to not understand why she won't sign the paperwork?

[boombowpow]

I'm in a relationship with a man who is still (technically) married - he and his wife separated nearly a year ago, we've been together for several months (we didn't meet til more than 6 months after his separation so I was never the OW or anything).

It was his ExW initially who wanted to separate and asked him to move out, as she was unhappy, felt they had grown apart etc. They tried Relate first, moved house, changed lifestyle etc but it didn't help.

A few months later (before he met me) he put the wheels in motion for the divorce, and sent her the various docs she needs to sign/discuss with her solicitor (sorry, I don't know the legal ins and outs) and basically she hasnt done anything with them. Every time he asks her there seems to be a different excuse. He can't understand why - she doesn't know about me specifically (neither of us feel comfortable being 'open' about our relationship until the divorce is underway and he at least has his decree nisi) so I don't think it's anything to do with that. She doesn't show any sign of wanting to get back with him either so I really don't get it, especially as she was the one who instigated the split in the first place.

thing is. pretty much everybody on this thread has told you It's not right that he isn't telling his wife about you and that there is more to it if he refuses to just tell her. yet you still think that all of us are wrong?

seriously. If he wants to move on properly and is happy for his wife to move on then he will tell her. otherwise, he is a lier and a cheat.

at the end of the day, they are still married and he is seeing somebody behind her back.

Ok. Whatever you say. You live in your dream land, I hope you're very happy.

He hasn't refused to tell her. That would imply I've asked him to, or insisted that he does. Neither is the case. He is currently considering it, given what we now know about the divorce, and how long it might take, and when I see him next in a few days I will discuss it further with him.

But what is there for you & him to discuss, really?

If he wants a divorce urgently he just needs to tell his wife, & if he's an honest person he should explain that it's because he's met someone & it matters to him/you/his family/the cat that he be divorced rather than just separated.

Either he wants to sort it out & is off to do so, or he doesn't & isn't - you just need to decide what your response is going to be if he balks at having an honest conversation with his wife.

Sorry, I don't understand the question of how did we fit all what in?

How, between you meeting him in January or so and now, do you manage to fit in:

Meeting, getting to know each other.

Moving in with one another.

Knowing each other well enough and having been with each other long enough to talk in detail about the divorce and how things will pan out for both of you in not just a provisional, "let's see how things might develop", but highly certain manner.

Mid April perhaps ?

Then....

Get fed up with divorce proceedings situation in the intervening 6 or so weeks between very fast getting to know each other phase (say 3 months) and now

Basically it's hard to see how you can have been "waiting" any time at all.
Impatience doesn't really cover it.

I can't see many wives reacting well at your magical 6 month point to "hey I met someone else, been with them 6 months, it's time for the new love of my life to meet the kids".

She'll have been dealing with the kids reactions to daddy not being around, and to her it'll seem instant - her first response will be "I'm not letting someone I've only JUST heard about, meet MY precious darlings". Whether or not she says it out loud is another matter.

You need 6 months AFTER you tell her about your relationship before you think about meeting HER kids if you want to keep relations harmonious long term, as she'll instinctively need evidence that your relationship isn't just a flash in the pan. That's not spitefulness or anything horrid, just the natural desire all decent mothers have to protect their children from emotional harm.

He's only been separated nearly a year, and only with you a few months. take your foot off the gas pedal and ease back a bit. It'll give you a chance to sit back and observe. You cannot 100% say that you'll end up with this man long term yet, as you have NO idea yet how he parents, or even if you like his kids.

As someone who has been in the step mum role I honestly feel that it's only possible to make a success of a traditionally awkward role if you feel genuine affection for the children concerned -independently of any feelings you may have about your partner. You have to love them for themselves. With the best will in the world sometimes personalities just don't click and it's no one's fault. Feeling duty towards someone else's child isn't enough.

So even if you maintain your current punishing schedule, you'll need another couple of months for his wife to find out about your existence, 6 months for her to help the kids adjust to the idea of you, 6 months for you and the children to decide whether you find each other remotely likable. (It takes longer to work out if you are compatible btw!)

You can't possibly say with any certainty whether this is a relationship you would even want to be serious and committed to for at least another 18 months if you are sensible. In 18 months time your man's divorce status may or not be clear, but your feelings bout whether the relationship is worth taking to the next level will be a bit clearer.

A man doesn't have to be tom catting around to be an unsuitable partner. Your thread has highlighted for me, why I always refused to date separated men - too complex.

We haven't moved in together yet

We were talking about how things would pan out within weeks rather than months, our plan was always that the divorce would be nearly through by now, so we could look to introduce the DC shortly, with a view to us then getting a home together a few months thereafter.

Clearly that will now take a bit longer.

