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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not understand why she won't sign the paperwork?

143 replies

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:07

I'm in a relationship with a man who is still (technically) married - he and his wife separated nearly a year ago, we've been together for several months (we didn't meet til more than 6 months after his separation so I was never the OW or anything).

It was his ExW initially who wanted to separate and asked him to move out, as she was unhappy, felt they had grown apart etc. They tried Relate first, moved house, changed lifestyle etc but it didn't help.

A few months later (before he met me) he put the wheels in motion for the divorce, and sent her the various docs she needs to sign/discuss with her solicitor (sorry, I don't know the legal ins and outs) and basically she hasnt done anything with them. Every time he asks her there seems to be a different excuse. He can't understand why - she doesn't know about me specifically (neither of us feel comfortable being 'open' about our relationship until the divorce is underway and he at least has his decree nisi) so I don't think it's anything to do with that. She doesn't show any sign of wanting to get back with him either so I really don't get it, especially as she was the one who instigated the split in the first place.

OP posts:
KellyHopter · 28/05/2014 11:13

You can't put your foot down about their divorce, you've only been with him a few months!

Sort out your actual relationship, the divorce is actually not that important right now.

Figure out why there's such a weird balance between the two of you. Things like the fact that you are seemingly close enough to have access to all his communications between him and ex, him and his family (not normal IMO)yet you can't be seen to be in a relationship.

It's all very weird.

thereisnoeleventeen · 28/05/2014 12:40

My ex and I took ages to divorce, my DP must have been incredibly patient at the time. I met DP when I had been separated for a few months.

Ex-H and I waited until we had been separated a year before going ahead with the divorce as both of us felt really guilty about listing the other as having been at fault. After a bit of time everything was easier to talk about and we'd both moved on, things had settled down financially so the court fees were easy to find.

Friends of DP's warned him that I might go back to my ex-h. We both knew that I wouldn't, the divorce came through eventually and my parents relaxed (they felt very guilty towards my ex-h and found it hard just to suddenly except a new man in my life).

She might feel guilty about listing him as being at fault. Do they have DC's? She might just be really really busy adjusting to looking after DC's on her own and just not see the urgency...

kinkytoes · 28/05/2014 13:01

He's holding all the cards here. You might be seeing texts on his phone but do you know for definite that's her number? What are the texts about? Does he see his children? Are there times when he's 'off limits' to you?

If you're the one insisting on the secrecy maybe suggest you've had enough of it and want to go public after all. See what his reaction is.

Feminine · 28/05/2014 13:05

Out of interest boom how old are you? :)

Original poster
boombowpow · 28/05/2014 18:34

I don't think of it as a weird balance, we can be seen to be in a relationship to my friends/his non-joint ones (and are), it's just his family and mutual friends we cant be too open with, and of course that means we cant be open on social media either.

I'm sure it's her number. Texts are almost always about childcare arrangements, school events, etc. Yes they have school age DC. There are no times when he's 'off-limits' - even when he has the children I can always contact him should I need to. I really do trust him, he's never given me any reason not to.

OP posts:
4littleones · 28/05/2014 21:54

I think you are being very Nieve. There is no good reason for him not to tell his wife about you if he is being honest. You say it's in case she stalls the divorce but surely she is already doing that so it's really not a valid reason.

I would insist on it being open or I would end it. But you seem to be ignoring all opinions and advice on here because you would rather live in a bubble where it's all good and everybody is happy.

If he is an honest person he wouldn't be lying to everybody about having a girlfriend!

Original poster
boombowpow · 29/05/2014 06:54

I'm not ignoring all advice! It was suggested I should ask to see the paperwork so I understood exactly what was going on, and I did exactly that.

He's not lying to anyone. Like I've said, his own friends know about me, as do his family (they don't want to meet me til he's divorced, and we respect that, that's their choice and there is a religious element to it I think). His mutual friends with his ExW don't know, because that would put them in an unfair position. I really don't think it's that unusual.

And of course if she'd done what she said she would several months ago and got on with the divorce rather than dragging it out we wouldn't be in this situation.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 29/05/2014 07:19

Because she probably couldn't care less and can't be arsed to do the admin.

I know this would be me Blush

NickiFury · 29/05/2014 07:42

In addition I know someone who has been separated for 5 years but still not divorced. He doesn't live in the family home and is relatively friendly with his ex wife. He says he doesn't want to be married but he doesn't want to divorce her either, says it's too final and she's the mother of his children. Not everyone is desperate to run off and create new formal couples and families.

No two stories are the same, I am always Hmm when people say he must STILL be with her, love her etc, that's so ridiculously simplistic. There are so many reasons why people might not progress a divorce.

thereisnoeleventeen · 29/05/2014 07:48

How old are their DC's OP? Has she been a LP for long? She might feel as though her whole world has been trued upside down and is struggling to find the time to do the paper work.

It's not just a case of simply signing on the dotted line, she'll need to check what she is signing. If they have DC's together then your DP/BF is going to need to keep on good terms as they are still going to be in each others lives for a few years yet.

I would just ease off the pressure, this is between the two of them...I don't see how there is lot you can do other than wait your time with him or move on to someone who is not in such an unfinished situation.

DP waited his time with me an a decade later it all feels like unimportant old history.

