the receiver doesn't tell you in what form they should come in.

The problems with this thread is everyone is crawling over themselves to not dare look "entitled" because in MN world being "entitled" is akin to being a kicker newborn kittens.

OP how come you felt the need to reassure him that you don't see him as a cash cow? Because normally people don't say 'I don't see you as a cash cow' when they ask family for help,

Unless they had already been jokingly going back and forth about money via text? God, people read their own shit in to things. I'm sure if it was a very serious text the dad would respond with "moo" right?

Thank you fucking - He very recently came into a large inheritance so he probably thinks I'm after a huge, huge amount to take the children to Disney World or something. My sister will be over the moon if we say we are taint them away, like I said, she hates it that they don't have holidays and she herself would welcome the break.

Those who said the ex should be helping out you are completely right but it's never going to happen. When my sister left him she and the children came to live with me for 5 weeks, it was a difficult time for me and DH for practical and financial reasons and not once did the ex offer to help. Instead he moved his OW in about a week after my sister left.

I am not sure I get this! writer you have repeatedly posted since your baby was born about not coping and it not sleeping so how the hell are you going to cope with your sisters kids and your baby??

I agree that of your dad is willing to helpful financially then he should be helping your sister to spend time with her kids not funding a holiday for you

writer the ex didn't offer to help? No shit. Was he asked to help? I presume your sister will be receiving child support from him, and if not, why the hell not? It's his week, his operation, his problem. If you're happy to ask your father, why not ask the ex, whose responsibility it is?

Just because your father earns more, it simply doesn't follow that therefore he 'should' contribute. You sound slightly resentful that he hasn't offered. If you ask, and he says yes, fair enough, but I do think it sounds as if you expect a yes because he can 'afford' it (for all you know he has plans that mean he can't spare the cash).

Well I'm hoping hereisthe light that when we go the baby will be sleeping better. And thanks for letting AIBU know that I've been struggling to cope with my new baby, that's really thoughtful of you. It's little bit nasty actually

Resentful he hasn't offered?? How does that make sense seeing as he doesn't even know about the issue?? How can I have expected him to offer when he doesn't know that my sister needs help that week? Even I know he's not a mind reader.

Her ex if work on the sick - has been for months so is not in a position to help financially. I wouldn't ask him anyway, he's a total bastard and wouldn't give a toss. His children haven't been a priority of his for years.