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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why she won't sign the paperwork?

143 replies

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:07

I'm in a relationship with a man who is still (technically) married - he and his wife separated nearly a year ago, we've been together for several months (we didn't meet til more than 6 months after his separation so I was never the OW or anything).

It was his ExW initially who wanted to separate and asked him to move out, as she was unhappy, felt they had grown apart etc. They tried Relate first, moved house, changed lifestyle etc but it didn't help.

A few months later (before he met me) he put the wheels in motion for the divorce, and sent her the various docs she needs to sign/discuss with her solicitor (sorry, I don't know the legal ins and outs) and basically she hasnt done anything with them. Every time he asks her there seems to be a different excuse. He can't understand why - she doesn't know about me specifically (neither of us feel comfortable being 'open' about our relationship until the divorce is underway and he at least has his decree nisi) so I don't think it's anything to do with that. She doesn't show any sign of wanting to get back with him either so I really don't get it, especially as she was the one who instigated the split in the first place.

OP posts:

trashcanjunkie · 24/05/2014 12:10

Oh god, we had this with dps ex regarding their mortgage. (not married) she dragged her feet in every possible way, with excuses. In the end she admitted she did have feelings for him still, and couldn't believe what an idiot she'd been. This was four years later! It's probable she has some complicated feelings. Bets wishes with that one.

Forgettable · 24/05/2014 12:13

Gosh that is a bit awks

Encourage him to pass to the solicitor to carry on, no need for him to feel he has to keep on at her for stuff

Goodadvice1980 · 24/05/2014 12:16

OP, has he specifically confronted/asked her about the paperwork when she makes these excuses?

jacks365 · 24/05/2014 12:18

If they have been separated for less than a year then you can't get a no fault divorce. If he applied then he has to be accusing her of something ie unreasonable behaviour, signing the paperwork means admitting it and I wouldn't want to do that so I'm afraid I can see why she won't sign.

4littleones · 24/05/2014 12:18

We have a similar situation with me and my ex. We are now 4 years down the line though, expecting our second child and my ex STILL won't sign the paperwork!
It's a pain in the arse, it really is

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:19

I think he's been hoping to do it without a solicitor as everything has been pretty much agreed. apart from the fact she won't sign anything.

I do feel really awkward about it, makes me feel a bit like I'm the OW (certainly in other people's eyes, because he is still married) when I know I'm not.

OP posts:

Jinsei · 24/05/2014 12:20

Are you sure he is really separated?

4littleones · 24/05/2014 12:21

That's a good point jacks - what grounds has he started the divorce on?

holidaysarenice · 24/05/2014 12:21

Harshly because if h does married to her she gets everything.

Thomyorke · 24/05/2014 12:22

Have you seen the paperwork, my exH girlfriend confronted me about dragging out the divorce when he had not even started proceedings. She believed him and started screaming so I started the proceedings just to get her off my back. She apologised six months later once they had split.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:23

He has asked her - but there's always a different reason. She says either she hasn't got round to it, has been busy, can't get time off work to see a solicitor (she works FT, so I understand finding the time to deal with it may not be easy), can't find the paperwork, has had other expenses so can't afford the legal fees that month, and so on. I completely accept a lot of that is probably true, but I can't help thinking if she really wanted to do it, she would have at some point over the last few months.

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 24/05/2014 12:25

Possibly because she can't be bothered/it doesn't matter one way or another to her? Your partner will get a no-fault divorce in a fairly short period anyway whether she co-operates or not?

I assume there is no mortgage/children/financial provision to sort out. If there isn't he and his solicitor can nag her all they want. You can't force someone to stay married-hence the no fault rule kicking in but equally you can't force someone to agree to a divorce. Her lack of response will eventually get him what he wants but she's entitled to ignore all of it.

Caitlin17 · 24/05/2014 12:27

boompow she may not care one way or another so why would she bother taking time off work and running up legal bills to achieve something which will happen eventually anyway?

Standinginline · 24/05/2014 12:28

We had the same with partners ex ,kept delaying it. Upon looking at one of her forums she was hoping that he would eventually beg to come back and also she just wanted to annoy me. This is the same woman who kicked him out to move another man in a week later and instigated the divorce when she fell pregnant with another mans child.

That's women for you ;)

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:29

I am sure he is separated.

I've not seen the paperwork, it's been with her since before we met. I could probably ask him to see a copy.

There is a house and children, however, she is keeping the house as it is in her name, and access/residence is all agreed.

OP posts:

ICanSeeTheSun · 24/05/2014 12:32

Perhaps it because she doesn't want a label as a divorced women.

I'm 28 as would hate to be divorced before 30 as it would see it as a failure.

Viviennemary · 24/05/2014 12:33

She won't sign because she has now changed her mind and wants to try again. Your DP should remain firm. Just make sure he isn't stringing you along. Not saying he is but be aware that it does happen.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:33

Quite possibly the answer is that it isn't that important to her, she isn't with anyone else so as things stand I guess may be happy just to let it happen in due course.

Being completely selfish, the last thing I want is to have to be all cloak and dagger about our relationship for another year or so.

OP posts:

jacks365 · 24/05/2014 12:33

Why won't you go public about your relationship? People really don't expect others to stay single until divorced, it can take years.

Andrewofgg · 24/05/2014 12:35

Getting a divorce in this country means signing three documents: a petition, an affidavit, and an application for a decree absolute. All shuffled through the court system.

A senior judge suggested recently that it should be reduced to two: a statement that you want a divorce, and another some weeks later saying that you have not changed your mind; both filed with the registrar of births, marriages and deaths, who would become the registrar of births, marriages, divorces, and deaths, and the process would become administrative in law as it already is in fact. Of course the courts would still deal with disputes about money and children.

This thread shows how right he is. You can’t make people stay married and the scope for time-wasting and putting off the inevitable should be cut right back.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:40

when we first got together we both said we'd wait til after his divorce was through (or at least with the courts) to go public, we're both a bit old-fashioned like that I guess. Naively, we thought that would be by now really, whereas (taking the point that's been made) it could be another year or so...

OP posts:

ICanSeeTheSun · 24/05/2014 12:44

Then end the relationship until the divorce comes through.

There is no way I would have a secret relationship, too much lies and deceit.

What do you say to people when they ask what you up to on the weekend.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:49

It's not secret in that sense - all my friends know. Some of his friends (the ones that aren't also friends with his ExW) know. His family know, but have said they would feel awkward meeting me whilst he is still technically married, which I understand. Obviously his ExW doesn't know, nor do either of our DC, and we are not public on social media (ie Facebook etc).

OP posts:

Doooooowop · 24/05/2014 12:51

Is there property involved?

I was the woman who dragged my heels when seperating from my ex, it wasn't due to any feelings but more indecision about property. Tbh I shouldn't have signed the papers as he is now sitting on a huge amount of equity.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 24/05/2014 12:57

What were the grounds for establishing breakdown of the marriage?

They couldn't get a divorce on the basis of separation until they've been separated for two years, so either he's been remarkably dense not to have noticed that or he's alleged unreasonable behaviour (or adultery) on her part in the petition.

So part of the issue on her part might be that she'd prefer to divorce after two years on the basis of two years' separation rather than say "yup, that was me, I did all that unreasonable stuff".

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