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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand why she won't sign the paperwork?

143 replies

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 12:07

I'm in a relationship with a man who is still (technically) married - he and his wife separated nearly a year ago, we've been together for several months (we didn't meet til more than 6 months after his separation so I was never the OW or anything).

It was his ExW initially who wanted to separate and asked him to move out, as she was unhappy, felt they had grown apart etc. They tried Relate first, moved house, changed lifestyle etc but it didn't help.

A few months later (before he met me) he put the wheels in motion for the divorce, and sent her the various docs she needs to sign/discuss with her solicitor (sorry, I don't know the legal ins and outs) and basically she hasnt done anything with them. Every time he asks her there seems to be a different excuse. He can't understand why - she doesn't know about me specifically (neither of us feel comfortable being 'open' about our relationship until the divorce is underway and he at least has his decree nisi) so I don't think it's anything to do with that. She doesn't show any sign of wanting to get back with him either so I really don't get it, especially as she was the one who instigated the split in the first place.

OP posts:

jacks365 · 24/05/2014 13:00

Thing is boom that without her signing any papers he will have to wait 5 years, it still needs her agreement after the two year point but the blame aspect is taken out. You need to accept it could be a long wait but that the marriage is over and acknowledge your own relationship by being open about it.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 13:07

Property isn't involved as such, as it's her house, he is not making any claim on it.

I've not seen the papers so I don't know exactly the basis for the divorce, I'd assumed it was just by mutual consent.

Had no idea it could take as long as 5 years :(

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TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 24/05/2014 13:19

"Just by mutual consent" takes a minimum of two years (and she'd have to sign the papers). To divorce in less than two years one of them has to say that the other behaved unreasonably or committed adultery.

So either his problem is that he's going for a "two years separation plus consent" divorce when they haven't had two years separation yet, or he's going for an "unreasonable behaviour" divorce and she won't sign the acknowledgment of service of his petition.

In the latter case he can either wait for her to do it or I think (am not a lawyer) that he could pay to have the petition served on her by a process server or enquiry agent and then get a sworn statement on the part of the person who served the petition as proof that she did receive the petition (instead of a signed acknowledgement of service). But that starts to get expensive, and it's not exactly conciliatory towards his ex either.

Forgettable · 24/05/2014 13:20

Well he is dragging his feet too if he has not engaged a solicitor

Sorry

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 13:26

I could be wrong about the mutual consent - that was what I assumed. But I am aware she felt the breakdown of the relationship was caused by his behaviour, so it's possible he could have accepted fault in what he's drafted (but without asking him about it I don't know so am purely speculating).

I didn't think he would need a solicitor if everything was agreed?

OP posts:

jacks365 · 24/05/2014 13:28

He doesn't need a solicitor but he can not file for divorce blaming his own behaviour.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 24/05/2014 13:32

But I am aware she felt the breakdown of the relationship was caused by his behaviour, so it's possible he could have accepted fault in what he's drafted

I don't think it works that way. He cannot divorce her because of his unreasonable behaviour or because of his adultery. If he is the one initiating the divorce then he has accused her of one of those and she has to sign to say that accusation is correct.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 24/05/2014 13:32

If they were going for divorce on the grounds of his behaviour then she'd need to be the one petitioning for divorce. I suppose that's another possibility: that she petitioned citing his unreasonable behaviour, he filled in and returned the acknowledgement of service saying he wasn't going to defend the divorce and she's now not applied for the decree nisi.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 13:43

I know he won't have accused her of anything, so it must be either that she petitioned and then hasn't done the next part, or he has drafted it for her to apply herself (blaming him).

I'll have to ask him - I haven't purely because I thought it was all straightforward, and I felt it was best left between them.

OP posts:

jacks365 · 24/05/2014 13:55

If she petitioned and he responded then the decree nisi is automatically issued its the decree absolute that has to be applied for and after so long either of them can do that.

If he has filled in and is trying to force her to sign and apply then that is very controlling behaviour and would be extremely worrying. Again I would refuse to sign in those circumstances. You need to seriously talk to him and find out how things stand then decide if you can accept the situation.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 14:01

I'm not sure I'd see it as controlling really, given that she was the one who decided they should separate and asked him to leave - if it is that way round then that's the only way he could try and formalise things (as it's been said he couldn't apply himself as she wasn't the one 'at fault') short of waiting for 2 or even 5 years, which most people wouldn't be happy to do.

OP posts:

KellyHopter · 24/05/2014 14:05

It seems your whole relationship is dictated by the progress of his divorce.

He doesn't feel comfortable being open about you, most of his friends don't know about you,his family accept you (in theory) but won't meet you.

You're having to rely an awful lot on his word, I would do everything possible to check he was actually worthy of the trust you seem to have in him.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 14:09

I am definitely going to ask him about the divorce grounds/to see a copy of the paperwork, so I understand what's going on (and potentially how long it might take).