OwlCapone · 29/05/2014 07:56

Tell his wife about you and then she can divorce him on the grounds of adultery. It might well speed things along.

lunar1 · 29/05/2014 08:02

Why do you see all their correspondence? Do you want him to show your messages to his next partner if he has one?

The reason you don't understand why she has not yet filed for divorce is because you don't know her. You know 50% of a story and don't know really how accurate it is, as even if he is honest it will still have his bias.

I would focus on the things you can control, his wife is not one of them and she doesn't owe you anything.

MaryWestmacott · 29/05/2014 08:03

Hmm, I think it's time to be open with te exw, she might not see the urgency, telling her he's with someone else might make her see the point in getting it sorted a bit quicker. It also would help if she's drifting along thinking they might get back together in the future. It could be if she was the one who instigated the separation, so far she's felt everything was her choice, so she could chose to get divorced or not, in the same way she took the decision for her h to move out. Telling her about you might shock her into realising it's definitely over and it's not something she gets to have a choice over anymore.

That could go one of two ways, she might then be spurred into action to get rid of her exH properly, or she might when faced with the fact it's no longer her choice or an option, decide to fight for her h to come back.

Tell her, be open with mutual friends, their relation has been over for a long time. That her ex is dating anyone shouldn't be a shock, nor should you be the dirty secret.

NickiFury · 29/05/2014 08:07

"It's not something she gets to have a choice over anymore"

Well it is because she's doing that right now isn't she? Choosing NOT to progress the divorce.

Thumbwitch · 29/05/2014 08:19

I would say that the chances are she's not completely let go of her marriage yet.
Or that she completely loathes paperwork and just CBA to do it.

What I would suggest, although it would cost money, is for your DH to get a solicitor to finalise the financial and childcare agreements and then he should take them round and get her to sign off on them while he's there. They might need an independent witness to countersign, I'm not sure.

THen, once those have been finalised properly, he should tell her he's met someone else - he can, if he wants, be vague about when but it's probably better for him to be completely open about it - and that he wants the divorce sorted please.

Just as a quick aside - do you have any issues yourself with his "unreasonable behaviour"?

TobyLerone · 29/05/2014 08:21

You are very weirdly overinvolved in this considering you've only been with him for a few months Confused

MaryWestmacott · 29/05/2014 10:34

NickiFury - well, technically yes for a short while, but she doesn't get to decide long term if she's married to him or not, by telling her he's moved on and is dating someone else, it's clear that the best she can do is stall the divorce, if she has one or not is no longer just her choice, which it sounds it was at the start.

She wouldn't be the first person I know of who was the one who at the start was the one to decided to end the marriage, who then started to panic when their spouce started taking over getting the divorce sorted, because up to that point it had been all about what they wanted, then suddenly once their spouce decided to push through a divorce, what they wanted stop mattering.

It could be the W thinks the situation as it is now is the status it can be for a long time and why change, telling her that the situation has already changed for her STBXH by him starting a relationship with someone else might be enough to push her into realising things will change, if she wants them to or not. She can't control his behaviour, she can't have any say over it any more, at most she can delay for a few years, but not unilaterally take the decision if they get divorced or not.

Preciousbane · 29/05/2014 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthebeach · 29/05/2014 11:24

Sorry...but it's odd he's not telling her or their mutual friends. You're a secret which isn't good.

Go public...or go.

lunar1 · 29/05/2014 11:46

I think the suggestion that he turns up at her door demanding she signs there and then with his terms is terrible, and bullying. That would make many people, including me, dig their heels in and go as slow as possible.

Thumbwitch · 29/05/2014 11:52

It's not bullying because they've already agreed the terms. All it is, is formalising them. Sure, if it was his terms and there was no agreement, yes I'd agree with you. But it's not. They've already agreed it.

calmet · 29/05/2014 11:58

I hate paperwork and procrastinate. If it was me, it would be sitting there waiting to be done, and it would take me months to actually do it.

calmet · 29/05/2014 12:00

And if he turned up and demanded that I sign, I would close the door on him. After all she doesn't know about you, so in her shoes I would just think "whats the rush?"

Fairenuff · 29/05/2014 12:05

his own friends know about me, as do his family (they don't want to meet me til he's divorced

How do you know that he has told his family about you though?

we respect that, that's their choice and there is a religious element to it I think

It would be a very strange religion that was ok with him having a girlfriend as long as they never had to meet her. It is more likely that, if they really to have objections, he hasn't actually told them about you.

His mutual friends with his ExW don't know, because that would put them in an unfair position.

It sounds more like he wants to keep your existence a secret from his wife. As people have said, divorce can drag on for years. Are you really prepared to be kept hidden away for that long? You won't be able to have Christmas together with the children, or a joint family holiday, or all the other special celebrations that families generally share.

I really don't think it's that unusual.

I think it's more than unusual, it sounds like he has a different agenda to you. Time to stop hiding and let everyone deal with the fact that he has separated from his wife and is getting on with his life.

I wouldn't worry about her not signing papers, that will come with time, I would worry about him keeping you a secret and leading a double life.

starfishmummy · 29/05/2014 12:06

I agree with the comment that she hasn't done anything about the divorce because she meant want to.

And I would imagine that he isnt chasing it up because he doesn't want to.

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