So now it's not panning out how you expected, what do you intend to do?

All I will say now is that it's very convenient him blaming his wife for holding things up, because you have no access to her so you can't possibly know if it's true.

I implore you, if you ever start to doubt him, take it out of his hands and drop her a line. Think about the bigger picture and the damage that lies can do. The truth is always the best option.

I will either have to wait it out. Or compromise my principles on us living together while he is still married. However, I am not sure what his family's view of that will be, this is one of the things I need to talk to him about.

Christ, OP, you are getting a drubbing. I think everything you've said is reasonable and understandable.

I understand the reluctance to tell his wife. And tbh, I think, 'can we please divorce nice and quickly so I can move on with boom', which however he puts it, is what it will boil down to, will not be music to her ears.

I would exhaust all other avenues first. I don't know what position he is in financially, but perhaps your DP could offer to pay for the lot, explaining that he really does just want to conclude the process.

As for her leaving him - I think that means she's more likely to be the angry party. I mean, she left him because she was so angry and frustrated, presumably. The divorce grounds certainly suggest it. My mum left my dad but was a right mardy cow about it for about 5 years afterward. At least. Put yourself in her shoes and chill out for a bit. Her marriage has ended less than a year ago. That's not long at all. And as pp have said, slowing down a tad with DP is probably no bad thing.

Afterthought: I do think YABU to care so much what his family thinks. Is that coming from him? you're in a relationship and he is still married. I don't think that matters one jot, because his marriage is over, and it's a technicality. But so too is living together. You've already done the dirty, so to speak, in terms of all this moral stuff about marriage.

I think it's worth him doing what a PP suggested and getting the financial and contact stuff formally drawn up and finalised.

I do think you are rushing into things here.

You are talking about marriage when you haven't even met his children yet and you know his family are already prejudiced against you. Trying to live as a blended family with all this going on could be a nightmare and you have only known him for 5 months.

Keep dating him secretly if that's what you want to do but don't expect anything to change for a long time yet. It can take a while to sort out all the finances during the divorce and set up formal access. You need to really understand what you are getting into before you commit to a lifetime of this.

Personally, I would say that I hadn't realised how complicated it was all going to be and now, if we were going to continue to see each other, I want it all out in the open.

Tell the wife, tell the friends, tell all the family members that we are dating. Then, after another month or so, arrange to meet each other's children so that you can do things together and you can see how he is with them.

If he refuses to tell his wife and their joint friends I would be suspicious that he was holding out the option of going back to her.

There was never a possibility of the divorce being nearly through by now. He was either lying to you or he never bothered to google how to get a divorce.

Why are you in such a rush? You have been together a matter of weeks, and you are talking about marriage and moving in together? It's classic rebound.

We were talking about how things would pan out within weeks

Why ?

It just sounds implausibly fast.

OP I agree with others that you need to cool it.

You haven't even been together 5 months yet, your DP has been seperated from his W for less than a year.

He is not a single man who has the luxury of moving quickly when it comes to relationships. His first priority should be the wellbeing of his DCs, making sure that they are able to adjust to the seismic changes within their family. He needs to try to maintain a cordial relationship with his W in order that they are able to co-parent successfully. Both of these things should take precedence over his desire to progress things in a new relationship.

If you in this for the long haul you will have to accept that he will never be without baggage, and you and he won't be able to make decisons in isolation from his responsibilities to his children. This is just the first taste of all that.

OP, why not give yourself more time before moving in with him? For your own sake, as it is still early days. I know when people are young they think differently, I know that I did too, but having seen a few things over the past few decades, I'd just continue to see him and enjoy each others company. I think his reasons for not telling some people, and his children are legit, but if he wants a faster divorce he should tell his soon to be ex that he has found someone. If your feelings for each other are strong, they will survive an extended courtship until he is free to marry you.

What I don't understand in it all is the not telling the wife bit. think how she will feel when she finds out its actually been going on all this time behind her back? why can't you just tell her? I feel really sorry for her.
When myself and my husband separated, it was a sad time but we all knew it was for the best. when I found out, about 6 months later, that he had a new girlfriend (he had the decency of telling me pretty quickly btw). It was upsetting and I cried once when he first told me but after that I felt a huge sense of closure. It was not long after that, that I then met my current partner and I honestly don't think I would of had the guts to do that had he not already moved on.

please tell her. have some compassion.

not "I am snagging somebody else so need you to hurry up with the divorce" like the pp said. just get him to let her know that he has moved on with somebody else. no mention of the divorce in that same conversation, as it's not appropriate.

and I agree it's very unlikely he thought his divorce would be over by now. unless he walks round with his eyes closed and hadn't read a single thing about divorce works.