Not sure what else I should be asking about beyond that?

OP posts:

KellyHopter · 24/05/2014 14:19

I'm not good at subtlety, so I'd just say look again at your situation without the rose tinted glasses.

If a friend was in the situation you describe I'd tell her to be prepared to find out he's full of shite and stringing her along. None of it rings true.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 14:34

I don't see what part of it doesn't ring true, sorry.

I accept that some people wouldn't bother about keeping a new relationship quiet (I used to work with a woman who got engaged to her DP and was planning their wedding while he was still waiting for his divorce to come through), but both of us (not just him) would feel uncomfortable being open about it while he's still technically married.

We spend a lot of time together, I have no doubt he is separated, and no reason to think he has any intention of getting back with his ExW.

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MistressDeeCee · 24/05/2014 14:48

She isn't signing the paperwork because she doesn't want to.
Understanding why won't change anything. It is what it is.

The cloak & dagger relationship thing is far more worrying. What will being kept a secret achieve?

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 15:31

It's not meant to achieve anything as such, just that we'd feel more comfortable if he was divorced (or at least part way through). And I don't think either of us wanted to antagonise his Ex in any way.

I suppose though if this is likely to take years we may have to give that some further thought about being more open about our relationship.

OP posts:

wowfudge · 24/05/2014 16:27

Hmm - exH delayed our divorce after two years' separation by a further year because he was an arse who decided he wasn't going to file the petition himself even though that was what we'd agreed. He also tried to get me to pay him a sum of money - I told him to sod off, luckily he did because he was too idle to fight for it.

You DP has some choices - persuade his ex to get on with things, wait until they've been separated for five years or use unreasonable behaviour as the grounds, but he'll need evidence of something the courts will consider unreasonable behaviour.

Realitybitesyourbum · 24/05/2014 16:39

It sounds like you have no idea how divorce works and he is stringing you along. If he initiated the divorce, then he has to be accusing her of something...and maybe she doesn't like that. Why don't you just ASK him?!

Lonecatwithkitten · 24/05/2014 16:51

Hmm ExH told his newP that I was dragging my heels over singing divorce papers. I wasn't I had signed and returned them to him. He just did nothing with them. I then got a solicitor to redo the petition after 6 months of waiting he ignored that for 4 months still telling his new P I was holding things up. Ultimately it took 15 months to get a decree nisi due to him and we still don't have a decree absolute as he is still dragging his heels over paperwork.
He still maintains to all and sundry that I am holding it up.
If you haven't seen any actual paperwork have a large pinch of salt.

ICanSeeTheSun · 24/05/2014 16:52

I would be very shocked if he isn't still living and in a relationship with his wife.

Assuming that his family knows about you and don't object to just knowing about you why haven't you met them.

EvilStepMam · 24/05/2014 17:41

I don't see what part of it doesn't ring true sorry

The info he has given you rearding the paper work is guff as others have pointed out.

You have told your friends about him, he keeps you well away from anyone who knows his wife.

Sorry to say I think he may be more than technically married.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 18:24

I love how the assumption is he's still living with his wife and in a relationship with her. That's utterly ridiculous. Like I said, I spend a lot of time with him. I have my own key to his house. If he was still with his wife I'd know. He isn't.

He's told me his wife has the divorce paperwork and hasn't signed/submitted what she needs to - I've never asked him more detail about it than that. I've never been divorced - I know a few people who are divorced, but not many. I assumed they were getting a no fault divorce, but now I appreciate that is unlikely to be the case given that they've been separated for under a year. Hence I will be asking him about it - if he refuses to discuss it obviously that would be cause for concern, but I doubt that will be the case, as he has been very open with me about things thus far.

OP posts:

KellyHopter · 24/05/2014 19:05

I wouldn't necessarily assume the issue is a continuing relationship with his wife but I'd eat my hat if he's being honest with you.

All the secrecy, forces outside of his control dictating how open he can be about you. It's so paper-thin.

If he is happy to be with you! then unless he's an extremely hypocritical religious type then he should be happy to be seen to be with you.

His wife instigated the end of the marriage, she shows no sign of wanting him back or regretting the decision. It's over, I don't know ANYBODY who would think anything untoward about new relationships being formed in these circumstances. It's been a year.

Yet he is uncomfortable about it, his family are uncomfortable about it, his friends (would be, according to him?) uncomfortable about it...

It's just too absurd to be true. He, for whatever reason, wants to give you the impression of being in a fully fledged relationship, while doing nothing of the sort.

Do you go out together? What if you were seen? I dread to think how much his wanting to keep a low profile affects the logistics of your relationship.

Original poster

boombowpow · 24/05/2014 19:19

We go out together often, it's not like he won't be seen with me in public, far from it, and if I've given that impression by saying we're keeping it quiet that's an error on my part because that isn't how it is at all. We go to places as a couple, I don't walk three paces behind him or anything.

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